! trANNsformation BaBy !

WTF? You were supposed to be gone - hiking in Peru! WTF?

yep, so when you started having pains in your gullet on Thursday night and between runnin to the toilet and catching zzz’s on the bathroom floor (well that little strip outside of the bathroom - my joint is way way too small to even sit crosslegged on my bathroom floor) because you’re afraid to lay in your bed in case you’re too late jumping to the toilet….

so then you got up off the floor after an unrestful night of trying to cat nap on the floor - you went in to your miserable job to finish up. You were so sick that you left at 1:00pm without finishing everything. You said -FUCK IT. left your boss a message and knew that you should have never come in the first place. You sat on the toilet until 4pm when you suddenly realize that there was no way in hell that you were going to be able to get on that plane at 5:00am. No way you could hike when you wanted to die. The thought of being alone, passing out in Peru amongst strangers and being on the trail when you need to be at your best finally got you to call the travel agent to hear that you needed a doctor’s note to provide to the insurance agency in order to recoup at least some of your money. You then called Kaiser (while sitting on the toilet) and managed to dig out one of your mother’s old depends diapers and drove to the urgent care clinic at 5:30pm when all you wanted to do is sleep on the bathroom floor again.

Then the doctor told you that she could give you cipro and you could be on that plane. You sat there incredulous, eyes puffy from crying your ass off because of your shit job that drove you to illness, because you may lose 2 grand that you charged on your credit card, because Long Beach finally wrote that she’s still got hope for the future but writes her baby daily, because you weren’t getting laid for your birthday, because you’ve got diapers on and frankly that’s fucking depressing, because the insurance company are a bunch of assholes, because your job is SHIT……

Finally she writes that note and you humiliate yourself by having to go the lab and provide that stool sample. Your watery discharge sitting in small vials in your lap as you wait for your number to be called - still crying because you didn’t spoil your diaper but your trip is spoiled and your body is pissed off at you.

This finally came to an end last night. It feels like I’ve been doing sit ups non stop for 3 days. I stood on the scale this morning and guess what - I weighed 160. Yep. Finally October’s goal that’s not even real because it’s all water…. oh well. I’m grateful that I spent last night in my bed.

i woke up early and cleaned up the house. I had to cancel Stocky’s date on Friday - so I called him this morning to come over and he drove over by noon. I couldn’t recognize my house - it’s so friggin clean.

But don’t you dare open the closests.

The date was ok. He bought me Deadwood 3rd season - but didn’t wrap it (it was in the bag he bought it in) - He knew the deal and of course I said it too. He giggled - but he knew that he needs to ‘tighten up his game.’ We hung out at my house for a while, went to eat Ramen (he bought me a tiny cheesecake for my birthday), went for a 5 mile walk around the lake (felt extremely long today) and then we watched an episode of Deadwood. We laid on the couch together, me behind him with my arm draped over him. He’s a gentleman - no funky business. But I couldn’t kiss him and that made even me feel bad. He wants to go see a movie & dinner on Halloween. It was nice being close to someone again - but honestly….

Let’s hope I’m finding him more attractive on Wednesday. Maybe the dark will help….

So guess what. I’m going to a nice joint for my birthday on Tuesday. I’m leaving tomorrow to Mendocino and this joint is a 4 diamond joint but I’m getting it for hecka cheap. A billion times cheaper than what I put on my card for Peru. So I thought it would be nice - shit - if I wait for some dude to take me there…. I’ll take myself. So I’m thrilled about it. It’s gonna rain tomorrow. I’m gonna take my camera and my lap top too…. My movies. I wanted to hike but it’s gonna rain non stop tomorrow - so I guess I might hit their gym if they have one? Or fuck it maybe not.

Their breakfasts are supposed to be really good. There’s a fridge in the room so I can buy a sandwich for dinner No spending tons of dough…. it’ll be nice. No, it’s not Peru - but it’s not my tiny studio either. The drive will do me good….

I’ll weigh myself tomorrow since I’ve ate normal today. Grapes, a bit of ramen noodle at the ramen shop, a tiny wedge (5 inch cheesecake) of cheesecake, more grapes (black seedless - yum). I also had a 1/2 container of greek fig yogurt too….not cool I know.

So with this I head for my bed which is immaculately made (my bed? see what penis in my house can do?) - I wonder if how much I’ll weigh tomorrow…..

I wonder whether I might of fell off the face of the earth on my peru trip and that’s why this happened? I don’t know….

I want to think it was for a good cause…. one door closes - one door opens…

or maybe…
just maybe.

Shit happens.