OMW

These past few months, I’ve been so happy. I’m trying to figure out what happened. I’ve lived the past 20 years as a miserable and emo curmudgeon, and now I’ve had more moments of loopy happiness, that keeps building and building and building, than I’ve had my whole life. I even freakin’ joined the freakin’ YMCA, people. I was even excited when I drove into the parking lot of the Y this morning and couldn’t find a spot because it was filled with cars, and there were mothers with children and old people everywhere. (I think those are the people who use the Y during the day.) AND I AM USUALLY TERRIFIED OF PEOPLE!

But it’s phenomenal that I exercise almost every day. And now, in public. That is a huge NSV for me. I think I’ve finally killed the “fitness” mindset that got programmed into me in high school. Which is that it was basically cool to be miserable while exercising, that you should make up every excuse not to do it, and never let anyone see you sweat.

And then the mindset that developed through adulthood: that you can only be fit if you have a certain (skinny) body. That you’re not fit if you can’t keep up with the tiny aerobics instructor. Screw that. Your level is fitness is relative to what your body could do a month ago. That is the standard you should measure from, not what you think you should be doing.

Today, I’m on a high. I can fit into the pants I wore when I met DH. They’re a little tight, but I can zip them up easily. I don’t remember the last time I could do that. I know that I won’t feel this elation tomorrow, or next week. I know that visiting my family in a couple weeks will probably be difficult and turn me back into Emo Mommy, because they always, always have a way of doing that.

But I am recording this moment for posterity to look back on when I next lose momentum.

I apologize for my crazy writing style. My best friend used to say I write like Yoda. My use of commas drove her nutty. I’m generally not apologetic for my grammar on daily posts, but on pure prose, I feel a tad guilty.

I’m planning on going to the Y today early, before lunch. So I’m up and showered all ready.

FOOD:
bfast — 1.5 eggs, 3 medium sized Gimme Leans, slice of Genesis bread w/ Smart Balance, small bowl of Greek yogurt with strawberries (DD ate most of it, tho, lol)
lunch — openfaced sandwich w/ turkey & cheese
dinner — large bowl of lentil soup, w/ dollop of yogurt
snack– 3 30cal turkey slices, LFLC

EXERCISE:
20 mins bike, alpine hill mode level 10
treadmill, 20 mins, about 3.2 mph, 1.0-1.5 incline
WATER:
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

Last week: 283

This week: 280

45 pounds lost overall.

Today we’re going to the Y to work out, maybe play some racquetball.

FOOD:
bfast — Genesis toast w/ Smart Balance, 2 eggs, 2 Gimme Leans, coffee w/ FF half-n-half
lunch — tomato with LFLC, 2 slices deli ham
dinner — the most delicious tandoori chicken tikka on the planet, with sauces, and about 3 bites of naan
snack– 4 devilled egg halves
EXERCISE:
15 min bike
15 min treadmill
30 mins racquetball (tho I would barely count this as exercise because I was kinda dragging)
WATER:
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

I woke up soooooooooo thirsty today. I may have overdone it with the exercise yesterday. Last night I had trouble getting to sleep because my abs hurt. I’m kind of stiff and achey today. I think I’ll go light on the exercise. Probably no Y today because DH has to work =/ and their babysitting service ends at 1 pm on Saturdays. Maybe we’ll just go to the pool.

DH has his gigantic deadline coming up at the end of the month. He worked til about 2 am last night, and is back again today. I hope he’ll be able to fly to my brother’s wedding with us. =/

FOOD:
bfast — Genesis toast w/ Smart Balance, 2 eggs, 3 medium sized Gimme Leans, coffee w/ FF half and half
lunch — salad w/ leftover beans from last night, tomato, lettuce, and olive oil mayo
dinner — 2 LF Hebrew Nationals, eggplant w/ tomato sauce, ricotta
snack– small dish of ricotta

EXERCISE:

WATER:
TONS. I’ve had about 50 oz so far. lol
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

All right, I forced myself to have a good day today. I am a good mood. My grandma’s doing relatively okay. I did some excellent exercise this morning, then DD & I went to the YMCA down the street and became members. It’s a great facility. There’s a water park/outdoor recreational pool with giant water slides and stuff. A ton of fitness rooms. Free babysitting (YAY!). Parents Night Out. Indoor track. Racquetball courts. Indoor lap pool. I expect we’ll take full advantage of it. I signed up to meet with a fitness trainer person. Oy!

It wasn’t nearly as expensive as I anticipated. I’m thinking DH & I will have fun working out together. Yay! We’re always so bored. There’s really not much to do nearby. We go to the mall. Blah. We go to the park all the time, which is fun, but once the heat and humidity comes around, no one’s going to the park.

8 pm edit: Yayyyy! We went to the Y tonight. DH is anticipating using our membership a lot. DD had a great time. Is it horrible that we are both dying for a break from her? I feel terrible on one hand. But considering we had to pull her away kicking and screaming from the playroom, I don’t feel so bad. We went on the stationary bikes for about 15 minutes, went walking around the track, and the puttered around a racquetball court for about 20 minutes. I built up a good sweat! DH & I are embarrassingly shy, so we were really hesitant about what to do. Part of that is also just the newness of it.

FOOD:
bfast — 1 egg, 3 Gimme Lean patties, coffee w/ FF half-n-half
lunch — 2 LF cheese sticks, 3 slices of ham wrapped in lettuce
dinner — salad w/ beans, tomatoes, onions, avocado
snack– slice of Genesis bread w/ LF olive oil mayo, lettuce, 2 slices ham & tomato slices; leftover salad from dinner; 3 small slices of chicken; hardboiled egg; cheese stick

EXERCISE:
Wahhhh! WATP Walk and Jog, yayyy
15 mins stationary bike, 10 min walking, 20 mins racquetball

WATER:
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

I hope today will be less crappy than yesterday. We will see.

And Genesis is an organic, flourless sprouted grain bread made by the same company that makes Ezekiel bread. It’s 80 calories a slice, 3 gm fiber. It’s kind of hard, but very satisfying and chewy. For some reason, it’s found in the freezer section. It’s a very healthy, natural bread. And like there are Biblical quotes on it. I don’t know why so many organic products have crazy religious rantings on the side, but what the heck.

FOOD:
bfast — hardboiled egg, slice of Genesis toast w/ Smart Balance, coffee w/ 2% milk
lunch — 1/4 mesquite chicken salad at Chili’s
dinner — broiled salmon, kale w/ onions
snack– 4 strawberries, Genesis toast /w pb

EXERCISE:
2.5 mile WATP, Weight Loss walk

WATER:
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

FOOD:
bfast — 2 eggs, 2 gimme leans, coffee w/ 2% milk
lunch — peanut butter =(
dinner — pot roast w/ vegetables
snack– hot dog, bowl of 2% Greek yogurt w/ walnuts and agave, 1/2 slice of Genesis bread

EXERCISE:
2 miles WATP
WATER:
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

Wah wah wah. I’m tired. DD & I woke up at 11. 11!!!!!!!!!! She woke up in the middle of the night and started crying, so I went in with her, but it took her a while to settle down, but overall we slept better than we usually do when we’re in the same bed.

Today will probably be a blissfully easy day. I’m a little sore from yesterday’s strength & sculpt. Not sure what exercise I will do today.

FOOD:
bfast — 2 eggs, 3 small Gimme Leans, half a slice of Genesis toast w/Smart Balance, coffee w/ 2% milk
lunch — piece of eggplant lasagna stuff (yea, I’m really milking leftovers!)
dinner — one big salad, bowl of chili
snack– two spoons of peanut butter, 2 LF Hebrew Nationals, 2 spoons PB again

EXERCISE:
Swimming =/ (my legs were sore)
WATER:
60 oz
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
1 hr
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

I was just thinking. I’ve lost 42 pounds give or take, and my DD weighs 37. That’s kind of insane to think about.

And then I think, “Woohoo, I lost 42 pounds! AND I’M STILL MORBIDLY OBESE! YAYYYYYYY!”

Ok I’m surprised that the scale moved a lot. Maybe because I haven’t been snacking as much as usual (thank you, meditation tapes!), drinking wayyyy more water than usual, and I’ve exercised almost every day for the past two weeks and kicked it up to about 45 minutes a day instead of a half hour. =/ I SWEAR I’M DOING NOTHING UNHEALTHY!!!!! When I went on the scale yesterday morning and it weighed 285, I thought it was an anomaly. =/

FOOD:
bfast — Genesis toast, 2 eggs, 3 medium sized Gimme Leans, tea
lunch — pot roast, roasted vegetables
dinner — eggplant no-noodle lasagna
snack– Greek yogurt w/ walnuts, agave nectar

EXERCISE:
Biggest Loser strength & sculpt
2 mile walk at park
WATER:
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

Last week: 294

This week: 283

Total pounds lost to date: 42

Ok, I swear to god I didn’t actually lose 11 pounds this week. Like I wrote, last week I weighed around 290 but was bloated. Yesterday morning when I weighed in I was 285, but I thought it was water weight, so I drank a ton yesterday.

I swear I’m not doing anything weird!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Easter!

Last night as I was packing up DD’s Easter basket, I had a total of one Cadbury chocolate mini egg. I am pleased with myself. I tried not to deny myself if I really wanted it, so I had one, and they weren’t all that delicious anyway. I was standing there trying to figure out why exactly I even wanted them. Then I had a small serving of Greek yogurt afterwards.

Will try to exercise today. I think the 3 miles WATP is good for me right now. It doesn’t get me as tired as the 2 mile brisk does. Well, it doesn’t get my muscles as tired, but it keeps my heart rate up for almost 20 minutes longer.

Would love to go swimming today, mainly because I bought DD new pool toys for Easter, but it’s supposed to be cold today. It was chilly outside when I put out DD’s toys & basket out on the porch. There is a pot roast on the slow cooker with a lot of vegetables. I’m also making borscht and deviled eggs, and that will be our supper.

FOOD:
bfast — 2 eggs, 2 gimme leans, coffee w/ 2% milk
lunch — bowl of borscht
dinner — 4 deviled egg halves (so 2 eggs, plus 1 tbl of low fat mayo, mustard), a couple spoons of borscht, a medium-sized portion of pot roast, 1/4 c. roasted vegetables
snack– Greek yogurt w/ agave nectar, walnuts, Greek yogurt w/agave nectar, walnuts

EXERCISE:
2 mile WATP brisk
WATER:
60 oz
BODY IMAGE:

MEDITATION:
30 mins, this pm
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

Sadly, the only motivation I have for eating OP this weekend is that I don’t want to blow Monday’s weigh-in. =/

FOOD:
bfast — 2 eggs, Gimme Leans
lunch — 2 hot dogs, tomato, LFLC
dinner — no noodle eggplant lasagna
snack– tbl peanut butter, LFLC, tomato

EXERCISE:
3 miles WATP

WATER:
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

Woke up thirsty and hungry this morning. I love waking up hungry. Drank a bottle of water and am working on another one.

I had the STRANGEST dream last night. I was running a marathon partially naked around a shopping mall. Part of the marathon was an obstacle course — like you had to run through a burned-down house, and then through overflowed public bathrooms (??). My pants kept falling down, and I was holding on desperately to a plastic shopping bag full of money (you had to pay the marathon fee of $40 at the end of the race, for some bizarre reason). I kept getting lost, and my pants kept falling down, and I don’t think I was wearing a shirt, maybe just a bra, because my back was really cold. I fell in with a group of guys running, and they shielded me so I didn’t mind being half naked anymore. And then I was circling our apartment complex, and hopped on a stationary bike for some bizarre reason before heading back to the mall. Hahahaha. Weird.

FOOD:
bfast — 2 eggs, 3 small Gimme Leans, coffee w/ 2% milk
lunch — no noodle eggplant lasagna
dinner — 2 hot dogs w/ cheese, tomato
snack– LFLC w/ tomato, small dish of Greek yogurt w/ drizzle of agave nectar and about 6-7 chopped almonds, LFLC, one of DD’s cookies =/
EXERCISE:
WATER:
40 oz.
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

Today is going to be a better day. I got my green dress and I’m in lurv with it. Green’s my color. And the 26/28 fit better around my boobs. I need to get shoes, and a shawl, so I think I might drag DH & DD downtown one weekend so I can go to the Galleria.

FOOD:
bfast — 2 eggs, 2 small Gimme Leans, coffee w/ 2 % milk
lunch — bean, avocado, tomato salad, 5 strawberries
dinner — no noodle eggplant lasagna
snack– a couple spoons of Greek yogurt, 2 spoonfuls of peanut butter

EXERCISE:
3 miles WATP Weight Loss Walk. ALL three miles, woot

WATER:
60 oz.
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

Sleepyyyyyy. Sooo sleepyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

11:15 edit:  Today ended better than it started. Well, not quite. It started beautifully. We woke up to a lovely sunny, cool morning, and had a nice breakfast on the patio. Then around 11, I took a shower, and put DD in her room for the duration. Except I didn’t put a diaper on her like I usually would, and within 15 minutes she had pooped and had spread it all over the room. It took me about two hours to fully clean everything. =/

I was a terrible mood for the rest of day.  I felt like overeating, and I kind of did. I had a mini binge. With tomatoes and LFLC. Not a binge. We had plenty

Wow, I had a million tomatoes today.  I didn’t even exercise. Le sigh. =/

Tomorrow will be a better day. I ended today on a good note. My brother and BIL and I all were online and played Halo together.

FOOD:
bfast — 2 eggs, 2 gimme leans, 5 strawberries, coffee w/ 2% milk
lunch — 2 hot dogs, tomato w/ LFLC, half a lemon w/ seltzer h20
dinner — 1.5 portions of broiled salmon, 1/4 c. of sauteed spinach
snack– tomato w/ LFLC, 2 slices of deli turkey, spoon of peanut butter, tomatoe w/ LFLC, 1/4 c almonds, 2 tomatoes, LFLC, another lime (in h20)

EXERCISE:
WATER:
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

I ordered a dress for my brother’s wedding from Igigi, and it arrived today. I actually ordered two dresses — one in red, size 22/24 (because I was between sizes when I took my measurements), and then a green one in 26/28. Ordering two was somewhat accidental. I ordered the red one, and then later that afternoon they put the same dress up on their website but in three other colors. One was green (my favorite color), so I called and cancelled the red dress order, and they said it hadn’t shipped yet. I ordered the green one online, and not even two minutes after I ordered it, I got an email saying the red dress had shipped. I called back, and it had in fact shipped. Ah well. It arrived today, so since I’ll be paying to ship it back I thought I might as well try it on.

It is a nice dress. It’s ridiculously comfortable. I have no qualms wearing hussy red to weddings. That’s just how I roll, ha. But I bet I will like the green better. It’s more *me*. I think I will go find a nice light green shawl to wear to the wedding ceremony and then wear the shrug during the reception.

I had been having an internal debate about the size, because I fell between the two sizes with the exception of the bust size, where I was in the middle of the 26/28, but for the waist I was in the middle of 22/24. I ordered the red in the smaller, but slightly regretted it later that afternoon and thus ordered the green in the larger size. The red fit well but it gaped open at the bust. So maybe the bigger size will fit better, or it might not. I may have to go get the shoulder straps taken in a little so the girls don’t go flying out as I chase DD around, as I inevitably will spend the majority of the wedding doing. Unless we bribe my eldest niece to watch all the kids. She is frighteningly serious and responsible (ohh, so much like her mother, my older sister) despite being six years old. My siblings and I always joke about leaving her in charge of the nieces and nephews and going out to the bars. (We’re just kidding, of course.)

Also my new WATP DVDs + stretchy bands arrived.

Wow, I feel like such a consumer whore today.

Well what the hell, might as well start Day 44 early. It’s 12:12 am. I was going to edit Day 43 but realized that would not be proper, seeing as it is Day 44 already.

I hopped on the scale while swooshing mouthwash a few minutes ago, and I was at 294. I don’t really care, but I am sort of interested in seeing how my body fluctuates. I’m feeling better. I had a supercrappy day. It was one of those feedbag days, where I just wanted to eat and eat and eat. I don’t know where the misery came from. Oh yea. I was reading this blog of a woman who is a friend of a friend, and she’s a pediatric neurologist. But I was reading these horrific stories about the kids she sees (a lot of abuse victims). And then I was reading an article in the Houston Chronicle about the father who is on trial because he microwaved his two-month-old daughter. I really shouldn’t read this kind of stuff. I don’t know what to make of evil.

Tonight DH and I watched this crazy movie called Abraxas. It was surprisingly good for a bad movie. The dialogue wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been, or maybe my standards have lowered since watching two Barbie movies. (My sisters and mother try to girlify DD by sending her weird Barbie movies and princess dresses.)

I didn’t eat dinner because I ate too much during the preparation. I was out of control. It was sort of the apathy that ruined my diets in the past. It’s like, “Meh, life is crap. Who cares. Hand over the Twinkies.” But I do care. I didn’t overeat too badly, but I did eat mindlessly. Shame on me.

12:05 pm edit: Well today is going well. Woke up at 9, scolded DH for staying up so late. DD was asleep, so I made coffee, checked email, ate a snack because I was hungry but wanted to wait for DD to wake up before I cooked our eggs. I checked the scale this morning and was at 290. Need…to…stop…..hopping…on…scale! Then I did WATP, about 1 mile, and DD woke up. I made breakfast. Will work on quilt.

FOOD:
bfast — 2 eggs, 3 small Gimme Lean, coffee w/ 2% milk
lunch — 2 hot dogs (NO MORE HOT DOGSSSSS)
dinner — peanut butter on sprouted grain bread
snack– 2 slices of deli turkey, LFLC, 3 slices of deli turkey, 2 more slices of deli turkey, LFLC w/ tomato

EXERCISE:
1 mile WATP before DD woke up
1 mile WATP, new DVD
WATER:
20 oz
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

Ok, gonna be OP food wise today. Will do 2 miles WATP, plus sew the big center block for crazy monkey quilt.

3:15 pm edit: Oy it’s hot. I should put the A/C on. It’s 80 degrees in here, and I did 1 mile WATP and was sweatin’ like a dog. My muscles were kind of sore so I stopped after a mile. =/

6:45 edit: Yea I felt like crap. I worked out, and then had a smoothie, and felt sick and yucky. I turned the A/C on, and since then I’ve been feeling better. I’m hungry, but I don’t have good food in the house, so I ate some crap. And some of that gross sugar free cool whip for some reason. I’m better now. =/

FOOD:
bfast — 2 eggs, 3 small Gimme Lean patties, coffee w/ 2% milk, half a slice of sprouted grain bread
lunch — hot dog, small bowl of anasazi beans w/ eggplant
dinner — ricotta & eggplant
snack– ‘nother hot dog, 2 LFLC, smoothie post workout, 3 slices of deli turkey, ‘nother LFLC, a small serving of gross-out cool whip

EXERCISE:
1 mile WATP
WATER:
BODY IMAGE:
MEDITATION:
WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:

Last week: 296

This week: 294

I think I actually lost more this week, but I’m totally bloated atm. The scale was around 291 Saturday morning, but I’m going to record 294 for posterity.

Last night DH & I were talking, and I was saying how I hadn’t set up any clear cut rewards for reaching goal weights. I was thinking I should try it. Why the heck not? I don’t really buy a lot of stuff. I go through periods when I shop like mad, but shopping for comfort can be an addiction just as overeating is.

275 lb reward (50 pounds gone): Some new clothing? I don’t know. I don’t see clothing as a reward, because I could just go out and buy something anyway. DH suggested something expensive that I normally wouldn’t buy for myself, but why would I buy something that I would (hopefully!) only wear for a few months? I’m not into jewelry at all. It has to be something relatively indulgent. A weekend trip somewhere? Maybe by myself? Ha! Maybe some antique dollhouse furniture. There are some expensive pieces I’ve seen that I can’t bring myself to buy but secretly would be thrilled to own. God, I’m such a nerd.

250 lb reward (75 pounds gone): Short Caribbean cruise, or YMCA membership

225 lb reward (100 pounds gone): Nice two week vacation in Maine

I’m slightly uncomfortable setting rewards for 100 pounds gone. It feels hubristic. But this list is just ideas, which I’m sure will change dramatically because god only knows what I would want to do a year down the road when I actually obtain them. But for now, these ideas will suffice.

Crikeys, I almost forgot to post today! It is a lazy Sunday. DH is off at work for a few hours. DD & I were watching Winged Migration while I made calls.

Last night I cut out a pattern for the large center block in the monkey quilt, and I’m going to hopefully get that center block going today. I’ve been slacking on the quilt hardcore. I’m TOMing and being a weepy nutcase and can’t focus on anything. I’m going to do WATP in a bit after the hot dog settles. I don’t know why but I’ve been craving hot dogs. At least they’re only 45 calories each. But it seems unbalanced. Maybe because I ate like 4 of them in one day yesterday (but that wasn’t so much deliberate choice as the fact that I hadn’t done groceries).

I went grocery shopping last night, bought more good foods, so hopefully I’ll stop eating hot dogs. But I wanted to eat something before I worked out, nothing too heavy, and I thought protein would be a good choice.

Why am I blathering on about hot dogs? Ignore me. Please.

I’m feeling good today. Last night when I was shopping, I looked at myself in the mirror and was happy. I was wearing jeans that I had bought around this time last year when I was doing South Beach. But I couldn’t get them zipped up a few months ago, and now they’re relatively loose. It made me feel good.

I’m having issues w/ DH right now. He must be really stressed out at work, but he can’t tolerate being around DD. It really bothers me. She is a very enthusiastic child, and very happy, and very loud and very mischevious. Some of it is my fault because I’m the world’s crappiest disciplinarian. I grew up with very strict and controlling parents who had very definite and arbitrary ideas about proper behavior, which wasn’t so much proper as just the way they thought things should be done. I don’t want my daughter to grow up with her spirit being killed, so when she’s, say, messy with her food, I tend to think of it as some valid form of exploration (I never should have gone to a liberal arts college, ha). It’s fascinating to watch a child and see what she chooses to do naturally, without putting a ton of restrictions on her. I mean, if she does something destructive, that’s one thing. But something kind of messy or unusual? I’m not going to be a tight ass about it. This drives DH nuts. He’s very controlled and orderly. Well, not really, but he only likes messes that are his.

She is also loud, but I’m never going to tell my child, particularly my daughter, to be quiet just because it irritates me. I also am a very patient person. Very. I think that’s the difference between DH & me.

Oh yea, so DH can barely stand to be in the same room with DD right now. It’s been going on for a few days. I hope it’s because he’s stressed out about work. And he’s been putting in a lot of overtime, and I think it’s to avoid DD. And me. He claims it isn’t me, but god only knows. I don’t think he even knows what’s going on in his head.

So I feel crappy about that today. But I’m eating well and will work out and hopefully get the creepy monkey center panel done on the quilt.

FOOD:
bfast — 1 egg, 3 large sized Gimme Leans, coffee w/ 2% milk
lunch — hot dog, eggplant-ricotta bake
dinner — 1/4 c. quinoa w/ onions & parm cheese, anasazi beans w/ eggplant, yogurt
snack– 2 LFLC, hot dog, another LFLC, cheese stick, 2 hot dogs (omg I need to stop eating hot dogs)

EXERCISE:
WATP, 2 mile

WATER:
40 oz.
BODY IMAGE:
Not bad today.
MEDITATION:
30 mins this afternoon

WHAT I NEED TO WORK ON:
STOP EATING HOT DOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While I’m talking about beans, I thought I should add this list.

My top 5 “Wow” foods 

a.k.a. Foods I Turn to in Weak Moments.
a.k.a Healthy, Low Calorie Survival Foods That Are Easy to Make, Highly Satisfying, and
Good to Eat When Bad Ass Cravings Strike.

1. Fake Ramen. I love Ramen. I’m a Ramen comfort eater. It reminds me of Saturdays at home when I was a kid, and my dad would make a giant pot of it for all of us, adding corn, peas and eggs. One day not too long ago, I had an uber crappy day and wanted to go on a binge but there was no binge-worthy food in the house but I desperately needed comfort. It came to me in a moment of brilliance and desperation. I boiled some water, added vegetable buillion to make a broth, and added a package of spagetti shirataki noodles (which are like 20 calories a serving). That ramen probably tasted better than regular Ramen, and it was only 45 calories a serving. Wow.

2. Low-fat Laughing Cow. Creamyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. There is something decidedly pleasurable about the foil packages they come in, tucked into a wooden wheel-shaped container. One rectangle is 35-40 calories. Seriously, LFLC can make celery alluring. Wow.

3. 97% fat free Hebrew Nationals. Best beef hot dogs on the planet, and one hot dog is only 45 calories. I mean, come on. Forty-five calories? Wow.

4. Tomatoes with mozzarella or LFLC cheese, covered in balsamic vinegar. I survived a week on this. I never really liked tomatoes, but they are beefy and satisfying. Add in some cheese on top, fresh basil leaves if you’re herbal, and then douse it in balsamic vinegar … it’s like candy. Wow.

5. Leslie Sansone. ‘Wahhhht? You can’t eat Leslie Sansone, silly BigTXMomma!’ I know, I know. I was hard pressed to find one more top food, but you know, Leslie is everything. Maybe it’s because her workouts are simple and easy to follow and I don’t have to jerk arrhythmically around my living room trying to figure out the steps in order to get an aerobic workout. But it’s also just her. Those brown eyes that bulge out of her head each time she tells me that putting in her DVD was the best choice I could make and that I always have time for me. Sigh. Those power thighs. Her Sisters in Sweat. Sigh. She’s addicting and so wonderfully corny. I have a mad exercise crush on Leslie Sansone. Wow.

Alright, I’m going to post the recipes that got me addicted to beans.

A long, long time ago, we were living in Minnesota. It was damn cold and I wanted B&M baked beans. See, there’s this B&M factory back in Portland, right behind Tukey’s bridge, and they make baked beans, which you can find in grocery stores outside of Maine, and also these bizarre canned brown bread that I’ve never seen outside of Maine. I only eat B&M baked beans because I don’t like canned baked beans. Well, actually I love canned baked beans, but I don’t like eating food from a can unless I’m in a fallout shelter and all I have to eat is canned foods or, like, my family.

Also, DD was a wee little baby back then and I had started my freakout about processed foods.

So anyway, a friend of mine and I were swapping recipes, and she had a thing for pasta with cannellini beans (aka Great Northern). I made it but wasn’t too thrilled because it was too starchy for me. So I had all these leftover canned beans (cuz everyone starts out with canned beans), and I was like la la la, these look like tiny baked beans. So I went online and looked up baked bean recipes and made fake baked beans. They were remarkable. We were still eating meat back then, and I had a thing for turkey sausages, so I crumbled one up and cooked it in the last 15 minutes. Meat is not necessary. But it adds an interesting flavor.

These beans are so good, they bring tears to my husband’s eyes. Sadly, I am not joking. I bore his child and didn’t get nearly the same response I get when I make ghetto fake baked beans.

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