Three of Chalices
Today’s tarot:
‘The Three of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in celebration. I am not alone. I embrace the pleasure of the moment and share the beauty and joy of a common bond within my sisterhood. I am empowered by inclusion and my gift is spontaneous rapture.’
Yep, how apropos for today.
Let me first state that I had an interview today for another department within the Agency. It would be a caseload of Developmentally Delayed children as well as children who are being placed out of state with relatives/adoption.
PROS:No more removing children
No more front line DRAMA with clients
No more cold call visits to homes to remove children
Possibility of travel to other states for work
Something totally different than what I’m doing now
CONS:
No more ‘field time’ - I’m probably gonna be chained to the cubicle for 10 hours a day
Drop in pay by $250.00
Lengthy court reports
New boss
More paperwork than in my current debacle
Longer commute to work (20 minutes)
Gotta be to work at 8:00am (right now it’s pretty flexible cause I stay later)
Still Child Welfare! ;( Well, until I get my license that is…. oh well. I don’t know what decision I’ll make. I felt that the panel was very interested in me (trust me - born bullshitter) and that was good? Choices. Choices.
Ok, ready for this?
Stocky spent the night last night.
IT happened last night.
IT happened again this morning.
It was good.
Shit, it was really good.
This was despite the fact that I was unprepared (no shower, hairy as a yeti and void of a fantastic hotel room that I have been envisioning for this event - I had a 12 pack of condoms so there was no being unprepared there) and not able to completely get into the moment due to my own neuroses. But damn was it worth the 4 years that I’ve been celibate (well you can’t count that virgin I slept with in June because that was just fucking ludicrous). Can you imagine how good it would have been had i not been preoccupied with setting and external issues? It was a spur of the moment lust action - I was like FUCK IT - let’s just do it.
Of course my period is getting ready to start and I’m feeling emotional.
I’m feeling needy. But what am I feeling needy about? Sex is loaded no matter how I frame it. But it might just be the hormones…
DRAMA - one of the ladies at work - CRISIS - asks me to contact COP so she can get a police report from out of county for her current MESS. I tell her to call the station and she bursts into tears - this is a CRISIS! *Crisis was at that infamous dinner with Wild Child, her husband, me & COP back in March * I deleted that goddamn number but somehow my evil imagination has saved it in my brain and I take a chance by texting. Within the hour, I get THE call. I felt like a geeky freshman getting a call from the handsome quarterback on the high school football team. That incredibly perfect boy that you’ve been fantasizing about since school started - you know the one - his name is scrawled over every possible blank space in your notebook. The one that makes your heart hurt every time you look at him.
I felt flushed and almost veered into the adjacent lane. I let him know immediately that I was calling for CRISIS and he said that he remembered her and would try to help her out. Wow, did he sound good. He started in talking about himself (as he always does). At one point, he said he would like to talk in person. I remained quiet. Then I jokingly said, ‘Where have you been COP?’ He started in again with the recent purchase of the home in Texas, the family member who brought his 3 young children into the home and how it’s wearing out his Mother, the change of his reserve unit, his desire to try to change jobs to the fire department…. I jokingly asked if he was going through the ‘life change’ - he laughed heartily - ‘No, I just want to make some changes in my life to live it to the fullest.’ So 30 minutes later (all about him), we ended the phone call with me thanking him for helping CRISIS and saying, ‘Take care’.
My heart was pounding after I hung up. I felt breathless.
WTF? I could have seen that piece of shit (that is if he didn’t stand me up). I’ve only had a crush on that piece of shit since March!
But he called me right back! He wanted to see me in person! He texted me after a major holiday - he was thinking of me goddamit! (He txt me while I was in seattle the day after Thanksgiving wishing me a happy holiday - he said he was in tx with his mother to renovate his mini ‘mantion’.) Maybe he wants a relationship now? Maybe I was stupid? Maybe he’s making these profound decisions and he realized that I’m a really good person?
Maybe, maybe maybe….
I did the right thing.
I did not take him up on his offer. I maintained my cool even though I wanted to tell him how crazy I’ve been about him. About who I thought he was and how disappointed I was when he let me down. How I hated cops because they always give me moving violations until I met him. How even today I drove slowly in hopes to catch a glimpse of him on the street. How I’ve been bleeding for his inconsistent bullshit ass on a weekly basis. How I could have loved him like no one’s business….
I did the right thing.
But FUCK was it painful.
I was strong tonight and amazingly mature. As a woman driven primarily by emotions when it comes to my love life - I can say that THIS was pretty monumental. Shopaholic and LA were both very proud. LA was stunned and proud.
Perhaps turning 40 somehow knocked a little bit more sense in my head. No, I don’t think I’ll stop yearning for COP anytime soon, but I do recognize that there’s more to life than getting fucked over by a fine ass man. Shit, why it took till now to get this (well y’all, he’d better never call me again - because that was the equivalent to lifting a bus to save a newborn) is fucked up but still - I am glad it happened.
So that was today.
Me, illuminated by the glow of my laptop, sitting on this couch cradled in a clean diaper anxiously anticipating my monthly rite of passage, feeling uneasy because of the cramping, filled with a myriad of emotions from sadness to anger, belly full of forbidden foods having succumbed to cravings in the name of an impending flow…
I sit here bloated, yet quietly humble.
MY power today lies in celebration of my newfound ability to practice reason within the affairs of my fragile heart. I embrace the clarity of this moment and share the beauty and joy of a common bond within my sisterhood. I am empowered by my inclusion here with all of you on this magnificent blog site where we share our joys, sorrows and dreams. MY gift today is self-respect.
right the fuck on.
Wow! You are an awesome lady and doing very good. Sometimes life is so complicated! But you are doing great.
With the pros and cons, I quite liked the new job description. Will keep reading to check which one you are going to choose.
love and hugs,
iniya
Yes your tarot is interesting given your circumstances.
Your new job does seem quite different from the old, sometimes a change is good, but an old boss once said to me ‘the hell you know is better than the hell you don’t know’ and I’ve always thought of that with each job change.
GOOD FOR YOU GIRL FOR GETTING SOME!!!! I’m grinning that “got some” look for you (with a bit of jealousy since my DH has been working late all week….)
Oh I’m so glad ole’ Stock didn’t turn out to be a dud! Life is grand! COP? Who? Just coincidentally, my ex called me yesterday - not a cop, a school principal, but just as narcissistic as any cop - called on some trumped-up excuse about wanting to know how DS is doing. ??? Like he couldn’t call him himself? Then he wanted to be friendly…and I cut him off at the pass. (Just like you, Anngirl. It takes some of us longer to figure things out than others, but eventally, most of us DO manage to *get it*). Suffice it to say that I KNOW he’s not getting on well with the second wife (well, would YOU get along with someone who was a chronic cheater? Can’t really blame her) because he’s told my DD’s about how sorry he is for some of the *choices* he made in life, how she can’t “hold a candle” to me, blah, blah, blah. Tough luck, buddy. And COP? Same deal. Oh, they can be so charming when they want something, and such a**holes after they get it! Oh, you SO did the right thing, honey! (Me too…YAY for us!)Really take a look at the DSM Narcississtic Personality Disorder diagnosis sometime when you haven’t got anything else to do. Scary - and very definitely a perfect description of MY ex…and I’ll bet you my next (very precious) paycheck that it decribes COP to a “T”, too.
I am SO glad that Stocky did okay for himself. I can only imagine the grin on HIS face today! I’m, smiling, just thinking about it. I don’t know what to say about the potential new job - good because there’ll be less drama (and we all can only handle but SO much drama in our lives, and then it really starts stressing us out big-time) but also less flexibility and less money. BUT, if you’re going to get licensed as a therapist before too long, it may be the ideal stopgap - giving you a little respite from the craziness and a little time to focus on what you have to do for you. ?????? In the end, you need to decide what works best for you, and I can only say that I’m sure that whichever you choose, that’ll work because you’ll make it work.
Love,
E!
COP sounds like a total asshole! Why do we have such a tendancy to like the ‘bad’ boys - who sometimes aren’t even nice to US! Forget about him - I’m so glad it worked out with Stocky. You can’t plan everything, sometimes you just gotta enjoy things as they come.
WTG for keeping strong!
Stocky??? Stocky!!! I KNEW it; the minute I give up on hoping there’s something there you go sleep with him AND have a good time to boot!!!! Good for you and kudos too on staying strong with cop. We DO learn, and it ain’t easy!!!
Totally ditto on E. about the job and change in and of itself is scary. Could you have a “dry run” at the new job with an option to go back to the old one if for some reason you change your mind?
Damn, you’re good!
I had a smile on my face when I read about Stocky & you…
Everybody else here said the things I was thinking, so more dittos!
BIG HUGS,
RubyJean
WTF?!?! I just tried to post a comment, and it was “rejected” becaue it contained the word f*ck!?!? When did they start that bull sh*t?
What I said was something like…
It is about time you got properly laid!! Yay Stocky! I think I like Stocky. And he knows how to F*ck! LOL! I think you like Stocky too. I know you have reservations about his pay, but Annie there are more important things than money…like love, respect, the way he treats you, the way he makes you feel, etc. Nobody likes to be poor. I’m poor and I hate it. But being poor and in love and happy…well I could live with that! LOL! Make sure you take the whole package into consideration…I guess that is all I am trying to say. WTG on turning down the cop! You deserve so much better than him! It doesn’t matter how good he looks, he’s a creep, and you know that deep inside. One day you will be glad you passed him by!!
I have a feeling things are going to start going your way! Sending you lots of love, prayers, and good vibes!!! Oh yeah and (((HUGS)))
U ok? Havent seen u posting in a few days?