! trANNsformation BaBy !

I got an e-mail today letting me know that my good friend, Long Beach lost her baby last week. It was so sad. I read and re-read that e-mail. I didn’t have time to cry over it because I was so busy, but I decided to put it aside until I could call her tonight. Finally on the way home at 9pm, I left her a message. It was so sad. You know she’s my sunshine girl who has been through so much this last year with her boyfriend (7 years) who wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay with her when he got a teaching job at UC Irvine. He finally decided that he wanted her for the long term - but not after putting her through the worst period of her life. It was so sad to see her - a positive girl - so incredibly depressed. I spent quite a bit of time with her. Now this… When she told me she was pregnant, I fell out and started crying. For a few days, the world looked different - full of hope and promise.

Now, I just hope that she (& her boyfriend) will recover and I can be of support to her.

Meanwhile, at work - one of my co-worker’s brother (cerebral palsy) died last week. He was on artificial support but he was home with 24 hour care. We talked about how she’s coping now that she’s come back to work. I wish the best for her as well.

I guess that’s life.

As I drove home tonight, I opened the window and let the cold air pierce my nostrils. I looked up at the dark sky and saw a glimmer of the stars. I thought about how Long Beach is younger than me and how your risk gets higher as you get older. I wondered if the adage, ‘It wasn’t meant to be’ could dare to be uttered to someone in mourning and be helpful - yet somehow today on that drive home, it managed to be of some comfort to me.

So tonight, my eyes sting from the deluge that sits behind them threatening to blur the screen…

yet work stress courses through my veins

pounds in my temples

But,

the world goes on.

blur

The weekend was fabulous

Napa was beautiful - the trees donned in brilliant haute couture: gold and ruby. So magnificent. So sunny - man I didn’t know that it could be so beautiful. We ate at Ad Hoc - it was alright (beef short ribs on top of carrots/prune - don’t remember the fancy name for it) goat cheese (ugh), quail on a bed of chickpeas & spinach (ummm. ugh) and rice pudding (ummmm. heavy - very heavy). I washed some of it down with a CRUSH grape soda (not very high class) but hell - they didn’t have that fancy grape juice! We went to the outlets and I found two bra (s) with that smooth strap that smooth down those back fat rolls. Guess how much? 10.00 a piece! WTF? They’re not even the irregulars that I buy for 9.99! Now the colors are weird - you know I only have black bra or flesh colored ones - now I guess I have sky blue and rose? Hmmm - need to find matching drawers in case I wear them outside of my apartment. I can do that at my cheapie places for like 1.50

We stopped at Dean & Deluca - had this incredible cheese (39.00 a pound) - the guy was nice enough to cut us a taster for 5.00 , some fantastic grape juice and a carbonated pineapple drink. We stopped at Bouchon’s bakery - the chocolate cupcake filled with real whip cream and topped with pumpkin ganache was to die for when I had a 1/4 of it the next morning. It was great. We had dim sum on Saturday morning, chinese food when we got back on Sunday… a wonderful shrimp wonton soup and turnip cakes Fantastic. The girls were so fun - they teased me mercilessly and it was a good time I hugged them and kissed them many times. My friends drive me crazy sometimes, but damn - I love them.

The sun shining, the beautiful setting, the good company… damn.

Life was good this weekend.

I got anxious about work a few times - but did some deep breathing and that mantra that I try to do to calm myself down - ‘A crisis is only one if you perceive it to be one. It’s gonna be ok. It’s gonna be fine.’ Shit - if I had a thumb I would have sucked it - self soothing myself is tough work. I think it was easier when I was 6 months old…..

So LA stayed until 2:30 today when I dropped her off at the airport. I had her go through my mail (tons of it) and pick out all the bills & helped me with laundry. It was so nice talkin shit and having her sittin on my couch while I folded & put away shit. We were both exhausted but hell…. it was nice to be together. I even managed to pay bills online too. DAMN. You know if it was just me - I would have came home and crashed. She was so good - she actually came up with us going to REI to get my stuff for the trip. So as soon as I woke up - I called work and somehow - things fell into place. A meeting was scheduled for 4pm today, my plan for a family was right on target (shit - when you’re stressed, you begin to question your judgement) by a worker that I admire and call if I need help. It was amazing. I thought - damn - life is good to me. So we headed over across the bay and went to Bettie’s diner. It’s always so crowded that I’ve never been and guess what - on a cool, sunny Monday morning at 10:30am - there was no wait for the seat! We had an amazing sourdough pancakes, eggs scrambled with arugula & prosciutto, taters fried with onions & wheat toast. Fantastic. It was as if there were no worries in the world - it lasted a good 20 minutes. It was wonderful. Then off to REI for supplies - I’m so fuckin broke it’s not funny.

So I came home from work by 7pm tonight and talked on the phone with Stocky for an hour and a half. He wants to meet up this week before I go… I told him that probably Friday would be good. I have to be at the airport at 5am! Gosh. Oh well - how crazy is that? Anyway Stocky suggested a place to go for Friday and I looked it up. It’s some kind of champagne lounge with appetizers. Ok. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know about this joint - but man did it bum me out when I found out. WTF? I mean it’s a place you go to when you’re turning 22 not 40! Is he serious? What about a nice quiet dinner somewhere? I’m not impressed. After hanging up and thinking about how he didn’t even offer to take me to the airport (I mean the man asked to be my boyfriend last week) - not to mention this joint he wants to take me to - to celebrate my birthday!

Yeah. A bummer. I’m thinking that maybe this isn’t the one for me. I know that I shouldn’t have any grand expectations. I know this - but when you’re not feeling someone that much anyway… Oh well. Back to the drawing board huh? When I get back - that is….Saving Grace is on - that Holly Hunter is so hot. She’s got an incredible body and she’s talented. Oh my gosh - I just googled her and she’s 49 years old! WOW. Amazing.

Goodness - it’s gonna be a rough week. A very rough week. I probably shouldn’t have come home so early tonight but honestly - I haven’t slept well in two days. I felt like I needed to get a good night’s sleep and hit it hard early in the morning. It’s now 11:50pm and I guess for me - the later I go to bed - the less I get up at night. Now I guess I’ll be working late every night. I already have a home visit scheduled for 9pm on Wednesday evening…. (believe me I’m not thrilled about it for a number of reasons - the hour - the horrid location) but I need to do it.

Honestly, I have so many things to be grateful for in my life and sometimes I seem to dwell in the negative aspects of it.

I need sleep - maybe it will help.

I ate a half can of tuna in water for dinner because I don’t want to deal with excess pounds before my trip. I feel kinda hungry now but mainly thirsty….

I am grateful.

I will not be stressed out.

Gosh - wonder how much I weigh now…. won’t do it till Thursday morning….

I will make it through this week.
I will make it through this week.
I will make it through this week.

I feel like crying  - work is so stressful - so many cases to close or transfer - clients still to see and I’m on such a time restriction.  I may just do that when I wash my face to go to bed.  

Release this anxiety….

I can do it.
I can do it.
I can do it…..

When the job bites
When my life dings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

Wow, another grueling day at work - I have to go into work tomorrow - my day off. Not good at all. BAD BAD BAD. I am not happy.

Ok, food. I actually went to Whole Foods this morning and picked up some scrambled eggs, two bacon strips, 1 sausage piece, a tablespoon of tunafish, guacamole and salsa. I didn’t eat it all - half of the eggs - but I did eat all of the meat products. Not cool. I thought, ‘This is how a NORMAL person can have breakfast if she wants to’ as I scooped the stuff into a container. But at the same time, I thought about how dangerous food can be and not being on my diet means I could gain weight. I bought it anyway and decided to just eat half. I drank a whole pint of organic orange/tangerine juice. A big no no on the diet - can you believe the audacity? At lunch, I had a few bites of the regular lean green and felt very unsatisfied. Then I asked for a sliver of cheesecake and enjoyed it. WTF? Gosh, I’m worried about weighing in tomorrow….

The date

He was waiting for me with a single red rose in his hand! Can you believe that? Wow, so sweet! He held my hand immediately and told me how good I looked (I looked like hell today, trust me). We watched Darjeeling Limited while holding hands. It was nice - at a few times during the movie I felt that I coulda kissed him because he was so sweet. Afterwards we walked to a Korean restaurant (he didn’t plan dinner) and got chicken (ugh) & kimchi soup. During dinner, he tells me that he has to tell me that he’s really into me and he asks me if I would be his girlfriend. I was shocked but very flattered. He also tells me that he wants to have a family and he’s ready to settle down. He really likes me and feels that I’m the person he’s looking for. I didn’t know what to say. Wow, no one has ever said that to me - EVER! Can you imagine? I told him that I liked him too and would like to spend more time with him. I told him that I need to take it slow and he told me that he didn’t want to scare me off - but he knows what he wants and he wanted to tell me how he feels. It was wild. The man told me that I was sexy, smart, kind and ‘the most real person I’ve ever met’. OK. DAMN. He said he’ll take it as slow as I want and he can’t wait to see me again. We hugged goodbye and I kissed him on his cheek. Shit, I don’t know what to think. LA says that when a man is ready, he’ll know right away when he meets someone. I know we’ve been talking all week - but by goodness - we had one date last Friday! Damn, I guess he’s more ready than I am! He’s a good guy. We talked more about money (I really need to know how much this man makes a year) - he invests agressively, he has a savings account, he has 5000 dollars of credit card debt and his credit score is in the 700’s. I didn’t ask him how much he makes a year, but we’re not too far off… I will definitely find out prior to becoming intimate. Wow, I never knew how much my last boyfriend made - somehow - like I’ve said before - we would rather share bodily fluids than talk about money. Somehow money is more intimate than sex? WTF? I pretty much told him that I need to know what I’m getting myself into and that at this age - I’m looking for a husband and father to my kids. I’ve got no time for smoke screens. We laughed a lot and enjoyed each other’s company. I’m a little attracted to him - I feel good about him. He’s a good guy. A bit intense but I can get to know him better. Wow, me sexy? Can you believe it? Don’t worry - I’m not gonna get snowed by some compliments. I’m gonna take the time to get to know him. But I am stunned - it’s also a little weird for me too.

Ok, I’d better go to bed. Meanwhile, I got another e-card from Salesman. I didn’t open it - I’ll look at it tomorrow. What could it be? He sent me an electronic birthday card - wishing me well and I thanked him for it via e-mail. He gave me a few compliments (amazing) and said that I wasn’t far from his thoughts. I thought that was really classy of him. Remember those flowers he gave me? That guy was very sweet too - he just didn’t make any money.

I wish work didn’t suck so bad. I can’t get excited about this weekend with the girls because work is freaking me out…..

Wow it’s fuckin’ late. 11:40pm. Man. That’s just not cute. What’s worse is that the incredibly STRETCHED Kathy Griffith appeared on my TV screen and she’s dating STEVE WOZNIAK (Apple Founder)! WTF? I mean kudos to her ass for nabbing that billionare and she’s no 28 year old chickie - but c’mon Kathy Griffith? Maybe I’m the only one who finds her obnoxious….

Damn, my boots have not come today. But I was definitely up to my hips in HORSE SHIT today at work! What the hell? Man will it ever end? I won’t even lament about it here because I hate that fucking job right now…. Needless to say I’ll be glad when tomorrow is over. I’ve got a date with Stocky - we’re gonna go see Darjeeling Limited - I love Wes Anderson movies. I wonder where we’ll go to dinner…at least I know the area so I can lead us somewhere if he doesn’t have anything in mind. Let’s hope he does though…I like a guy that plans ahead.  Damn, I don’t want to think about that awkward good night kiss. Damn, I hope I can do it….

I have a confession. I saw the COP today and he was lookin mighty good. MIGHTY GOOD. Wildchild and I had dinner tonight. She was driving me crazy about the COP and at one point - I actually thought I might call his ass for a booty call. Yep, there’s something in me that wants that from some fine ass dude - but hell - it’s nothin but heartache and who knows what STDs… But damn, it is so tempting…… but wrong wrong wrong for so many reasons. Remember that saying that if you think of it more than like a few days - then you should just buy it? Does that apply to fuckin? If you think of some asshole guy that totally stood your dumb ass up for a date and texted 3 days later about a ‘do over’ - do you still think about fucking him 7 months later? No that’s just fucking STUPID. What the fuck am I thinking?

I ate the rest of the cottage cheese this morning - weird how I came home tonight and wanted it again…. yeah. Not cool. And you best believe I will want it again tomorrow morning…

Ok I feel an INTERVENTION comin’ on…. I need to give that shit up. Absolutely.

Gonna put COP in the same category as High Fructose Corn Syrup…. A TOXIN.

What genius….

God I’m such a simple organism…..

Shit did someone say ORGASM?:)