! trANNsformation BaBy !

Oh oh.

Peabo is on again…. now I have to stop this shit. It’s down right unhealthy. I can’t seem to get enough of that goddamn ‘Can you Stop the Rain’. I decided to not turn on the idiot box for noise tonight and my mellow songs include this one. Damn, makes you wish someone was singing about your ass like that.

DDS text today askin me if I got his e-mail. Guess that ass was wondering where the response was - damn. Right before my cleaning too. I txt him back - let him know I couldn’t make it to his gig tonight and apologized for not responding sooner. He wrote me back to have a good trip and ‘drop me a line’ when i got back. Fuck. Breakin’ up is so hard to do and honestly - it’s been 3 dates! I am a fucking bleeding heart. Having been dumped at least a zillion times in my life - I always feel horrible about having to do it. It’s so sad. But I don’t want to do this not calling people back or texting them shit anymore. I’m too old now. I actually need to come up with a good lie. ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ - No that shit super sucks because ultimately - it was YOUR ass or else y’all would still be hangin’ - you know?

Life can be cruel.

I’ll do it when I get back. Don’t want to leave anyone hanging… I do like his company but at the same time - if you don’t ‘clear’ your space - you’ll never invite someone else into it.

Meanwhile, I can’t wait till my insurance kicks in so I can find a goddamn therapist. I want to talk about my emotionality, my fragile shit, my temper, etc. Don’t you just love it - for a solid 45 minutes - it’s all about YOU. You can bitch, whine, cry and some poor fucker has to sit there and act interested. Hmmm, of course I feel like the analogy of jacking off (releasing pent up shit/emotions/bodily fluids (crying), being completely SELF ABSORBED and then walking out comes to mind. You’re busy manipulating yourself to divulge, not divulge, fabricate, avoid, feed your illusions or delusions - you know a mental jerk off - sometimes you come - sometimes you don’t.

I’m not expecting a miracle. I want to find someone who actually can help me sort through this shit, reframe, tweak and kick start a better sense of control within myself. Most of the time, I feel like I’m driven by emotion. I let them take a good hold of me and jerk me around. The prospect of leaving my HMO to do it was even more exciting. I’ll start looking within the next few weeks.

Man. Up at 6:30 tomorrow for Colorado. That should be fun - the round trip in one day excursion.

Feel me, I want to feel the fire - yeah.
Feel me.

I want to feel YOU.

Damn Peabo - you’re killing me.

Went to dinner with Wildchild and her Hubby tonight. It was cool. I hadn’t seen either one of them in a while. Wildchild not since May! I tipped heavily. I always do unless I get treated like shit. I remember waiting tables and what that felt like. Our waiter was a real cool guy - too bad he was married

oooh - prince’s call my name is on…. LOVE THAT.

Man, wish I was in love….