A Life Less Overweight

Thanks for all of your responses! It’s so great to know others share similar experiences. Be away from the computer for a few days, good luck in your efforts. I shall see you again soon!



Wow, what a night last night. An eye opener. I went out with a my best friend for dinner and a few drinks, and we went to this townie bar I always resolved NEVER to go to. She insisted it isn’t that bad, just to go, and we would only stay for a little bit. So, I went. Sure enough, we saw a few people we knew from school, but nothing for me to really roll my eyes at. Until about after a half hour.

HE walked over. You remember him clearly. The “cool” kid who was brutally mean and tortured you terribly. The kid who with his buddy said hurtful things about the way you dressed, called you fat, ugly, made you feel totally worthless. The kid whom, until last night, when you thought of all the worst insults you’ve ever gotten and whom, whenever you think of him, it brings you back to that terrible dark corner of your mind when you felt like the fat blob that no one could ever love. Yes, HE walked over. He grabbed my friend gave her a hug (I gave him daggers in the back of his head). And then he turns to me and says “JENELLE!! How are you!” like he was happy to see me. WHAT???????????? Are you serious? He had no clue what he had done to me!! He sat there and talked to us for a half hour, blablabla. I listened politely and asked him what he was doing. I was going to be the better person. He proceeded to tell me how we went to jail for DUIs and he lost his job, blablabla. Then, in the first five minutes of us chatting he said “I’m not a loser.” Honey, if you need to say that to me to make yourself feel otherwise, then obviously you feel like one and are trying to prove to me you aren’t.

Then, it came up how he used to throw kickballs at my friend’s head. I laughed and said, “wow, Derek, mean?? Never!” He turned to me and said sincerely “was I ever mean to you?” I was honest and said yes. He asked again, and I again said yes. And then he apologized. Sincerely. He actually hung his head as he said it.

I’ve realized the following things:

1) I am NOT making excuses for kids, but he was 12 when he said those things. It hurt me so badly, and I have carried those remarks with me for so long. HE is one of the reasons I felt so shitty about myself for so long. BUT, he was 12 when he said them. 12 year old kids say mean things. Perhaps things 12 year olds say are shot from the hip, and perhaps it’s weird that at the age of 27 I still believed them to be true.

2) That even though he said those things when he was a kid, I remember them as an adult. Yet, he couldn’t remember even being mean to me. But he remembered me, first and last name, and wanted to know if I remembered him! HA!! If he only knew…

3) His life is so fucked up, and I could see in his eyes, the way he looked at me (I looked hot last night) and my friend, and when I told him how I was married (he drooled over my ring- I wanted to say, see someone thinks I am worthy) and a teacher, that he envied my success. And I truly felt sorry for him. Not pity sorry, but truly sad that this kid ended up with such a shitty life because of the choices he stupidly made.

4) Lastly, I realize that the things he said didn’t begin or end with me. I’m sure there were others. And with how nicely he treated me last night, although it doesn’t make up for it, I don’t think he ever MEANT those things as TRUTHS. He had meant them to be hurtful, absolutely. But I accepted them as what was the truth, that he was just calling things as he saw them. I am beginning to think that isn’t true.

It was a cleansing night. I feel like perhaps the little 12 year old girl in me is starting to feel a little better about herself. She is NOT the piece of shit she was called. And maybe no one ever thought she was to begin with. She just let herself believe they did.

Girlygirlsebas reminded me of another thing to add to the list of reasons the gym is entertaining. I am so glad you mentioned this one- I thought of it in the shower yesterday and wanted to add it, but forgot. It also brings me to my subject thereafter, so thank you!

11) People who spend their entire time at the gym socializing. If I wanted to pay $74 a month to make friends/meet people, I’d have signed up for e-harmony.com or some shit like that! Stop talking and get your ass off the stretching mat!

Which brings me to my next subject. There’s this guy at my gym who (follow me now) is a friend of a friend of a friend. Literally. (By the way, at the gym he is a chronic socializer and he LOVES watching himself in the mirror- he’s not even good looking, in my opinion). I see him once in a blue moon when we go out. Now, I am a nice person, polite, social. Married. So in the past when I’ve seen this guy, I make an effort to make conversation. Nothing. Barely a response. He’s a complete ass. No, even though you think you’re God’s gift to women, I am NOT hitting on you, relax. My husband is standing right there. Geeeeez. So, anyways, after not seeing him for a while, I’ve seen him at the gym for like three days consecutively. I made it a point “not to notice” him. But, one day he caught my eye. Ok, fine, hi, how are ya. Move on. Well, yesterday, I’m minding my own business, sitting on the mat, just completed some abs, fiddling with my iPod, when someone KICKS a stability ball into me! I was like “hey what the fuck” (in my head). I look up, sure enough, it’s Mr. Universe. What, now you’ll talk to me??? We’re friends NOW??? Of course, now that he knows I go to the gym- apparently only people who make an effort to be fit are worthy of his conversation. Buddy, go screw, I don’t want to talk to you or your “guns”.

…there are a few things that I find humorous, gross, or annoying:

1) The gyno machine. You know the one I mean. The person who invented that, definitely a man.

2) Creepy guys who like to watch girls DO the gyno machine. Buddy, if you want to see what’s up my pants, you’re gonna have to buy me dinner first.

3) Stinky people. I know you’re sweating, but can’t you smell nice while you do it? Or at least just step back 10 feet. Thanks.

4) People who do weird stretches from the Jane Fonda videos a la 1977. Stop bouncing.

5) Ass sweat. Not claiming I don’t get it, but at least you can’t SEE mine.

6) People who air guitar/air drum to their iPods while they walk. Just because we can’t hear your music doesn’t mean we can’t see you- you aren’t invisible.

7) Watching the older guys (55+) who never learned how to check a girl out without moving their heads. They look like they are at a tennis game while they use the elliptical.

8. The faces I make when I am lifting free weights.

9) People who go to the desk, grab the remote, and change the channel near your treadmill. No, don’t worry, I wasn’t watching to see what happens next to the cancer-surviving woman on Oprah who just had a million dollar makeover and they are about to reveal her to her family whom she hasn’t seen in six years and give her an Extreme Home Makeover House with Brad Patt (from Ocean’s 11 not any other movie) waiting there with an engagement ring…the NBA draft is far more enthralling.

10) People who come to the gym with their kids in tote to leave them in the babysitting center…all the while carrying bags of McDonald’s for their kids’ dinners. HELLO!??!!!

“Once you’re beat mentally, you might was well not even go to the starting line.”
-Todd Williams

Isn’t Todd Williams Willis from Differn’t Strokes?? Anyways, he’s one smart dude. And so right. Lately I have been really mentally abusing myself during my runs and putting  a lot of undue pressure to run at least 2 miles, with outcomes that are mildly disappointing, even if I get to two. Before I ran today, I actually found myself anxious about it. That’s when I realized how stupid I was being! I have finally found an exercise I enjoy (oddly enough, see below post), and here I was psyching myself out of doing well in it. So, I told myself, “self, shut the F— up, just do what you can, and move on with your life- a casual, enjoyable run.” Sure enough, I ran the most I have ever run, 3.5 mi, more than enough to finish the 5K I’m prepping for in September!!! I was so thrilled with myself, and it only further proved that what you think you cannot do, you can’t.

Ok, so you know how in gym class in high school, they make you run the mile cold and expect you to not only: a) finish it but, b) do it under 12 minutes? Yeah, I sucked. I couldn’t even run one lap around the track, I always had to do the whole thing walking. I especially loved doing that in front of my classmates. Oh, but wait, my favorite part of the whole experience? Getting lapped by people twice on my way around once. And it was always by the wicked hot guys and the cool girls. And I felt like such an idiot. I truly believed I just couldn’t run. How embarrassing!

Now, I realize that how it is done is so unfair. The sports kids obviously can bang out a mile easily because they do it all the time in practice. I think a more effective and positive way to do it would be to teach kids HOW to run, and how to build up endurance, then give the test.

So here’s the uplifting part. I am sure there is someone who is reading this and identifies with the high school mile mortification. Well, there is hope. Just a few years ago, I decided to give running another try. When I first started running on the treadmill, I literally couldn’t even run for two minutes. But each time, I did a little more, then a little more, even just in 30 second increments. Before long, I could run .25 mi (one lap) then a half mile, and so on. Now, about three years later, 2 miles is my standard run. For me, that is a huge accomplishment! I am working on my goal of running a 5K this Sept. 15th. (that’s 3.2 miles). I am a little anxious- I am tough on myself and will feel really shitty if I try and fail. But, when I look at the progress I have made, I do see that the high school running experience could have turned me off of running forever. But I wouldn’t let it. I hope this inspires you to try something you thought you couldn’t do.

Well considering I did not stick closely to SB this weekend (there were a few cheats), I am happy that when I got on the scale today, I was still down a pound. My weight loss is going soo very slowly, more slowly than promised by the book. But I can see and feel a difference in the way I look and how my clothes fit, so I am using that as encouragement. My exercising has just been so consistent and fantastic, I would say that is probably what is helping me the most. I don’t care what anyone says, the only way to lose weight permanently is to exercise as well. Simple as that. I have fought that tooth and nail for so many years, but the truth is the truth. You cannot be a lazy ass and be thin and eat whatever you want. And if you think that other people can do that and they are thin, chances are, your perception is wrong. And it doesn’t matter anyways, because how their body works isn’t how yours works.

The best thing I have done for myself is stop making excuses. That is my best advice to someone like me. Stop finding 10,000 reasons why you can’t get to the gym. Including your health. The only way it’s going to improve is if you move!href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/w9MIBh9/">



Well, although my weight hasn’t changed too much in the last few weeks, I have had some mindset changes. An example: the other night at one of the three baseball games we are attending this week, I hadn’t eaten dinner yet. I saw a woman with a salad and was glad to see there was a choice I could have. J and I searched high and low for the damn salad vendor, nowhere to be found. I figured she must have brought it herself, which I didn’t think you could do (if it was the Red Sox, rather than the PawSox, you definitely can’t bring even water). So, starving, I finally got what I thought was the best choice, sausage with peppers and onions because it had the veggies. Still a really crappy and unhealthy choice, but with what was out there, it’s what I had to work with. So, we’re sitting there, me about three bites into it, when the announcer says “looking for healthy food alternatives? Visit section bla-bla under the stairs”. Well hidden! So, I pass the unfinished sausage to J. and later we got up to find the salad.

Here’s why this is a victory. In the past I would have said, screw it, I’m halfway in, I might as well go for the finish. But I didn’t! I was a little upset I went that far. But J. made a great point. He said he thought what I did was harder than not eating it in the first place. Passing up on finishing something you’ve started is hard and something I would never have done in the past. That’s what I love about him. He didn’t make excuses for me or encourage me to just finish it, he pointed out why I shouldn’t feel so bad about it, and futhermore, why I should actually feel good!

And then, yesterday, I saw a woman I work with that I haven’t seen since school ended- she asked if I had lost weight!! :0)

Lesson: bad food just isn’t worth the guilt and worry.  I have a lot of self-control. I am feeling good about my new food attitude.

So today was the end of week 1 and beginning of week 2 on the challenge I am on. I posted my points and such, and I am definitely the lowest point collector for the week. That sucks. I was determined I was going to rack up so many points for the team. And on top of it all, I weighed in today, and my weight is 181. I started, just about a month ago, at 184. 3 lousy lbs in one month. THAT SUCKS!!!! I am trying so hard, being so strict, and exercising, but I guess I am going to have to try harder dammit. Nothing is going to get the weight off except for that, so I need to just do it! Being accountable to a group does help- I can see how the Weight Watchers meetings are beneficial. However, I don’t think I could talk to people face to face and tell them all my shortcomings and how I feel about my weight and myself. Too personal. At least here it’s anonymous. I don’t mind if someone reads this, because generally, people are supportive, and I don’t have to look them in the eye!

I also got frustrated yesterday when I went to the gym with J. I was so excited I was going to show him (like a little kid) how I could run two miles. Guess how far I ran? No, you need to guess. Ok, geez, give me some credit. 1.25 fucking miles!!! THAT SUCKS!!! I was SOOO pissed, I couldn’t believe it. Figures. So today I am determined to do the following things this week:

1) Kick my own ass in eating and the gym

2) write down what I am eating so I can determine why I am not losing

So the SBD requires you to drink lots of water, but this challenge I am now on is requiring us to drink 64 oz daily, which is the FDA recommended amount. Now, I’ve always considered myself to be a pretty avid water drinker, but boy am I realizing that I do not usually even come CLOSE to that much. I am ready to piss out my earholes!!!!! And I HATE peeing! I know that sounds quite odd and weird, but peeing annoys me. Going to the bathroom, sitting down, wiping, washing, gets REALLY REALLY boring. Not that I have anything better to do, but I just find it so monotonous. I am beginning to have a little penis envy. All guys have to do is whip it out, pee, wash. No sitting, no pants around the ankles.  They don’t even have to take it all the way out!!!! I am not a lazy person by any means, but it’s too bad Depends aren’t socially acceptable.