! trANNsformation BaBy !

Thanks everyone for your comments - I appreciate having such a fantastic support system.

Yesterday was sheer gluttony. Hmmmm.. 5 pounds by the end of the year - maybe I’ll gain 5 more pounds!!!! No, that absolutely can’t happen. Aargh!

Well today is another day. I’m off to Seattle with Married and we actually had a long talk yesterday while at another friend’s home for lunch. She had the opportunity to have an affair with a carpool person and prudently decided that she would stop talking to him as to not drive herself insane. She’s signed up for therapy and wants to get her head clear so she can move forward with planning for the separation from her husband. I commended her repeatedly for her prudent decision making in the height of ‘passion’. So it sounds like Seattle should be nice and quiet - a get away relatively void of bullshit.

Takin’ my passport so we can go to Canada! I’ve been to Victoria BC before and had tea in a beautiful hotel. It was a wonderful experience and I’d like to repeat it. This time, I won’t feel that steady hum of melancholy. I went there with the ex boyfriend. We’re gonna get to Vancouver for the day as well!

I intend to eat properly on this trip because I don’t want to sabotage myself which seems to be the theme of the week

Happy Turkey Day everyone!

I am grateful that I have y’all in my life!

Food today - mildly atrocious. Two latte cookies (large by the way). Otherwise, it was ok but not stellar.

So I got a text this morning from Stocky ‘I love you.’ Yikes! Completely freaked me out.
I responded casually. I had a conversation with him tonight and told him that it wasn’t love - rather lust and the two can be easily confused. He said that he is aware of what he’s feeling. I asked him to refrain from the ‘love’ word as it was difficult for me as I would like to reciprocate because he is such a sweet guy - but I was not ‘there’ at this time. He was initially hurt by it and then after more discussion stated that he understood my feelings about the subject. Then I switched the topic and we ended the call.

I’m not feeling that great about that discussion. I’m also wondering if perhaps it’s just me being freaked out because I’ve never had anyone treat me so nicely. I mean where are the smoke screens and guessing how someone feels about me? What? You LOVE me? WTF? Am I trying to sabotage this situation? Hmmmm. I am not used to someone so open with their feelings and knowing what they want - shit - let’s be real - how could someone be in love with me? Especially after such a short period of time where I have not been on my best behavior? I’ve been a shit to Stocks and he’s endured it. My last relationship, there wasn’t enough I could do for that asshole. I bent over backwards and sideways and upside down to try to get his love and it was NEVER enough. The jerk could not even plan holidays with me in advance because he never knew if he was going to stay with me long enough. He had major commitment issues. Maybe this is still fucking with me? Who knows.

Oh well. If he bails - he bails. But I guess I need to examine my feelings about not being able to be treated nicely.

Life - always complicated.

Shit - maybe it’s just me.

The weekend was nice. Stocky surprised me with Cirque de Soleil tickets. It was a sweet gesture…
He actually spent Friday and Saturday night here. I should be awarded the medal of whatever for keeping my pants on - honestly. It was so great - turn on - TURN OFF. Like the clapper - clap - get turned on - clap clap - cut it off. I think it was harder on him than me - but hey - those are the breaks honey. I am the one in control.

Shit - how great is that to be turned on by someone - but not STUPID over them! This is the happy medium that I’ve never had you know? Fucking fabulous. He’s gonna be great in the sack - I can tell. The man is all about me and SHIT - I’ve never had that either! So it’s a win - win situation - for the short term. I haven’t thought about the long term too much because I want to see if we can work out. He’s a very quiet man and I can be a bit of a chatterbox sometimes. He can’t spell worth shit and I wonder if he’ll stimulate me intellectually. He makes me laugh sometimes and that is sweet.

Oh well. I may go to a speed dating event at the end of this month in Silicon Valley to see what’s up. The only shit is that it’s 46.00 which is outrageous. So I may go if this other chick goes or if I feel so inspired. Wildchild said she’d drive me down there and hang out at the bar. But honestly, do I want her crazy ass there? Guess I’ll figure it out next week…. There’s part of me that feels a bit guilty - but honestly I just don’t want to make any rash decisions right now and I figure since we haven’t slept with each other, it’s still game.

Man, I have to say seeing all this pumpkin pie is making me crazy. I want it badly. Food was ok this weekend, not fabulous but alright. Tomorrow is work again, but it’ll be a short week.

Shopaholic is gone with her family and she’s having fun. Cats is doing alright - I called her today.

I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight - it’s hard when there’s someone else in your bed after all these years. He snores.

But luckily, I bought earplugs.

Yeah, I know - a regular fuckin’ girl scout.

Well, I did it. I stepped on the scale and it reflected what I was most afraid of - 167! Yikes. I went up at least 2 pounds from this mindless ‘I might be normal’ eating. So I freaked the fuck out.

Let me say that I woke up at 4:30am and couldn’t fall back asleep. I laid there until about 6:00am and then did nothing useful for another 45 minutes before calling Shopaholic. I wanted to give her some CD’s for her long trip down to Los Angeles/Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. She’s going with her family and it’s good for her because it’ll keep her busy. She told me that she thought about calling her ex and fortunately stopped before she could put that into action. I let her know that she should call me instead of him at all times! So after I left her house at 8:00am; I stopped off at the Walgreens to pick up some earplugs (foam thingies) in case me or Stocky snores too loudly. When I walked in, I immediately walked over to the candy section and looked for my chocolate marshmallow Santas. I stood in front of them and just stared. I talked to myself about them so far as sayin’ I don’t need this - I’m supposed to get clean now and leave this type of worthless shit. After a minute - I walked away. So that was cool.

Well, I guess I need to focus on the ‘challenge’ - I put it out for Ms. Melody and would like to invite anyone else who would like to join us! 5 pounds by December (you have till the end - because dammit - I need it! So if you’ve got the inklin’ - we’re twinklin’! Ok, that was pure shit - but hey - it’s me after all!

Oh well.

It’s 12:40pm! FUck, where did the time go?

I’d better get this place picked up and hop in the shower. I’m exhausted. What the hell’s up with the sleep?