! trANNsformation BaBy !

What a ROUGH day.

My first day of trying to eat right and move around a little.

Man today avoiding cocoa, chocolate, sugar anything was SUPER HARD. I had a bag of strawberries and used them to replace sugar cravings but it was still HELLA hard. I even walked to two coffee shops with a co-worker and got him a gelato. I drank some of a cafe au lait with splenda in it. It’s so hard to break habits. You also don’t realize how much you rely on that piece of chocolate, cake, cookie etc to get you through the day. I felt like a junkie with a sugar habit.

Lunch was ok, I ate 1/3 of the white rice and had some teriyaki (beef). It didn’t taste good so I wasn’t thrilled. I drank a protein shake for breakfast and ate a banana. A few tiny tangerines. I sipped green mate tea all day. It was so difficult. I had organic turkey italian sausage & 1/2 bag of frozen broccoli. I also had a 100 calorie bag of popcorn.

I forced myself to walk for 35 minutes when I got home tonight. Man, did I feel it. My feet ached, my thigh muscles - my poor knee and my lower back were all bugging me during that walk. I noticed that I was breathing heavy and it felt arduous. Yeah, I guess that I am also out of shape too - BIG surprise! I shudder to think of what I weigh…. SHUDDER!

But I made it through Day 1.

I figure I’ll cut out the sugar (fruits only & splenda-once a day) cut down on the carbs (bread/rice) and move for 30 minutes - every day. See how that works out for a while.

But FUCK was that hard today.

Gonna hit the sack early tonight - after all I’ve got to get my rest for another triumph tomorrow!

Gosh, I am SO full of shit.

This morning, my pants gave me so much shit that later on in the day the little hook thing actually gave way to that giant bulge that is my gut. It was ridiculous. Now I’ve felt this way before and it’s fucking depressing. So tonight was my last shit food fest. I didn’t binge or anything like that though so that’s not so terrible. Tomorrow I set upon a realistic healthy eating and moderate exercise plan in order to get these goddamn pants to fit without a muffin top. I trust I will be successful because the thought of getting back into my size 16/18’s is truly frightening and so depressing. I’ve got a few videos at home I can do if I don’t make it to the gym. So enough sugar for me for now. Fruit is ok, no manufactured shit though. One piece of chocolate per week is cool - no more fucking around. DAMN, it’s just not cool to not fit into my regular pants.

So hard thinking about how it has to happen and translating that into tangible action. But at this point - I have NO choice. I refuse to buy bigger pants.

Work was fine today - my hair however was not. Picture a 60’s short bouffant with a headband in it. I swear I felt like I should have been wearing a poodle skirt, bobby sox and pearls. I felt like a giant circle with a puff hairdo. NOT CUTE.

You know I smiled all the way home because of my dear friend Harriet. It was so sweet.

We skipped outta work early and hung out for a while. We went to the Fenton’s Ice Cream shop (she’s been thinking about this icecream for the past 8 months) tonight. I had a burger, she had a salad. We both had ice cream for dessert. I drank 1/2 of my milkshake (it sucked) and ate 3 bites of a giant scoop of mango icecream. Now Fenton’s is not a fraction as good as Mitchell’s! Not even CLOSE! I let her know that I’d treat her to it next time she’s in the city because when she craves Mitchell’s - there is NO WAY she’d be able to do an 8 month stint! That’s not even the fancy ice cream at Bi-Rite - which is pretty good as well.

Anyhoo, she talked about a male friend she has who is 54 years old - a retired single Sheriff. His oldest child is 22 years old and he was married for 10 years to a pediatrician. She was at Home Depot and bought a bunch of yard things for her house. He was loading up his truck and she asked him about her weed whacker. They struck up a conversation and he offered to help her with her yard. One of her mutual friends knows him so it was safe. So they’ve been good friends for a year now. He’s been with her on trips (strictly platonic all the way) and calls her multiple times a day. Most of her friends think he’s gay because he makes no sexual advances towards her. He’s spent the night at her house and sleeps on the couch. Now, I think it’s the sweetest thing. I hope it will blossom into a lifetime partnership. She is so deserving of someone so kind, considerate, strong and stable.

The thought of this warmed me to the core on that drive back to the city.

Please please please dear universe - make it happen!

Woken up this morning by Ms. Cats calling to tell me about the English nightmare. Good morning, I thought, as she launched into an hour of crying. Man. She’s getting it from all angles, work, family, financial, health - it’s amazing that she hasn’t broken down sooner. I guess she isn’t on call this weekend so she got a chance to process a bit. Luckily she has her DH to be there with her. She’s meeting with one of her friends that is in town from Alaska tomorrow. A basket case (I knew her briefly and didn’t care for her at all) but at least she’s looking forward to it. Poor thing. Hope things get better for her soon…. it’s amazing that she puts out so much good in the world despite being run down to the ground. You’ve got to wonder how long she’s going to hold up under this pressure.

My brother is doing ok, he’s sending out resumes.

I spent the entire day cleaning, taking breaks, cleaning, taking breaks, taking breaks, eating, taking breaks… Now it would have taken the average person an hour - but of course, it’s me so I managed to overeat and spend the whole day procrastinating. But you can see the floor now so progress has been made. I’m tired and it’s only 10:00pm.

Small triumphs ok?!

Quiet day. I thought a lot about my eating and lack of exercise. I thought about being alone. I thought about my wrinkles, my rolls, my unruly hair, my stomach ache from too much eating, how my pants don’t fit anymore, how it would be swell if I would just start moving my body and how something has got to give.

Thinking but no action I’m afraid.

Tomorrow I’m working at the hospital. I’m not thrilled. My laundry hamper is overflowing and quite frankly - I should be doing that instead of working.

Oh well.

Guess I should have thought about that sooner.

I drove over 300 miles today. I HATE driving.

I feel like night of the sitting dead here on my microfiber royal blue couch (covered of course with my Jack (nightmare before christmas) throw….

I did however manage to get myself out of working tomorrow at the hospital! I am so happy.

The thought of sleeping in tomorrow is absolutely DIVINE.

Let’s refrain from re-visiting unpleasantries this evening shall we? You know what I’m talking about….

A strange thing indeed today - my ex husband called me out of the blue this morning and what are the odds that he was on a job (truck driving) at the exact same place and time that I was picking up my teen?

One in a zillion, I think.

So we actually met up for a quick lunch. He looked good, poor thing is beginning to grey at the temples and crinkle at the eyes. I bought lunch and gave him a hundred bucks because I know he just started his new job three days ago - it’s a great while before pay day. He tried to refuse but I made him take it. We spent a few moments joking about the good ole days and did a bit of catch up. I haven’t seen him since last May. Afterwards, we went our separate ways. We are friends at the best of times and bitter enemies at the worst of times. But today, we were friends. I’ve always wished him well spat or not.

Weird though… It really was meant to be that we meet up today. For what reason, I don’t know….

Hell, I may never know. But it’s super strange.

Oh well.

Makes you wonder….

What’s next universe?