! trANNsformation BaBy !

I feel like a recovering alcoholic locked in a goddamn bar that happens to look like my apartment.

I will tell you this…

It was horrible. I stood in front of the refrigerator debating whether or not to completely fuck this goddamn diet or to hang in there. Sometimes this question happened while sitting on my couch, while doing the dishes, while taking a shower, while getting dressed, you get the picture here….

It literally became physical at one point so I broke down and throughout the afternoon managed to eat 3 pieces of laughing cow wedges as well as 2 mango chicken sausages. Horrible. I really wanted to eat a bowl of cereal, coupla Activa yogurts and who knew a 100 calorie bag of popcorn could cause me such agony.

I nearly broke down completely, then realized that if I did this I would turn to binging to ease the pain, therefore causing more damage. It was so bad and felt so horrible.

Why can’t I manage doing something normal and healthy? This starving shit is just not pretty. A cup of cocoa, a SB cereal bar (140 calories), a MF soup is just not enough. I should have had an MF shake before I hit the cheese/sausage circuit.

Fuck. I don’t remember it being that bad last time. DAMN.

So Medifast today was more like Chicken Sausage & Cheese fest today.

The goddamn Hoodia DID NOT WORK.

I’m going to have a Medifast shake now before I leave to pick up Ghettro for dinner.

I let her know I was eating salad.

WTF?

Yesterday was good for me.
I started out the morning with a shake and popped a few Hoodia pills in an attempt to curb hunger. The chemical smell, the slushy ice…. ahhhh Medifast. I mixed my lunch soup the night before and popped it into my bag. Armed with a few south beach diet cereal bars and headed to work.It was productive at work and I fought cravings for sweets all day. Usually if I wanted a piece of chocolate or something, I just grabbed it. Now I had to fight the feelings off… needless to say I drank a ton of herbal tea.

Y and I are kaput. I killed it when he came to see me around lunch time. I thought, ‘How sweet, he’s surprising me by having lunch with me.’ Sure enough, he had no intentions of that - ‘I’m having lunch with my pals at work. I was in the area so I wanted to come by and say hi.’ He was very affectionate but I had to tell him that he hadn’t offered me anything and it was lunch time. He says,’ I’m sorry, I’m selfish! What can I say?’ I then told him that we needed to end this thing between us because I was getting emotionally involved and he wasn’t. He kept telling me he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else and that he could fall in love with me. He even offered to be my boyfriend, give me babies and move in with me. The first thing I thought was, ‘What so I could pay our bills!!??

‘Thanks, but NO THANKS. 

It was sad, I actually teared up and he said, ‘Ok Annie, if this is what you want. But I don’t want it to end.’ I asked him to not contact me in any way, shape or form. He agreed to this and we kissed a bit. He had me feel his hard-on. Told me what he wished he could do with me and we walked away from each other.

I was bummed for a little while, but I knew I did the right thing.

So I called up Wildchild and asked her to the jazz show. We had dinner (a salad with grilled chicken breast - did the ole dip fork in the balsamic dressing and then spear the veggies) and I appreciated every bite. Man. Food. It’s so doggone loaded.I teared up a little during some love songs during the jazz event, but recovered and today I feel a lot better.

A day of silence also did me some good from Shopaholic. I called her this morning with the excuse that I left my phone at home. She chattered on and on about work. She tried a number of times to call me yesterday. It’s good to be left alone for a day.

Tonight we’re going to an R&B singer’s concert over across the bay. It’ll be nice. It’s only 11:08am and I’m thinking about that dinner. Only one lean green meal a day so it’s gonna be a goddamn long day. As I’m sitting here on my couch, I drank a MF cocoa and am trying to sip herbal tea but the battle is raging inside me. Usually I can pop popcorn or eat something while I’m sitting here but I can’t right now and it’s grueling. I popped some Hoodia and would like to think that it’ll work! Man. It’s hard but it’s a necessity….

Steel Magnolia is on the tv. The baby food commercials in between are making me tear up….

But the fresh flowers I bought for myself are brightening up my space.

I made it through Day 1! I’m setting my goal at 13 pounds for now….

Starting weight: 173 Goal: 160 (for now, let’s keep it reasonable) 13 pounds.

Today I gathered up all the things I need for the Medifast excursion again. I dutifully went to the store and bought protein shakes, south beach diet cereal bars (140 calories), laughing cow light spreadable cheese wedges and salad. I also put 3 ice cube trays in the freezer. I have to say that I counted the soup packets I had left over and the shake packets. I was not thrilled. I dragged the blender out from the cabinet and even re-read the medifast bible. 5 leans and a green! I went back to the medifast chat board to find that one of the gals I saw last year has reached her goal from 246 pds (22 size) to 174 (size 10) in 8 months! Amazing huh? Damn. I looked at that picture and knew that I needed to get back on the bandwagon myself.

Grudgingly I am prepared for tomorrow. Man. The thought of having no fruit, milk or normal food for the next month is daunting but I’ve done it before and I know I can do it again. But it still sucks - hard.

I’ve got to go get tested in the morning (STD/HIV screen) just to make sure I’m doing alright. Y is on his way out - we’re supposed to hang out tomorrow night. I don’t even know if it’s going to happen. I don’t want to get into it either.

Bah.

I told WildChild about it today (we went to lunch) and wondered if that was the right thing to do since she can never keep her mouth shut. She called me again tonight to hang out with another co-worker and I had to tell her to keep my business private. I don’t know who the bigger idiot is - me or her?

Now I’m thinking that I’m going to give Shop a ‘time out’. She irritated me again today and it’s warranted at this point. You know nothing shitty, just a bit of quiet. Man, sometimes your friends can irritate the fuck out of you. Who knows, maybe I’m just sensitive but I need a break. So tomorrow I’m not answering her calls or going down to see her. Luckily I have a lot of work to do. I won’t see her again until Friday night where I can just meet her over at the concert. Ghettro is going with us so I’ll place her in the middle of us.

Damn. I can’t remember how cranky I was on the diet before….

I’m already tired.

It wasn’t a bad day.

I woke up this morning depressed.

I don’t feel like teasing out why I’m depressed - rather I just want to get over it.

My food was horrible - I actually fed the depression today and I haven’t done that in a while. Coincidentally I got on the scale this morning and weighed 176 pounds! WTF - 3 pounds due to my steak extravaganza yesterday. Wow.

Not cool.

Oh well.

Tomorrow will be better.

Sometimes you’re just down.