! trANNsformation BaBy !

Yeah, I’ve finally figured out that my agent is really disinterested in my desire to find a home. Let’s see, I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly.

I called her on Monday to introduce myself and inquire into whether she would be able to assist me in one of the most major events in my life. ‘Yes!’ she cried, ‘I can definitely help you find a wonderful home’. Uh huh - she said she’d e-mail me but Friday rolled on and I hadn’t heard a word from her. I called her and she seemed a bit dismayed at my reluctance to consider a condo (HOA fees) but said that she’d e-mail me something.

Here we are on Saturday night and NOTHING. I have already set up viewings of 4 houses tomorrow - it was a pain in the ass but I did it. This is clearly HER job. She’s not getting a dime from me - I’m going to go ahead and look for someone else. Someone who is interested…. I know 315,000 isn’t a whole lot of money here in the bay area - but it’s still something to me. A kind, ‘I have too many clients right now - I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you.’ Would suffice but hell no. Just string me a long and have me chasing you.

Next week I start looking for someone else. Hopefully I’ll find someone good….

Today I did laundry, put it away and really watched my food intake. I even managed to pick up a little around here because I’ve been doing quite well (if I say so myself) on maintenance.

My poor bike bit the dust yesterday - I finally got around to dragging it to a bike shop and got the bad news. Oh well. *Like that relationship - I got NOTHING out of it It was a gift from my ex so I guess it’s fitting that it’s now in a recycle garbage heap. Oh well. I was hoping to use it as an alternative form of exercise. Now I get to wonder if I want to buy a new bike. I know I could get one for fairly reasonable. I doubt I’ll do anything about it right this minute - but Labor Day is coming around and sales might be good.

Tonight I was supposed to go with co-dependent to her new digs (ocean view shack) and help to bless her place but she’s waiting for p.o.s. (piece of shit boyfriend) to get home from his condiment showcase job at a grocery chain. I let her know that if he’s negative that he needs to be excluded from the activity because the whole point is to clear the space of negativity. Not introduce anger to the new place. So she’s going to call me after he gets home…. should be interesting. I’ll tell you what will make it a nice place - the absence of an alcoholic lazy ass barely working p.o.s.

Yep, sometimes the truth hurts.

Seems that LA had her asshole lasered yesterday. I had to laugh at that bullshit. She thinks she’s some kind of porn star now and has spent nearly 600.00 on ridding herself of her pubic hair. She doesn’t realize that as we age, it’ll drop off but hell - it’s her money. Must be nice to live at home and not pay rent. She’s also going to have her tiny moles removed, a botox treatment all over her face and she mentioned something about having her face threaded.

Dang - now that’s pretty crazy for a 33 year old ok? Good grief. I’m actually overdue for my botox shot on the ole crowsfeet but for some reason it’s just not a priority right now.

Meanwhile, I’m getting fatter and that’s BAD. So I’m starting to crack down on myself and this need to eat everything in sight.

Challenging - definitely.

Well, I slipped beneath the dark current this morning as soon as I woke up. So much for treading through this - I sank like a brick and spent the morning in a sad funk. I was bummed out all day despite it being such a busy one.

I felt queasy about the whole rowing thing last night and decided to not go today. I don’t need that shit. I honestly don’t. Then I saw that they were going to assign me to ‘lead’ the boat. Hell no. So I begged off for this week and found a rowing organization that’s about 5 minutes from me. I spoke to the woman in charge and she let me know that while they don’t have a team, it’s individual rowing in a one person boat and you can go out as many times/days as you desire for a flat fee. I scheduled a lesson (60.00) with her to see if I would like it. So my lesson is on 8/25 at 6:30am and I wouldn’t have to get up earlier than 6:00am! A far far cry from getting up at 4:00am and I feel like I’m going to like it because I can actually row as long as I want to without waiting for others to take their turn for a 5 minute spell. So I am hopeful. Fingers crossed

I can’t tell you what a relief that was…

Anybody see the Manor House? The PBS series about going back into the past? I absolutely loved it when I saw it and now I’ve got the 1900 House in the DVD player. What a wonderful escape for me.

I also think I slipped under today because of the whole house situation (or lack of house for the money) as well. But everything takes time - so we’ll remember that and with the whole rowing bullshit behind me - I’m feeling better.

Ok, yet another hectic day again tomorrow.

I’ve decided that I don’t like this new editing page….

It’s my day off today for all the overtime I’ve been working these past few weeks and I’m working on getting my space tidied up. I’m actually going to put the filter back into the Dyson and give it a whirl

Yes, keep up - I live a very exciting life.

I’ve been feeling rather uneasy about the stupid shit at rowing class. Ms. Crisis told me that I should quit it and spend my energies elsewhere. It’s weird how it’s a lingering kind of dread that I’ve got to go tomorrow. I am going to go though but I was proactive today and wrote to a rowing group in my area to ask if they had regular practice for a novice. But it just sucks…. I hate feeling crappy about something I enjoy… I know that shit people are in every area but it seems that I am the minority in this group and don’t think any talking will resolve this issue. Oh well…. I hope I can find something closer

Drama.

Anyhoo, I managed to call that lady we visited yesterday’s old agent and she is still in the business! She’s going to look into things for me and let me know. So it was a positive exchange and I feel much better about having some help with finding something. She said that a condo may need to be considered due to the bad neighborhoods. I am willing to consider this despite the loss of a back yard.

Meanwhile, I have been eating very very poorly. I’m feeling a bit blue and am trying not to let it get to me. I need to focus on getting back into the game and taking care of myself. I was putting away a work box from when I moved from one office to another that’s been sitting in my space since January today and saw some pictures of me at size 16 and then at size 12. As I teeter at the edge of size 14 - I realize that I’ve got to stop fucking around with this before I blow up again.

Damn. It’s always a goddamn struggle.

But I am making some great progress today on tidying up, paying some bills online and realizing that I can manage the stressors right now.

Dang - does it ever get easier?

A cup of hot tea to the rescue….

Guess people are passin through and because I dig ‘em I’m beginning to take notice. Oh well, I suppose we all gotta go sometime but hell - this is not cool.

I’ve been really busy lately getting prequalified for a VA loan and my ex boss was kind enough to accompany me over to the East Bay today to see some houses. My loan amount is so low because I social work just doesn’t pay what it never did - so we saw some real run down joints today in some really raunchy areas. I was surprised she would get out of the car But she kicked the tires while I fell in love again and again with the idea of owning my own home. I had to think about my mother and whether I could wheel chair her into the joint, my brother who might need to live with me, my kids that I want to parent - it was a bit stressful. But the backyards got my attention like nobody’s business and I walked through the house to get to them. It’s amazing what draws you. When I was in grad school, I lived with a lady named Alice in Berkeley, it was a tiny 2 bedroom house but the backyard is where I sat many days into the evening amongst the green trees and wild plants. I was so sad when I started at CAL because of my boyfriend broke up with me - it was comforting to be able to sit in that wild unkempt yard on my plastic lawn thing and find peace. I gazed up to the blue sky, did homework, daydreamed about life, drank ice tea, cried, smiled, read some great poetry and some really bad poetry. It was healing - I’ve never lived in any places that had a back yard in my adult life and it made such an impact on me.

I saw a real beaut on a quiet street in Oakland. It was built in the 1900 and the appraisal report (she read it while I gazed at the back yard in sheer bliss) says everything will need to be redone from the foundation to the plumbing to the roof. It was a real bargain at 269,000. Smoky (she’s a chain smoker my ole boss) says, ‘Annie, if it were 75,000 to 100,000 less than yeah I could see maybe doing it - but NOT at that price!’ It actually hurt to leave that little two bedroom disaster because I swear I heard it whispering to me as I walked through it - promising me sunny days, smiles and uncontrollable giggles amongst the pitter patter of little feet . Like a siren to the jagged crags it beckoned me with all of it’s termite ridden, collapsed foundation, water damaged glory.

It became late afternoon and we ended up at her friend’s place in Berkeley. On a beautiful tree laden street she lives in a 4 plex that is unique in that all owners have their own loans. It looked quite ordinary from the street but then when she opened the front door I was enchanted. Edwardian detailing, dark wood with lots of molding, shiny dark hardwood floors and window sills that you sit in to see the incredible green lush back yard. It was a beautiful place. Just perfect for her. I could not stop telling her how beautiful it was…. we sat in the garden and admired the fruit trees, jasmine, freesia - it was heavenly. What was even sweeter was their relationship. There was another good friend of theirs visiting and the three of them got to chatting - soon they were laughing. They are all in their 60’s and it was just fabulous to see friendships that have weathered 40 years - with such love. It was so wonderful - the view, the condo, the laughter.

I haven’t told my brother or my mother about this new development. I want to tell them after I’ve found a great place. I don’t want to be negative and start to get down because I seem to find the beaten up stuff at my price range but I did feel a little low today. I know something will surface that will pass the appraisal (VA), have at least 2 bedrooms and a backyard in a decent area of town. I am hoping for Berkeley because the school districts are really great.

Who knows, maybe someday some lonely graduate student will walk by my window and look in longingly at my family sharing time together. It could happen - it will happen. No negativity.

Otherwise, no more older gentlemen (yep - I went out with a 58 year old and quite honestly no one needs to revisit that debacle - can you say gangly crypt keeper with horrible breath? Let’s spare us both a nightmare.

I’m still in shock right now - one my credit score was 702 - the other that I (ME) actually prequalified for a home loan. I can’t believe it. I walked through houses today and had the possibility of owning them. It was amazing. I’ve never owned a home before….the prospect of actually doing it is absolutely SHOCKING.

What’s even more difficult to understand is my hostility level at the ROWING practices. I had a real difficult time on Saturday and actually wanted to quit because of the nastiness of a team mate. The same lady as before only now the coach likes her and she’s made a comment about me ‘not wanting anyone’s help’. I was THIS close to walking up to her and giving her a piece of my mind but I didn’t want to be THAT angry person so I grit my teeth and then got a heads up from the coach that my form is shit. I’ve been trying so hard and I know you don’t learn this stuff overnight but to be told that 80% of my efforts are shit was really hard to hear. No matter how he tried to sugar coat it initially. I was irritated by his need to use strength based principles to tell me I sucked - I told him to just let me know what I was doing wrong so that I would learn faster. *believe me beating around the bush with platitudes really piss me off * I later wrote him an e-mail ‘thanking’ him for his taking the time out to help me do my best at this sport.

When I think about going to practice on Tuesday morning at 5am - I just cringe inside. I know I can’t let these women drive me off and just because someone tells you that you suck doesn’t mean you quit - but believe me when I say it’s been a challenge. I actually like this stuff and wish that I could handle my anger better and learn to ignore hateful people and their ignorant comments. Seems that when you ignore an ugly person they get uglier with you because you’ve shut them out.

Fuck. I’m not going to smile and be nice - I can be cordial and that’s enough honestly.

I can definitely use some anger management counseling around this stuff because I don’t want to give up something because I can’t handle the shit.

My brother and I are talking again It’s a relief.

Well, I’d better skidaddle. My weight is not moving down and my pants are tight. It’s really not cool and it’s frustrating.

I need balance.

At least my Dyson vacuum filter is clean….