! trANNsformation BaBy !

Man what a crazy day. I drove 4 hours for a visit with one of my kids. That little stinker ate a lion’s share at that Appleby’s and we had a swell time. Cute kid. Then I drove back to the office for a few hours of work.

I met up with WildChild and another co-worker * Latina for dinner. It was nice. I ate like hell today.

The co-worker broke up with her boyfriend at the end of last year and when she went to the doctor for a routine check up she was told that she needs to ‘get serious about your health.’ She’s 5′1 and now is 175 pounds. So she began to work out and eat right. She’s lost 15 pounds since November and is doing really well. She does Bikram Yoga twice a week, one kickboxing class per week and she’s eating much better. It was inspiring. So I told WC that we should go back to Bikram - it’d be fun if we do it with Latina. She agreed and it’s only 10.00 per month for the first month. So twice a week would be cool. I could also explore going back to the goddamn gym again.

Something’s got to give.

Besides the waistband on my pants….

I met up with Crazy today. We decided at the last minute to meet up for coffee. I was 20 minutes late getting dressed and wrestling with my hair which is clearly out of control. He looked like his picture and he was very serious. I felt playful and was comfortable enough as he reminded me that we have been speaking to each other over the phone for nearly a month. So we talked and then he wanted to go eat Vietnamese noodles. We went to a cheap dive restaurant that I knew of and ate noodles together. He’s alright looking but I swear it’s like listening to a Tony Robbins tape. He’s in sales and it’s so goddamn evident. Apparently he failed the bar like 5 times and decided to go into sales. He sounds like he’s doing very well, but he’s so full of ‘living in the moment’ and probably was not pleased that I had to remind him that I was repeating stories that we talked about on the phone. ‘It’s easier said than done, Crazy. A prime example is me repeating things we’ve already discussed. So you must agree with me that you’re still struggling with it.’ I said. He says, ‘Well Annie, I did not choose to be in the moment at that time.’ Ok, WTF? Anyways, he blew his nose at the table (he has a cold) and always wrinkles his brow whenever you’re speaking to him. It looks like he’s displeased with whatever you’re saying. I doubt we’ll ever speak to each other again. I think he takes himself way to seriously and those people who are so consumed by ‘living in the moment’ are actually the folks that are the most restless inside. They only think they’re more evolved than anyone else. It was an interesting experience, but it left me walking somberly to my car.

Will it ever happen for me? As I sat across from him looking into his eyes and feeling like I could like him but realizing that he’s a fucking nut job… I realize how hard it is to meet someone to love. How I long for someone sometimes, I want a family and everything that goes with it. It’s been elusive these past 4 years to find a boyfriend. My weight was a huge barrier and I am still 25 pounds away from my goal but I’ve managed to be ‘marketable’ again - to a limited population of course, but it’s better than what I had before at size 18. I am who I am - I can’t change my personality. My waist fluctuates up and down but I can say that it’s been last October since I managed to get down to 160 and I’ve only gained back 12 pounds. It’s a goddamn accomplishment.

In a lot of ways it makes me sad that I haven’t managed to find someone. It took me about 3 of those 4 years to get over my ex boyfriend completely. Now I’ve been dating for about a year and it never fails to disappoint me when I don’t meet someone I can truly dig.

Oh well. I guess it’s not going to be on ‘my time’ as they say but rather when the universe thinks I’m ready for it. Crazy said that ‘we’re where we need to be at this very moment in life, it’s the human condition that makes us want more and more’. I’m like, ‘Dude, if I ascribed to that very concept I would have never been driven to do more with my life. I’d still be behind a counter at a pharmacy counting pills and supporting my ex husband despite his atrocious behavior. It’s the wanting more in life that drives one to change one’s life.’ He shook his head and said I didn’t get it. No Dude, YOU obviously don’t get it. All that metaphysical shit talking did not save your marriage that lasted for ONE whole year 2 years ago (you were 40 by the way so being an embryo was no excuse) and you’re still out here hustling just like me to meet ’someone AMAZING.’ (He says this word a lot and talks about meeting someone AMAZING)

I have to be honest, I don’t expect an amazing life. Having grown up dirt poor, homeless at one point living in dad’s car, getting the shit beat out of me and fucked by everybody and my dad - I am content to have a life that has a few ‘AMAZING’ moments in it. Perhaps this is some horrible downtrodden victim mentality as construed by those who have never had struggles in their life other than deciding which luxury car would be better or whether wearing white past labor day would truly be a fashion faux paus; but this is my reality. I don’t live in a fantasy world - except to think that maybe someday I’ll meet someone who can cherish me until I’m scattered over the ocean and then cherish the thought of me. I’m a hustler and I will always be one. It’s what got me to this point and what’ll get me to the next goal in my life.

Tony Robbins is cool and everything but you have to realize that people who live literally by this script are some of the most damaged people in this world. I’ll take my mild mood swings, overdrawn checking account, gas from an overdose of fiber and my imperfect rarely ‘being in the moment’ ass over the need to be PERFECT any day of the week.

Dang, this must have really bothered me. Perhaps I’m feeling inadequate. As I was driving home, I thought to myself, ‘I bet he doesn’t care for me because I’m not your typical tiny Asian chick.’ Now honestly - who gives a fuck what he’s thinking. The guy is a bit whacked. It’d be like listening to a sales driven pitch on a daily basis. (I used to be in sales so all this, ‘live life to the fullest, get out there and do the impossible, it’s only hard if you think it is SHIT I learned when I used to sell vinyl siding over the telephone and that is your bottom feeding sales job - TELEMARKETING) Where is the reality in that?

I’m not saying live in shit - but I am saying that we’re all living an authentic life and we do the best we can on a daily basis. Not everyone needs fancy jargon and seminars to make it in this world.

Meanwhile, Y called me telling me he missed me and wondering when we would see each other again. I did ask him to go to a jazz thing this Thursday so I reminded him and he said that he wanted to go with me. Sex with him is terrific. Right now, sex with nearly anyone might be terrific. When I think of him, it’s sheer SEX. My heart is involved somewhat but it’s all about the ASS.

I guess I’ll keep hustling but I can’t help to wish that the UNIVERSE would throw me a goddamn bone.

So Y called me and wanted to come over. I told him that we needed a break from each other and he agreed. Poor thing went on to tell me later that he got into a fight with his baby mama and had to leave her house today. I told him that I had already surmised that he was still in love with her. I let him know it was evident from the very beginning. He paused and didn’t deny it as he had done in the past. He apologized for it. ‘Time’, he said, ‘only time is going to see this through. I need to move on with my life.’ He talked about how he wanted a life with her and his daughter. Apparently they have been on the outs for a year. She has a boyfriend who lives in New York and he continues to try to get back with her. ‘We were a family, but she just doesn’t want me anymore. I’m trying to move on but I guess I’m not succeeding.’ He acknowledged that he could potentially hurt someone because he is still in love with her. He said, ‘I guess I really shouldn’t even be trying to get into any relationships. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I should stop trying to date.’ He talked more about the issues and I could understand why she may have not been into it. It was complicated and yet simple at the same time. They’re both good people and they’ve been through a lot.

It was a good talk. He sounded frustrated at the end - but he came to the insights on his own. He said that he wished that one of the relationships with his children’s mother would have worked out. I guess he’s growing up and realizes the importance of family. He’s missing out on it and it’s painful for him. Then he begged off the phone sounding completely defeated. I guess it was a rough day for him, having his ex call him a loser (he also realizes that he hasn’t accomplished as much as he should have by this age - he called his Mother because she told him that his Mother was disappointed in his lack of accomplishments) and then your friends with benefits confirms that you need to get your shit straight.

He said he wanted to go to sleep.

It makes me sad when love is unrequited. He deserves to be happy and so does she - sometimes people realize how good someone is too late. Sometimes you can’t get it back but you can pick yourself off the floor, move forward with your life and be loved by someone extraordinary.

I believe that.

It’s hope and what would we do without it?

So there’s a storm heading in and fortunately I don’t have to be anywhere so my living room is a great refuge from the impending deluge.

Man, what can I say about yesterday? Parts were good (sex) other parts not so (feelings). Well I drove him to take a test for probation counselor today in another city an hour away. *What I won’t do for some ASS * He was supposed to set the alarm for 545 - I was awakened at 6:00am. A mad rush ensued in which I was the only frantic party. Who was taking this test again? He could really use this job - he needs to get on the county tit. He’s at a non profit and doesn’t make shit. Of course, he was ill prepared for the event. He didn’t even have the proper paperwork so it was a mad rush to find a Kinko’s nearby. But it went off without a problem - even bought him coffee & a muffin before dropping him off 10 minutes early. I felt like I was dealing with my ex husband or a teenage child and that wasn’t cool. So that’ll easily get rid of any possibility of true romance…. I’m not interested in being someone’s Mother. I’ve been there and done that for a grown ass man!

So I was able to visit with the Cats couple and went to breakfast with them. It was nice to spend time with them. Poor Lady Cats is going to get canned from that horrible job. She is not good with paperwork and the new deadlines will seal her doom. At first I listened as I always do and then made the mistake of trying to come up with solutions. Finally, she broke down and said that she had thought of all the things that I did but she felt hopeless. I backed off and told her that either way I think she and hubby will prevail. It’s sad to see your friend in a dire state and not be able to intervene except to sympathize. There is a lot she could be doing but due to her age 52 and her health - she’s not motivated. She said that she would ‘hang in there’ and hope to ‘weather the storm.’ I can appreciate that - but I am also a realist. I can’t be on the STREET. I have to prepare if I’m going to get fucked over. I have to start hustling a new gig, moving, etc…. That’s just me. It was so sweet, Sir Cats was doing a crossword puzzle at the Starbucks (after a hearty breakfast) and they shared that they do a crossword puzzle together every morning because they get up so early (6:00am). They feel that if they complete the puzzle in its entirety it’s an omen for a super good day and if not - it’ll still be good - just not as good. it was so incredibly sweet - they’ve been doin it for years and years. It really warmed my heart. In the adversity - they’ll still weather the storm together. I just wish something good would happen for them. They are such good people. We ended on a really soft note with me telling her that my reaction was due to feeling so helpless…

I’m washing sheets right now. That ass sweats himself at night. NOT COOL. I’m not a fan of any bodily fluids on my bed. So I came back and started washing everything. Need my bed back. That adolescent also bled on my pillows (probably a boy zit on the back of his neck) and that made me grimace. You know it’s a bitch to get nice linens at a decent price and now there’s a goddamn stain on it. I guess I’ll just replace it with another - but it sucks. I washed all the blankets too. Now how bad is this - I didn’t bust out my nice blankets (comforters) - instead I made do with a bunch of throws. I figured it’d be easier to clean and he wouldn’t sweat too much. I actually thought about buying a light blanket (microfiber) for the bed just for these occasions. I will probably do just that…. terrible. A fuck blanket.

I also called to get an STD test - but I’m gonna call back on Monday because it’s not till March 13! Too far away.

I gotta tell you - the sex was great because I didn’t feel so goddamn self conscious. As a large woman, I always think that men are looking at those porno bodies and making comparisons with mine. I know I could never meet up to those expectations. But this man makes me feel sexy and so desirable. I mean with my last boyfriend it was so hard because I was never thin enough for him and it just made everything so much worse. Now, I am freer to think about pleasure (my own) and not be worrying whether my gut is brushing against the sheets while I’m on my knees. Man, what a difference. Ideally, my new partner will have such an attraction to me and I can be just as free. Who knows - maybe I’ll actually have an orgasm?! I’ve never had one with a partner before….

Crazy called, he’s feeling better but not for today. He asked about tomorrow and I told him I didn’t have anything going on. I’m fine with it. We joked about being imaginary friends forever and how right now everything is perfect… Whatever. It’ll be no loss if this doesn’t work out.

I’m so happy to be home safe and warm. Food has not been great - I have to say. I don’t know where I’m at with this right now. I don’t feel like extreme dieting. I don’t feel like bingeing - so I’m in limbo with it right now. I think I’ll just try to eat decent and exercise until I can get it together.

I feel almost like period symptoms again today. Weird.

Well, time to go get the mattress cover. It also think it’s high time I ate something. I haven’t eaten since 8:30 and now it’s 3:30. I don’t feel raging hungry or anything. Just weird.

My mood is subdued (much like the lighting in my box) and I’m tired as hell.