A Life Less Overweight

Apparently that is a real thing, as my research has revealed. And I think I’m in the middle of one. Triggered by various factors, not the least of which is my clarity in what I thought was my best friendship, I am just beginning to understand what’s going on with me and how to deal with it.

Most quarterlife crises are related to jobs and finding your place in the world. That’s not my problem. I know exactly who I am. I am confident, independent, and I love my life and career. I like who I am, and especially now that I’m losing weight, what I’m becoming. My crisis is more social. I am finding frustration in my friendships . For one, I’m realizing those who I bend over backwards for and have always regarded as special would not and do not regard me in the same way- at least that is my impression. Also, many of our (J. and my) friends are now parts of couples. We are VERY glad for this, and for the happiness they’ve found. However, I can’t help but feel as though people think that once they move in or get married, there is no reason to go out and do things with other people anymore. They are just reveling in each other. Part of my problem is we’ve been there, done that, and don’t get me wrong we still do. However, it scares the CRAP out of me that I’m 26, some of my older friends are having babies, we’re in the prime of our lives with ZERO responsibiilty, and NO ONE WANTS TO DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!

If you’re tempted to tell me to understand and that people my age have bills and rents and mortgages, please save it. I know this. Rationally, I know why this is happening. However, a quarterlife crisis is personal and selfish, and me realizing all of that is not making this go away.

So, I have taken to drinking. Not fall down, puke it up, black out drinking. Just actually drinking, which I never really found appealing. And I know exactly why I’m drinking. To make things FUN because everything is so FUCKING BORING!!!! I know this won’t fix it, I know it’s a bad way to deal with this, and I am working on nixing this (meanwhile, let’s keep this in perspective- 2 cocktails last Friday night, 4 Saturday night- that’s literally it for the last whatever months). And to be honest drinking isn’t really even that fun- it just gives me the impression of fun at the moment. And just a whole lot of pissed off emptiness the next day.

I just need to find an outlet for socializing. I never really thought making friends would be difficult, but at this weird point in my life it is. Everyone at work is either older or has babies or has their own thing going. Where am I supposed to meet new friends if not work?? I feel like meeting a guy to date would be easier than making friends at this point. I’m about ready to go to f-ing match.com and ask for some friendship dates. I see someone that looks nice at the grocery store and I want to beg them to be my friend. I went so far as to ask for some couple’s phone number we were chatting with at a bar. They probably thought we were trying to pick them up to swing. Although, that sounds like a pretty fantastic idea right about now……

So in my last entry, I talked about how weekends are really sabotaging my diet. Or rather, I’m sabotaging my healthy eating on the weekends. Juliesg mentioned that drinking always contributes to her fall-offs, and that certainly has been a common factor among the last two weekends for me. I am not generally a drinker either- I know why I’m drinking more, but that’s tomorrow’s entry.

Anyway, round asked me what I can do differently. Well, to start, lay off the booze. That will help. Also, enlisting my husband to understand that I just can’t indulge like he can. And, continuing to work out on the weekend rather than cast it aside. Ultimately, I just need to be stronger on the weekends and be aware of old habits.

I found a book that will help me with weight training. It looks pretty good and has pre-planned workouts, so I think this will be good for me too.

As much as I hate falling off the wagon, I’m pretty good at picking myself up and trying again.

Well, as always, weekends are killer. Not only did I overeat and drink Friday night, but last night as well. And I had like, 4 or 5 grey goose cosmos last night. Oy. Tomorrow’s weigh in will not be good. According to my program I’m supposed to run two miles today. We’ll see if I have it in me after a night of drinking like I did.

I have got to get off this weekend habit. Everything good I’ve done all week is getting undone in two nights. I’ve got to be more strict with myself. Sigh. The battle rages on.

Not much to report. I’ve been following the 5K schedule that Leeda is using for her 10K. I like it better than the couch to 5K one in that it’s clearer to use. My right quad has been extremely tight lately and no matter how many of those bent leg stretches I do, I can’t seem to get it to loosen up. I hope its not an injury and is just a tight muscle, though I don’t know how to tell the difference. I’m a hypocondriac, so of course I fear the worst and think I’ve torn an ACL or some crap like that, though I obviously haven’t. Goon. But I looked cute in my new gym outfit today ($5 pants at consignment shop, oh yeah), so I have that going for me which is nice!

By the way, Leeda, I also love consignment now. It’s my thing of the month. I got these pants I’m wearing (cute adidas workout pants with teal stripe) and a FABULOUS pair of snake skin nine west pointy pumps. At first I was kinda skeeved about buying someone else’s shoes, but there are so great for $9, I got over it. Stacy and Clinton would be proud.

I know I’ve mentioned the show before, but I think “How to Look Good Naked” should win an emmy. It is amazing how women’s perspectives about themselves are so skewed. And these women always look AWESOME at the end of the show. I was also watching “What Not to Wear” on TLC and am seeing how women hide in their clothes rather than finding things that look great on them, at the weight they are at.

I have lost about 15 pounds, and I’m certainly glad I have. I needed to. And I’d still like to lose 5-10 more. However, I’ve also started to realize that while you are working on “losing”, you really do have to accept yourself as you are at THIS MOMENT. Yes, in 20 pounds, you’ll look even better, but you aren’t there yet. Why wait in limbo, wearing crappy, oversized, unflattering clothing and punish yourself until you get there???? Ladies, it is time for us to look in the mirror and say “this is what I have to work with. I am going to make it look good.” This life is only as good as you make it. If you keep beating yourself up, your life for as long as you will remember will be about feeling bad about yourself, instead of enjoying the life you’ve been blessed with.

I believe it’s time for a body acceptance revolution. I don’t mean we should be happy about being overweight and give up completely, but I do think that while we are works in progress (and we really always are, even when we achieve a weight loss goal) we need to be works that look good and feel good about themselves. Before you can change how you look, you need to change what you think about yourself and your self-worth. I really have learned that you won’t lose until you believe there is something underneath worth revealing.

So right now, go stand in front of the mirror. You don’t have to be naked, just go look. Now, the first things you are going to see are things you hate. Look BEYOND that. Find just one thing that looks good- no wrinkles, great eyes, healthy hair, full lips, great breasts etc. Think about that one thing that looks good ALL DAY LONG. Do not allow your thoughts to travel to other things that don’t, just try to focus on that one thing. I wonder if it will make you feel a little more confident today. It can’t hurt.

Well, I don’t even know if I’m hungry I just want to eat. I think TOM is coming, and I definitely get food cravings the week before, and more than I usually do. I’m trying to be aware of my food choices, and also why I am eating. Sometimes, it’s just b/c I want to. So I’m fighting that today. But, my choices have all been SBD friendly, so I guess that’s a minor battle in the “lay off, I’m starving” mood.

Well, after working out 4 times last week, I kind of thought I’d be down at least another pound. But, alas, this morning, I was still 170. I think that it is partly due to me not doing some weight training. I find myself avoiding it because I would like to have a “program”, a prescribed set of things I’m supposed to do. Left to my own devices, I am not sure of myself and tend to either change exercises every time I lift, or tend to do the same thing every time which isn’t productive either. I cannot afford to hire a personal trainer, and trying to find a program online is practically impossible. I don’t know if what I want exists, short of hiring a trainer to show me something once. All I want is something I can do in 20 minutes, after my workout, that will strengthen my arms and back. I run, so even though I know I should do lower body also, I rationalize that running covers it. If anyone has found any programs or books they have found helpful that would suit my needs, please let me know. However, I have to be happy that I’m at least maintaining my summer loss. My revamped efforts are paying off. Looking at that ticker below, I’m amazed I’ve lost as much as I have. In retrospect, it was hard, but it wasn’t THAT hard that people should feel like it’s impossible. It took sacrifice and discipline, but I think that’s good for the soul.

We had school canceled today due to snow, so I’ve gotten a lot done. Cleaned, did laundry, reorganized my closet (and tried on a dress I haven’t worn since high school-it fit!!- don’t ask why I still have it ten years later) and picked out some things to bring to consignment (my new favorite thing of the week), watched some tv. It’s been really nice to have a day to myself. Last week I played hooky with J, and it was great, but sometimes it’s nice just to be alone and do whatever I feel like doing. I think later I’m going to do some yoga and scrapbook before dinner. It’s been great so far, hope you all are having a good day too!

So everything I have ever heard about goal setting has said that you should write down your goals. Supposedly people who write them down are more likely to achieve them than those who don’t write them. So, I did. I got a really sleek planner that I carry in my purse, with a date book, etc. I have been writing in my workouts ahead of time as if they were an appointment, and so far this week, it’s worked. I like it because I actually don’t even remember how many times I’ve gone to the gym this week, and I feel like that’s a good thing. I’m not rationalizing in my head “well, I’ve already gone three times, that’s enough” and therefore skipping a fourth time. I’m just going when my calendar says to go, and it also says what to do. It’s kinda nice, not having to store it all in my head. I’m beginning to find that unloading your brain is such a relief!

In addition to “The Biggest Loser”, I also like the new show on Lifetime “How to Look Good Naked.” J and I usually go out on Friday nites, but I tivo it so I can watch it later. I like it because it really addresses women’s body image issues. It sparked a very interesting conversation between J and I last night about that topic. He doesn’t get why women a) freak out in front of a mirror like I said I would if I had to stand there and analyze myself like they do in a three way in a bra and undies and 2) doesn’t get why women put so much stock in other people’s opinion of what they look like. I tried to explain it, but I don’t think he’ll ever really get it. I think that we are so concerned about whether men think that we are attractive, and if we don’t look like what we KNOW they like (i.e. the gorgeous girls in magazines like Maxim) then they won’t like us.

However, my conscious, educated brain knows that isn’t necessarily true. Yet, I still find myself clamoring for male attention and even though I am married, wondering if guys think I’m cute. I flirt incessantly to prove to myself that I can get them to respond, and therefore I know I’m desirable. And lately they HAVE been responding, very very well.  Uh oh. I’m kind of liking the attention a little too much. You would think this means I don’t have any self-confidence, but I actually have a lot. Maybe too much. Maybe it’s egotistical to see if I can get a guy to like me just because I want to see if I can. I can’t figure out the obsession I have with this, but the thinner I get, the more and more I find myself doing it. I am hoping it is a temporary charge I get out of being  20 pounds lighter.  I can’t help but feel a little guilty or sick for flirting so much. I wouldn’t ever sleep with anyone else, so one part of me feels like “so what, it’s harmless, what’s the big deal?” But the other part feels not guilty about J, but that it might not be a healthy behavior. Please tell me I will get over this. Has anyone else ever felt this way????

So far, so good. I have done Phase 1 for a week and have been doing really well. I had one cheat meal, but that’s ok because I felt satisfied enough not to cheat again. I am entering my 2nd week of ph. 1 and looking forward to reincorporating fruit! However, I have a new addiction- coffee!!! I am really starting to like coffee, even though the caffeine makes me a little jittery. I love the nutty flavor. So far I don’t even drink a cup a day, just a cup every few days. And luckily, I don’t need it in the morning to get going. But I can see this going down fast…at least it’s a calorie free treat!

I am looking for a good strength training workout, one that I can keep consistent, see results and yet up the intensity as my body adjusts to it. This is probably my area of weakness, finding a consistent routine. I also 1) don’t want to use weight machines, just free weights and 2) don’t have the money to hire a personal trainer to figure out a program for me so I need to find one for myself. I picked up a copy of Women’s Health because I love reading Men’s Health (I actually really like men’s magazines oddly enough-sometimes I think I have more testosterone than the average female because I identify with guys a lot easier than women). Anyway, the women’s version is pretty good as well, with lots of tips and workouts. I might even get a subscription for myself and one for J. for the men’s version. Then I can gank it and read that one too….

How are you all doing in this new year?

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Interestingly enough, my weight is actually 170, not 175. Must have been because of the TOM, but I still feel like I’ve gained, even if the scale doesn’t say so. So far, so good food wise. I have made a few changes that will help me be better equipped to handle staying on SBD during the school year. The gym is going to be the tough part, but I’m just going to have to suck it up.

Anyway, last night my husband and I watched the first episode of the Biggest Loser, couples edition. Wow, it was really eye-opening. We’ve never watched the show before, but it was amazing to see some of the weigh-ins. We were talking about how easy it is to just get lazy and find yourself at a weight that you can’t believe. Many of those people didn’t know how much they weighed. I remember being that way too. You avoid it because it’s just too much to bear. But it was truly inspirational watching those people begin to make positive changes to improve their quality of life. I can’t wait to see how some of them turn out. I hate how they make the women stand there in bras and spandex though. That must be so awful and humiliating, and its all on TV!! But, I guess they knew what they were in for. I would never be on that show for that one reason- no one in the world deserves the horror of seeing my fat ass and belly in spandex, especially in it’s blinding white glory. Shit, I can’t look at myself in the mirror naked without wanting to throw up, but let’s get up on a massive(!) scale, in front of millions of people, many of them no doubtedly making fun of me, and be in the most unattractive clothing ever made. That’s a way to catch a break! But seriously, it did make me realize that fat is extremely unattractive.

As I’ve continued on this journey through the last six months, I have really begun to realize that truly the things worth doing in life are not easy. They take hard work, dedication, support, and lots of screw-ups.  I guess life just isn’t supposed to be easy. If we can accept that, we already make it better.