! trANNsformation BaBy !

I called in sick today to play hooky. I’m sick of seeing that overgrown toddler and I’m sick of paperwork - so FUCK IT!

Now the goal was to mail out my parents’ package, buy some water,come home to clean up the kitchen, walk and start packing for Alabama.

Let’s see, I got the package mailed out. I bought water and a host of other healthy items. I spent the entire day looking around at different stores (so maybe I did a mile?). It’s 6pm and do I honestly feel like cleanin the kitchen?

I did however see this white rayon shift (12.99) for Harriet at one of the discount stores so I called her and she wants to come out next Wednesday to look for a white dress (24W) she’ll wear to her sorority convention. You know last Sunday we stopped by TJ Maxx and she found a few items she liked but when we looked through the dresses, I suddenly felt like I was Shopaholic with my Anniegirl in tow. Shopaholic finds all kinds of cute things to wear and Anniegirl remarks on how cute they are but deep down inside is frustrated and depressed about how she could never hope to wear such cute clothes because of her size. I was so acutely aware of how horrible I’ve felt in the past that I quickly moved us to soaps and shoes.

I felt that way again today. I tried a few size 14’s and they didn’t fit - either my boobs couldn’t make it or they were way too tight. I felt like shit. I stood there and wondered how I could have put myself back into this situation when just last October I weighed 20 pounds less. That 20 pounds means fitting into smaller clothes that are often way cuter than those large clothes I’ve become so accustomed to…. Yeah. I was driving from store to store feeling depressed and cross at the same time.

So breakfast was a cup of black tea WITHOUT any of my beloved clover honey in it along with a protein shake and a banana. I was hungry on the road and had a bag of chicken strips I bought at the grocery store. That satisfied me until around 4pm and fortunately I was able to get home. So I had a few guiltless gourmet tortilla chips, egg beaters and some of yesterdays left over canned roast beef (1/4 cup). I bought those 60 calorie creme brulee sugar free jello pudding desserts. I ate 1/2 of one of em - yummers, saving the other half for later tonight. I have some veggies in the microwave. I’m feeling like I’ll eat veggies in my beloved tomato/red pepper soup that I loved last night and call it a goddamn day.

I do feel bitter about the weight gain. Shopaholic called today and said something that made me think when I started bitching about the diet. She said that she doesn’t like not eating what she wants either but she doesn’t want to end up like her Mother or her sister. Now I’ve forgotten that her Mother is very large for a Chinese lady because she’s got major health issues and is shot up with steroids. Her sister has a 4 year old boy and due to stress is chubby (size 10) for her size. It was a sobering thought. Now I feel like I understand her better and she’s right - her being skinny right now is something she does work for most of the time. Although she’s blessed with a small frame, she does work out quite a bit and tries to eat well. She’s very cognizant of when her clothes start getting tight and she does something about it. So in a way she understands the struggle - a little.

I feel lazy. What else is new? My feet are hurting me for some reason - they hurt all day. I was wearing my sneakers too and they still hurt. I tried not to look at myself in the mirror when I tried on a few dresses. It’s just better that way.

I guess today went fine - I’m hoping tomorrow will go better as I’ll wake up early and get that walk out of the way. I’m going to see Marcus Miller tomorrow night (jazz guitar) and will eat out - but I don’t intend on fucking things up. It’s only Day 3 but it’s better than not starting at all.

Here’s to all of us who are struggling with this battle of the bulge.
Here’s to doing shit we really don’t like to do.
Here’s to sacrificing today for a slimmer tomorrow.
Here’s to sliding our asses into smaller items of clothing.
Here’s to having many more good days than bad.
Here’s to having the support of other women in the same goddamn predicament.
Here’s to having a glass of that goddamn Tropicana Valencia Mango juice I saw in the grocery store today as soon as I lose 5 pounds.

Hugs to everyone!