! trANNsformation BaBy !

Guess people are passin through and because I dig ‘em I’m beginning to take notice. Oh well, I suppose we all gotta go sometime but hell - this is not cool.

I’ve been really busy lately getting prequalified for a VA loan and my ex boss was kind enough to accompany me over to the East Bay today to see some houses. My loan amount is so low because I social work just doesn’t pay what it never did - so we saw some real run down joints today in some really raunchy areas. I was surprised she would get out of the car But she kicked the tires while I fell in love again and again with the idea of owning my own home. I had to think about my mother and whether I could wheel chair her into the joint, my brother who might need to live with me, my kids that I want to parent - it was a bit stressful. But the backyards got my attention like nobody’s business and I walked through the house to get to them. It’s amazing what draws you. When I was in grad school, I lived with a lady named Alice in Berkeley, it was a tiny 2 bedroom house but the backyard is where I sat many days into the evening amongst the green trees and wild plants. I was so sad when I started at CAL because of my boyfriend broke up with me - it was comforting to be able to sit in that wild unkempt yard on my plastic lawn thing and find peace. I gazed up to the blue sky, did homework, daydreamed about life, drank ice tea, cried, smiled, read some great poetry and some really bad poetry. It was healing - I’ve never lived in any places that had a back yard in my adult life and it made such an impact on me.

I saw a real beaut on a quiet street in Oakland. It was built in the 1900 and the appraisal report (she read it while I gazed at the back yard in sheer bliss) says everything will need to be redone from the foundation to the plumbing to the roof. It was a real bargain at 269,000. Smoky (she’s a chain smoker my ole boss) says, ‘Annie, if it were 75,000 to 100,000 less than yeah I could see maybe doing it - but NOT at that price!’ It actually hurt to leave that little two bedroom disaster because I swear I heard it whispering to me as I walked through it - promising me sunny days, smiles and uncontrollable giggles amongst the pitter patter of little feet . Like a siren to the jagged crags it beckoned me with all of it’s termite ridden, collapsed foundation, water damaged glory.

It became late afternoon and we ended up at her friend’s place in Berkeley. On a beautiful tree laden street she lives in a 4 plex that is unique in that all owners have their own loans. It looked quite ordinary from the street but then when she opened the front door I was enchanted. Edwardian detailing, dark wood with lots of molding, shiny dark hardwood floors and window sills that you sit in to see the incredible green lush back yard. It was a beautiful place. Just perfect for her. I could not stop telling her how beautiful it was…. we sat in the garden and admired the fruit trees, jasmine, freesia - it was heavenly. What was even sweeter was their relationship. There was another good friend of theirs visiting and the three of them got to chatting - soon they were laughing. They are all in their 60’s and it was just fabulous to see friendships that have weathered 40 years - with such love. It was so wonderful - the view, the condo, the laughter.

I haven’t told my brother or my mother about this new development. I want to tell them after I’ve found a great place. I don’t want to be negative and start to get down because I seem to find the beaten up stuff at my price range but I did feel a little low today. I know something will surface that will pass the appraisal (VA), have at least 2 bedrooms and a backyard in a decent area of town. I am hoping for Berkeley because the school districts are really great.

Who knows, maybe someday some lonely graduate student will walk by my window and look in longingly at my family sharing time together. It could happen - it will happen. No negativity.

Otherwise, no more older gentlemen (yep - I went out with a 58 year old and quite honestly no one needs to revisit that debacle - can you say gangly crypt keeper with horrible breath? Let’s spare us both a nightmare.

I’m still in shock right now - one my credit score was 702 - the other that I (ME) actually prequalified for a home loan. I can’t believe it. I walked through houses today and had the possibility of owning them. It was amazing. I’ve never owned a home before….the prospect of actually doing it is absolutely SHOCKING.

What’s even more difficult to understand is my hostility level at the ROWING practices. I had a real difficult time on Saturday and actually wanted to quit because of the nastiness of a team mate. The same lady as before only now the coach likes her and she’s made a comment about me ‘not wanting anyone’s help’. I was THIS close to walking up to her and giving her a piece of my mind but I didn’t want to be THAT angry person so I grit my teeth and then got a heads up from the coach that my form is shit. I’ve been trying so hard and I know you don’t learn this stuff overnight but to be told that 80% of my efforts are shit was really hard to hear. No matter how he tried to sugar coat it initially. I was irritated by his need to use strength based principles to tell me I sucked - I told him to just let me know what I was doing wrong so that I would learn faster. *believe me beating around the bush with platitudes really piss me off * I later wrote him an e-mail ‘thanking’ him for his taking the time out to help me do my best at this sport.

When I think about going to practice on Tuesday morning at 5am - I just cringe inside. I know I can’t let these women drive me off and just because someone tells you that you suck doesn’t mean you quit - but believe me when I say it’s been a challenge. I actually like this stuff and wish that I could handle my anger better and learn to ignore hateful people and their ignorant comments. Seems that when you ignore an ugly person they get uglier with you because you’ve shut them out.

Fuck. I’m not going to smile and be nice - I can be cordial and that’s enough honestly.

I can definitely use some anger management counseling around this stuff because I don’t want to give up something because I can’t handle the shit.

My brother and I are talking again It’s a relief.

Well, I’d better skidaddle. My weight is not moving down and my pants are tight. It’s really not cool and it’s frustrating.

I need balance.

At least my Dyson vacuum filter is clean….