OMW

Having a decent day so far. It’s kind of warm out. We had breakfast outside. I just took my shower. I rummaged through a few boxes of electronic miscellany in our closet to look for our web cam, but to no avail. I’ll need DH. I’m thinking of trying my hand at the vlog thing. We’ll see how it goes.

I have this weird sadness in me. I don’t know where it’s stemming from. Usually I would ignore it and just eat a ton of chocolate or something. I have no idea why I’m sad. Last night, I was very sad. Maybe it had something to do with what happened last night. We went to the mall, and DD was playing around in the mall play area. There were a ton of kids. I was sitting next to a pregnant woman and her husband, who had two kids running around, a little boy, probably four years old, and a girl, about two. All of a sudden, the woman stood up and started yelling, “Hit him back! Hit him back!” Her husband got up and was shouting, and he walked over to one of the playhouses and picked up his son. He started screaming at one little boy, who burst into tears. The crying boy’s mother started yelling at the father, saying, “My son didn’t touch your son! It was that boy!” It was another little kid that had slapped the guy’s son around. So then the father went over and started yelling, “Whose kid is this??” Then the kid’s mom came over. She was out in the mall area sitting down on a couch on her cell phone. They started yelling at each other. It was just bizarre and awful.

I imagine this kind of shit goes on everywhere, but in Houston, things are different. Maybe it’s different because every asshole around here owns a gun, and with that comes this fucked up sense of entitlement I’m just not used to. People brag how in Texas you can shoot anyone who trespasses onto your property, no questions asked.

I’m just an East Coaster, where people are just stuck up and rude, not crazy-violent.

Anyway. Wow that was off topic. But Houston generally disturbs me.

Food:
bfast — 2 eggs, 3 small Gimme Lean patties
lunch — FF Hebrew National, veggies
dinner — SOUP
snack–

Exercise:
Planning on cardio today

Water:

Body Image:

What I Need to Work On:

I slept well, even though I could have slept another hour or two. Isn’t that always the case? DD was up in the middle of the night — I think her body rejected the hamburger from last night. =( Luckily she was in good spirits and went back to bed quickly after we changed her monster diaper. I woke up this morning super thirsty for some reason. I must be slightly dehydrated. I get really thirsty now, and I really notice when I haven’t had enough to drink. Yesterday after the walk at the park, I probably would have had a bunch of water to drink, but I had none. Also, I try not to drink before bed otherwise I have to wake up to go pee.

DD is still asleep. It is one of those rare mornings when I get to shower before she wakes up. I’m sitting here nursing a giant glass of ice water as if I have a hangover. Today will be good and on plan. I can feel it.

Food:
bfast — 2 eggs, Gimme Lean sausage, coffee w/ 2% milk
lunch — something with the leftover lima beans 2 lima bean patties
dinner — red lentil vegetable soup 2 lima bean patties, salsa
snack– tomato & LFLC, 2 turkey slices, string cheese, smoothie (tofu, almond milk, almonds, yogurt, SF choco), 2 FF Hebrew Nationals w/ ketchup

Exercise:
Going to focus on strength today
Biggest Loser strength & sculpt
WATP, 15 minutes before my thighs gave out, ha

Water:
20 oz
20 oz
20 oz

Body Image:
Pretty good, actually. I was pretty negative and in a foul mood earlier this afternoon because DD was being super naughty. I was really growly and sad and empty feeling, and didn’t feel like working out. Then I watched a video of roller derby and felt better and did the BL strength and sculpt. My thighs are like mush now. And then I had a snack, drank some tea, felt so good that I did WATP, but only lasted about 15 minutes because of said mushy thighs. Then I had a smoothie. I love smoothies. Now DD is awake, DH should be home from work. I think we’ll go outside and read.
What I Need to Work On:

I’m reading a book that was suggested in the forums, Geneen Roth’s Breaking Free of Emotional Eating. I kinda like it so far, but I really don’t think that learning to read your body’s hunger cues needs to involve something akin to eating chocolate chip cookie dough for a month. I learned that theory a couple years ago, that you should NEVER restrict your foods because you WILL rebel. Eventually. I don’t think that’s a good idea to do that, in my case. I can see how it would work for some people, but I know that if I reallyyyyyyyyyy wanted a chocolate chip cookie, or 10, I would be eating them right now. I probably would enjoy it too much and the exercise would lose its efficacy.

But, I do agree it’s critical and vital to learn about your body and hunger. Eating, for me, is soooo dissociated from hunger, it’s not even funny. But instead of letting myself indulge in “forbidden foods,” it’s better for me to give food the finger. I had that conversation with food today. There was a plate of the yummie bean patties, and I kept picking off the good bits in the corner. You know, the brown, crusty bits engorged with olive oil and containing all the concentrated flavors of the pan. And I just kept saying, “Fuck you, food. Fuck youuuuuuuuu, fuck youuuu, fuck youuuuuuuuuuu.” Maybe this is the anger stage of the 12 step program of food addiction.

So yea. I need to think about hunger and how it feels.

Okay. Slept well last night. It’s freakin’ colddddddddddddddddd. Today was one of those great energy days. Well, kind of. It started that way. I just finished WATP, and I had less energy than I thought. I made it through almost 1.5 miles. I always stop when they start the stretchy bands. I just had a snack and will then rest and do Biggest Loser strength & sculpt. My back is sore from Biggest Loser cardio from yesterday. It was the punches, and that muscle in the lower back that gets pulled.

Food:
bfast — 2 eggs, 2 slices of turkey breast
lunch — crusted beans, kale
dinner — half of pecan avacado blue cheese chicken salad, no dressing
snack– handful of walnuts, two slices turkey breast, LF string cheese, 2 slices of turkey breast, another string cheese

Exercise:
WATP, morning
1.5 mile walk at park
Biggest Loser strength & sculpt

Water:
40 oz

Body Image:
Not bad today
What I Need to Work On:
Nothing I can thing of at the moment.

10:30 pm edit: Went to the park with DD and played around for a bit. When DH met us there, he watched DD on the playground and I walked 1.5 miles! Yay. It went so quickly, and I walked briskly and my legs didn’t hurt at any point even though I was just wearing my Birkenstocks. Then we went to Culver’s for dinner, and I was quite content to eat a salad while DH & DD had burgers and fries and ice cream. Sigh. Weirdly, I had no cravings, which I think was on account of my exercise. Also, I was only able to eat about half my salad, then I made DH finish it off or else I would just sit there and pick and pick and pick at it.

I love my Heidi Swanson cookbook, Super Natural Cooking. I also love beans. We eat beans every day. Last night I soaked a bag of giant white lima beans so I could make her Giant Crusty and Creamy White Beans With Greens:

Heidi says: “I get more requests for this recipe than any other. The crisp golden crust on the beans encases a rich and creamy center, creating an irresistibly delicious combination. The greens provide a nutritionally packed accent as well as beautiful color. Plan ahead, as you need to soak the beans overnight. You can even cook them a day or two in advance; drain and store them in the refrigerator until you’re ready to use them. I’ve tried this recipe with canned beans of different varieties, but I always ended up with a mushy pot of bean mash—tasty, but not what we’re after. The freshly cooked dried beans maintain their structure much better during sautéing. Giant corona beans, cellini beans, or white cannellini are the best choice here.”

That pretty much says it all. Honestly, when all was said and done, it tasted like … dunno … maybe the texture of home fried potatoes, but a zillion times better. Plus I used wayyyyyy less oil.

Oh. So. Good.

Here’s a link to the recipe.

Argh! So DD woke up in the middle of the night, and consequently we were awake from 3 am to 7 am. Then we went back to sleep and woke up at 11 am.

Midnight snack: 2 slices of turkey, tomato & LFLC

Food:
bfast — skipped. We were asleep. =/
lunch — currywurst (2 FF beef hot dogs, homemade curry ketchup, yum) & one tomato sliced with 1 LFLC & balsamic vinegar, coffee with almond milk
dinner — crusted beans & kale (from Heidi Swanson’s cookbook)
snack– post-workout smoothie (silken tofu, yogurt, almond milk, SF choco syrup, walnuts), 2 pieces of turkey breast, tomato w/ LFLC
Exercise:
WATP
Biggest Loser cardio, ouch!
Strength & L Word

Water:
A ton of tea.

Body Image:
Pretty good at first, then I felt gross later on in the evening after I overate.
What I Need to Work On:
Hmm. Can’t think of anything right this moment.

There is nothing I effin’ hate more than the “Wow, you look great!” comments I get after I lose weight. That as the biggest self-esteem killer on the planet. Yea, maybe I look healthier. Yea, maybe I look less … puffy. Whatever. But implicit to “Wow, you look great!” is that I looked horrible before. It highlights only one, and the least important, reason for losing weight.

Not to mention that it totally throws me off track, considering one of the main reasons I have so much weight on my body is so that no one notices me or finds me attractive.

I’ve been freaking out today, and I’m hitting that portion where people have started to take notice that I’ve lost weight. My neighbor. My family, when I see them in two months. They will notice. And my husband. Particularly, my husband.

Today he said I looked hot, bla bla, he’s so proud of me for getting into my body. That I look more confident. Of course I only fixate on the “You look hot” portion of his sentiments. And it freaks me out and makes me want to grab a therapist and sit down for a few hours.

So ok. Bigtxmomma’s big weight gain.

Ugh!! DD’s awake from her nap! I am saved from myself! Sigh.

More later.

It’s kind of funny. I’ve been sort of horrified that I’ve lost 6 pounds at each weekly weigh in. This week I lost 3 pounds, which is a far more comfortable rate for me. Six pounds a week is just not healthy. I mean, I suppose everyone says that people should lose a pound a week, and that’s probably normal for a person weighing under 200 pounds, but at my weight, I guess six pounds isn’t all that much.

I feel like I’m at a turning point. This always happens to me. I start to snack, and I overeat, and I no longer have the will power to stop eating. So I can feel myself slipping up and off, so I said, I can do it today. I will watch what I eat today. I will not snack. I will read back on the past 21 days and remember what it felt like to stay on track.

Food:
bfast — 2 eggs, 3 small pieces of Gimme Lean
lunch — ratatouille, with a couple spoonfuls of lentils
dinner — lentils & kale 2 FF all beef hot dogs with curry ketchup, a couple spoons of ratatouille
snack– 2 slices of turkey breast, tomato, lite LC
almond milk, tomato with LC

Exercise:
WATP brisk
Strength during L Word

Water:
20 oz tea
20 oz water
Body Image:
What I Need to Work On:
For the past couple weeks, I’ve really focused on eating only when I was hungry, and really listening to my body instead of eating mindlessly. This weekend I totally slipped into mindless eating. Even right now, I’m automatically doing mindless picking. I need to stop thinking that it’s harmless, because it’s not. It’s a gateway to overeating. It adds up and adds up, and gets me in the habit of feeding myself wantonly. Ughhhhh. So no mindless eating today. I can’t even look at food without wanting to stick it in my mouth. If I see food lying out somewhere, I grab it. So no food on the counter. I am only eating when I am HUNGRY. NOT BECAUSE IT’S THERE.

4:12 edit: I don’t even know what it means to eat when you’re hungry. I was hungry, so I ate two slices of turkey deli meat, sliced a tomato, and put LC on it. I drank some water. A bunch of water. I’m still hungry. I think. I mean, I kind of am. Sigh.

Body, what is it you want?

Last week: 306
Today: 303

Crisis. We have no eggs! We have no coffee! Must. Go. Shopping. I gave DD a breakfast bar, which I had bought for our camping trip. We had a failed camping trip last night. We called up Brazos Bend State Park, who said they had camping sites available on a first come, first served basis. Naive us, we packed up the car, drove over an hour south, bought camping food, FINALLY found the park, get a camping spot in the overflow camping lot. Which was basically a freakin’ parking lot. There was a ditch to pitch the tent in. Maybe if it was just DH & me, it would be doable, but there was noooo way in heck I was going to let DD sleep in a tent pitched in a ditch in the middle of a parking lot, for god’s sake.

It was so sad. Our little hearts were broken. I overate last night, big time. I had soy nuts and nuts. It was misery eating.

Today will be on plan.
Food:
bfast — soy nuts, SF peppermint patty =/
lunch — lentil cake with salsa, mozz cheese
dinner — ratatouille (yes, we’re also watching the movie!)
snack– cheese stick, some nuts, 2 FF beef hot dogs, steamed broccoli & cauliflower

Exercise:
House cleaning

Water:
Bad. I don’t think I’ve even had a single glass. I hate weekends.

Body Image:
Excellent! I feel very good today, very strong.

What I Need to Work On:
Making the weekends work better. They’re always so chaotic when we’re on the go.

Well, at least I slept a ton. Last night, after putting DD down to bed, I was online for a bit then told DH I wanted to go to sleep. I think it was around 10:30 or 11. DH was in a foul mood and didn’t want to go to sleep, and he started yelling about my ridiculous bedtime, that he works all day, bla bla bla, has no time for himself, bla bla. So I said ok, I’ll just go sleep in with DD then. No big deal. If he wanted to stay up, that’s fine. So then he freaked out about that, saying how I was punishing him because he didn’t want to go to sleep. I was like, “No, I’m serious. Stay up. It’s not a big deal. I want to sleep, so I should be able to sleep if I want to.” And then he was like, “Whyyyyyy are you being like this?? Why are you punishing me?” It was bizarre. I think he’s stressed from work. I went in to DD’s room and slept with her. See, this is why we need an extra bedroom.

Today will be on plan.

Food:
bfast — 2 eggs, 3 pieces of Gimme Lean, coffee with almond milk
lunch — 2 lentil cakes, with tomatoes & mozz cheese on top
dinner — on the road, so soy nuts, and some cheese, and some mixed nuts =/ BAD DINNER! AND a light beer. Michelob Ultra.  Wow. I had a bad evening.
snack– 1 lentil cake

Exercise:
WATP, a little over a mile, brisk
Biggest Loser strength

Water:
2 glasses
1 glass of tea

Body Image:

What I Need to Work On:

Today is going to be a good day, gorram it. I cleaned up a bit in the living room. It is a gorgeous day, so I opened the windows. I AM GOING TO WORK MY BUTT OFF TODAY. I am. I can do it. I will do it.

5:30 edit: And I totally DID do it. Oot! I pretty much kicked a** today. I did WATP in the morning instead of showering, and then during DD’s nap I showered and did like 15 mins of strength stuff while watching the L Word, but I wasn’t feeling it. Then I did the Biggest Loser strength & sculpt, which went well. I kind of tapered off toward the end. But it was a good day. Whew. I really needed a good day. =/

Food:
bfast — 2 eggs, coffee
lunch — kale, sausage sauteed with onions, FF cheese and mozz sprinkled on top
dinner — lentil cakes (French green lentils, salsa, onions, eggs, mozz) w/ raw tomatoes
snack– 1/2 egg
leftover kale stir fry
a couple spoons of tuna salad following workout
chocolate almond milk

Exercise:
10 mins of Richard Simmons before I gave up because I kept falling all over the place
WATP, 1.5 mile brisk
Biggest Loser strength & sculpt
Water:
4 glasses water
2 glasses tea

Body Image:
Pretty darn good today. I’m feeling good.

What I Need to Work On:
Maybe a visual calendar to show my progress, and a more defined reward system.

I was in the world’s crappiest mood today. Maybe because the beautiful weather has been replaced with the normal nasty, wet, humid Houston weather. Maybe it’s my period. Maybe it’s because my hips hurt and I didn’t want to do WATP today. Maybe it’s god knows what, but I am in a very bad mood, a continuation on last night’s almost binge fest. During DD’s nap, I holed myself up in my bedroom to avoid eating everything in sight. And I was like, dammit, I want comfort food. But I didn’t want to go off plan. I was thinking of making mac & cheese with my shirataki noodles and low fat cheese, and I was like, “You know what? It’s probably going to taste like a**.” So I decided to make fake Ramen. Wow. It reminded me of the Ramen my dad used to make when we were little. I used Better Than Bullion, a pack of tofu shirataki spaghetti noodles.

Calories for a gigantic bowl? 50.

Add one egg & a handful of edamame: 140.

So a little less than 100 calories per serving.

Nice. And comforty.

Food:
bfast — 1 egg, 3 pieces of Gimme Lean sausage, coffee
lunch — 2 spoons of Panera chicken noodle soup (I was going to eat around the noodles, heehee) before deciding it was too glutinous and prolly bad for me. So I went home and ate a piece of veggie quiche. More coffee
dinner — remains of fake Ramen soup, small bowl of ricotta w/ SF choco syrup and walnuts
snack– 2 string cheeses, fake Ramen soup

Exercise:
Biggest Loser strength and sculpt

Water:
20 oz

Body Image:
It was okay today. I didn’t really think about it either way.

What I Need to Work On:
I need to stop being miserable. I had such an awful day. I hope my period comes or something, because my mood is not normal. =/ I felt bad for not exercising, even though I just picked up my weights and all my muscles kinda hurt. I’ll be back on track tomorrow. I PROMISE. What a freakin’ rough day. I think I’m having a hard time because DH’s been working so much, and I’m just lonely. I need more friends here.

Today I’m kind of irritated because DH was up too late last night. I really don’t know how to manage it. He’s being irresponsible by staying up so late, anyway, considering he has to go to work the next morning. I’ll see how much energy I have to work out today. I think I might do the Biggest Loser strength and sculpt right now. I’m considering moving my exercise to the morning. I was reading an article about how some people are just programmed to be able to exercise better at different times of the day. Sometimes I just lack any sort of oomph, and you’d think that I’d be able to channel it once I get going, but that’s not often the case.

Yesterday, I had a bunch of oomph. The day before that, not so much.

Definitely I’m going to stay on plan food-wise today. For some reason it’s been really easy to stay on plan. Maybe because I’ve separated the pantry, and the upper cabinet has some of my trigger foods, and the bottom has all my healthy foods. I’ve also been asking DH to make all the carby stuff for DD, because I just seriously CANNOT look at it otherwise I’ll start drooling. I just can’t even make her a peanut butter and jam sandwich otherwise the cravings would be too much.

Food:
bfast — 1.5 eggs, 3 small pieces of Gimme Lean
lunch — 1.5 bowls of lentil soup, with spoonful of yogurt
dinner — 1 stuffed mushroom caps, plus pre-gaming while making =/
snack– string cheese, smoothie (with silken tofu, almond milk, SF choco syrup, walnuts)

Exercise:
Biggest Loser strength and sculpt
WATP, 1 mile brisk
Strength, 15 mins
Water:
20 oz

Body Image:
What I Need to Work On:

5 pm edit: I did a little over a mile of WATP. I think it was about 15 minutes. DD woke up right as I had started because there was a loud storm overhead, so I laid down with her, but she couldn’t go back to sleep. So I tried to do WATP while she was in the room, but that was nearly impossible and I got aggravated with her. I had wanted to take it light today because my muscles are sore, so I guess it’s ok. Maybe tonight after she goes to bed I’ll do the Biggest Loser sculpt and strength. I think that’s why my abs are hurting today. =D

7:05 pm edit: Okay I’m having a terrible day. I wanted to go out for dinner because I really wanted meat (I don’t cook meat anymore). So I called DH hoping he’d meet DD and I at our favorite Mexican place (he and I always get fajitas for 2). But he couldn’t because of work. So anyway I was cooking dinner and DD was roaming around, and it was hard to keep an eye on her. Then I heard her splashing around in the freakin’ toilet (!!!!!!) (we’re potty training her atm). So I ran over and scolded her and washed her off and put her in the naughty chair. Then I kept cooking and five minutes later she’s like, “Mommy, poopy!” and she had pooped in her pants. And it was a LOT of poop. So I take her into the bathroom and calmly put her on the toilet and take her underwear off and I’m wiping and cleaning it all up, and then I flush the toilet, and the freakin’ toilet is stopped up, and I can only imagine that maybe she stuffed a toy in there. So the stupid thing is about to overflow and I’m freakin out because dealing with another human’s poop like that is very demoralizing until you’re used to it. I’m totally fine changing poopy diapers because they are predictable. But to have this poop-smeared bathroom and panties and it’s all over the place and I put her in the shower and I just shut down because I was so hungry and I had wanted to go out and here I was in the middle of cooking dinner and covered in poop. It was pretty startling. So I soap her up in the shower and get her dressed again and finish cooking and I’m like, “F*** it.” I just started sampling everything I was making and going nuts and I probably ate all I should have just standing up. I made stuffed mushrooms (stuffed with onions, broad beans, kale, ricotta cheese, LF cream cheese) and I went right after the cream cheese because I knew it was the highest calories and I just kept sticking my finger in. It was pretty bad. And then I was sauteing some kale and I added WAYYYYYYYYYYY more olive oil than I usually do. I usually put a tbl in to do the onions up, and then I add vegetable stock instead of using too much oil. But this time I just added a bunch of oil. Yea. I suck.

So I ate one stuffed mushroom after that. I’m going to let DH feed DD when he comes home. =/  I’m cutting myself off!

Dude I loveeeeeeee my inspiration wall. DH blew up some images for me, so I now have a picture of Leslie Sansone, my wonderful aunt the fitness freak, a picture of roller derby girls (I totally want to do roller derby some day), my friend, my NaNoWriMo certificate.

Heeeheehehehehehehehhehehehe.

So woke up in the middle of the night with DD, who had a bellyache. I gave her some toast and milk, and I was pretty darn hungry, so I ate deli slices of turkey and 2 2% American cheese slices. So 250 calories in the middle of the night. I’m not going to kick myself. I was super hungry. I’m not used to being hungry. I think that’s one of the dubious side effects of constant overeating.

Today’s plan:

Food:
2 eggs, Gimme Lean
tuna & garbanzo salad, with red cabbage slaw
smoothie (tofu, almond milk, choco syrup, walnuts)
2 bowls of lentil soup
more lentil soup (but I set some dried broad beans to soak overnight, so I’m going to cook those up. I was thinking of making a bean & spinach dip for veggies, and using some more to make stuffed mushroom caps.)

Exercise:
Strength, 10 mins
Biggest Loser strength & sculpt
WATP brisk, a little over a mile
Exercise ball

Water:
Lots! 20 oz, 1 glass in the morning

Body image:
I feel slenderer. Even though I’m not. But I don’t feel like the hefty cow I used to. I wore one of my favorite shirts today that I hadn’t worn in a year.

What else I should work on today:
I think I need to work on my inspiration door. And put pics up of people who are inspiring. Um. Oh god, it’s so embarrassing, but I’m actually motivated by Leslie Sansone. Hahahahahahaaha. Her cheeziness has triggered something in me. Oh yea, and I need a pic of my aunt, the health freak nut. And NaNoWriMo certificate, to show me that I can do anything for at least 30 days. I already have a pic of my fat buddy after she lost a ton of weight and started running 10Ks.

Ok so I started out this morning seriously hungry. I ate about 1.5 eggs and 3 little sausage patties but still was hungry so I drank a bunch. Then I did about 45 mins of stretches, about 10-15 of Biggest Loser cardio, and then almost a mile of WATP brisk. Then drank a smoothie and did exercise ball. I did about 30 minutes of cardio, but I was realizing that I don’t want to push myself too much, because if I do, I’m going to start hating it and then I’ll stop then I’ll gain back all the weight I lost PLUS 20 pounds. So I need to keep this going. I think maybe in a month or two I’ll start looking at the YMCA down the road.

I feel so good, though. My back is so much stronger. When I carry DD, I usually get this little crook in my lower back, and now it’s replaced by muscle and I can FEEL the muscle but it doesn’t hurt. Yay for strong backs! I really love the strength stuff I’ve been doing, and all the core exercises. I really can tell a difference.

Food:
1 and 1/2 eggs, 3 small bits of Gimme Lean, coffee
Smoothie with walnuts
Two spoonfuls of tuna/chickpea salad
1.5 bowls of lentil and vegetable soup

Exercise:
45 mins strength
10-15 mins Biggest Loser
10-15 mins WATP
core exercises on ball

Water:
2 20ozs so far. I’m drinking a lot today!

Body image:
Not so good. I have a zit on my face and I just feel yucky. I was standing in line in the bathroom at the museum yesterday surrounded by all these thin people and I felt like a monster.

312 to 306

6 pounds lost this week

19 pounds lost overall

Wow, I have no plan for today.

Food:
1 slice of crustless veggie quiche from yesterday
remains of broccoli soup red cabbage slaw & tuna w/ chickpeas
dinner — maybe something with beans tofu, kale stir fry with peanut butter sauce & shiritaki noodles

Exercise:
Strength
Biggest Loser/WATP
Exercise ball
Going out to butterfly center
Does walking a mile holding a 37-pound child count as exercise?

Water:
20 oz
15 oz tea

I’m in SUCH a bad mood right now, and I want to gobble, gobble, gobble. It’s killing me to sit here and distract myself, and I know if I go out, I’ll just want to stop and get food somewhere. I’m capping my calories for today. No more food.

I even know why I feel like crap. DH and I got into a spat this afternoon. He was complaining about how small our 2 br apartment is and how we don’t have room to do our own thing. (The origin was that I was in my exercise corner of our bedroom, watching the L Word on my laptop and doing exercises on the ball. He was trying to play his guitar and kept getting distracted by the noise of the show.)  So I was like, “Well, you should learn to work with what you have, instead of constantly expanding.” (I’m a city girl. I love small places. It just requires you to be creative. He’s a native Texan and is still into the bigger is better thing.) So I suggested that he clean out our whopping walk-in closet (which is seriously larger than our whole freakin’ dining room). So he started to do that but was already agitated and then started yelling about these random bags of clothing I have in the closet. lol And I was like, “I’m just going to ignore you.” Which I did.

Then he finished clearing it out and started putting in energy efficient lightbulbs into the bathroom and the closet. I don’t know why. He’s got like ADHD or something.

So everything is fine again and then he’s like, “Can I go out and play guitar with XXX?” and I said it would be fine, I’ll hang out with DD, take her out to the mall or park. But then when she woke up from her nap she was super cranky and wouldn’t eat dinner so I said screw it, we’ll stay here. And now I’m just irritated because it’s like what the hell, you’re going to yell at me? And THEN go out and have fun while I’m here thinking about the pack of cupcakes you so poorly hid over the cabinets???!

I’M GOING NUTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I WANT TO GO OUTTTTTTTTTTTT.

This weekend we’re trying to fully potty train DD. She likes using the toilet except she freaks out when she has to go poopy. She’s only pooped in the toilet twice, which is why we previously suspended our efforts a few months ago. Now, I know she has to go, because she keeps asking for a diaper to put on. =/ Right now she’s watching Aladdin on her little toilet. I think she’s trying to hold out until nap time, when she knows she’ll get her diaper on.

So today’s plan: exercise, exercise, exercise! Going to do strength exercises, then move onto cardio while DD is napping.

4:15 edit: Did good exercise today. Did 20 mins upper body strength (rowing, bicep curls). Did about 15 mins on exercise ball. Did about 20 min Biggest Loser dvd, and a little over 1 miles on WATP brisk.  I’m proud of myself. Gonna do more exercise ball to stretch/abs, and watch the L Word. Woot.

Food:
crustless quiche (onions, Gimme Lean, kale, some 2% cheese, eggs)
broccoli soup for lunch another slice of quiche
smoothie for after workout
walnuts for snack

Water:
20 oz iced tea
20 oz water

Body image:
Ok right now. I feel bad about last night, which makes me look in the mirror and feel gross about myself. =/
4:15 edit: My body impresses me. I like my strong muscles.

For some reason, this afternoon would have been the type of afternoon where I would have binged. I can just feel it deep down in my belly, this desire to eat, eat, eat, eat. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s boredom. At this time, after lunch, I usually put DD down for her nap, DH’s back at work, and then I go and watch L Word and do the strength exercises, then cardio, then DD wakes up and I start making dinner. I was going to take it easy today because my body needs to chill out and recover. I’ve gone from doing zero exercise to 1.5 hrs every day for two weeks. I just think my body needs a break. I’m always afraid I’m going to wear down my heart or my ribs are cracking or something bizarre like that. (I’m a hypochondriac. As in an actual hypochondriac. As in clinical.)

Maybe I’ll just do it lightly.

Tomorrow I have a good day planned, if we can pull it off. DH and I are night owls, and the little one is, too. But I want to go to the farmer’s market downtown, open from 8-12, and then after that go see In Bruges at the cry baby matinee at the Angelika.

My plan is to go light on the exercise and give myself a break.

Food:
Bfast — 2 eggs, 3 tiny GL sausage, coffee, water
Lunch — broccoli soup (I’m going to be eating it for a while)
Dinner — went out for Chinese, had beef & scallops in brown sauce
Snack — handful of walnuts
Snack — half cup of almond milk and cocoa

Exercise:
I ordered an exercise ball on Amazon and it should be arriving today, so maybe that.  Rolled around on exercise ball. lol =D

Water:
20 oz ice water
20 oz tea
20 oz ice water

Today started out okay. I was a bit sleepy because DD had trouble settling down last night, and I was in a bad mood and had a small spat with DH. Slept well, though. We all woke up early, and DD and I spent the morning out on the balcony because it’s the most gorgeous day ever. When she wakes up, I think we’ll go to the park. I had a good exercise day — I actually timed how long I was doing my cardio stuff, and it amounted to around 40 minutes. My muscles were a bit weak, though, and lacking the stamina I had yesterday. I think I need longer breaks? Give my body a chance to recover? I don’t know. Maybe I should just ease up. Regardless, I didn’t push myself too hard to keep going and ended WATP brisk after only .5 miles. =D I did a good 20 minutes of the Biggest Loser workout before that, so I didn’t feel too bad. I also did about 15 or 20 minutes of strength stuff, and after the cardio I did some stretching.

I don’t know what we’ll do for dinner tonight. Maybe I’ll get DH to take DD and me out. Even though we ate two days ago, and I always overeat, even if it is on salad. If hell was freezing over, I might get DH to cook dinner for us. But that’s never going to happen. =/ Unless I wanted to eat Ramen or hot dogs.

Edit: For dinner I made broccoli soup, which is reasonably healthy. I had two bowls. =D And then I made ricotta souffles for dessert and am wishing I hadn’t because I feel like I ate wayyyyy too much today. =/

Food:
Bfast — 2 eggs, 3 small patties of Gimme Lean, coffee, tea
Lunch — leftover portabella pizza
Snack — smoothie
Snack — small bowl of lentil soup
Dinner — 2 bowls of broccoli soup
Dessert — lime ricotta souffle
Midnight snack — half a green pepper

Exercise:
40 mins cardio
15-20 strength

Water:
20 oz.
20 oz.

Body image:
Started out pretty good when I tried on a pair of jeans that I bought last year when I lost 30 pounds and they fit again, although a little snug. But then it totally crashed when I realized they were a size 28. =/ To their credit, they are a bit smaller than normal 28s, because most of my 28s are too big for me. =/ =/ =/

Getting back on track!

Had a lousy morning, then TOM started, and I felt infinitely better because I was wondering why I was going downhill so fast. That gave me motivation. Also, I bought the Biggest Loser DVD because it had good reviews and supposedly was easy, so I did that after strength exercises. I gave up after 15 minutes and started craving the simplicity of Leslie Sansone, so I put it on the 2 mile brisk walk and did 1 mile, barely. But it felt good and I feel back on track. =D

Food:
2 eggs, 3 Gimme Lean patties, coffee
cheese stick
smoothie (tofu, yogurt, almond milk, choco syrup)
cheese stick
portabella pizza (one giant portabella mushroom, marinated with balsamic vinegar, soy sauce, garlic; topped with sauteed onions and peppers, tomato, and low fat mozzarella cheese)

Exercise:
15-20 minutes strength
15 minutes of Biggest Loser warm-up & cardio
1 mile brisk WATP

Water:
20 oz of iced tea… does that count? Going to drink more now.
20 oz of ice water

Wow today was awful. I didn’t exercise at all, did a lot of errands. Leslie Sansone would be disappointed in me, because, after all, “You always have time for you!!” I also almost had a binge fest, which was narrowly overted, but I’m still feeling the ramifications from it. I will exercise tomorrow and get back on track. Cleaning the house was a good start, I think. Earlier I was angry at myself for not exercising, so I said I would clean the house to make up for the lack of exercise, and I did, so that was good.

Food:
Smoothie (silken tofu, choco syrup, almond milk, walnuts)
Lentil soup w/ one egg
2 large salads (with beets, squash, zucchini, spinach)

Exercise:
Cleaned the house for about 45 minutes

Water:
NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bad bigtxmomma. =/ I was out and about all day. I drank coffee and diet coke. =/

Plan for tomorrow:

Food:
eggs & Gimme Lean for bfast
lentil soup for lunch & maybe a side of greens
portabella pizza with roasted garlic and tomatoes

Exercise:
WATP!!!!!
STRENGTH!!!!!!
PARK!!!!!!!!! Actually instead we might go walking to the bookstore down the road to get some books for DH’s Valentine’s Day presents.

Water:
Yes Ma’am!