! trANNsformation BaBy !

Ok. Yep. Done. NOW I’m 40. I’ve only been sweating this birthday for the past year and 10 months now!

Shit.

Wasn’t bad at all!

This is livin large. Honestly.

I was the only single person at Breakfast this mornin’. I was totally fine with it. Damn girl, you can do for yourself if you don’t have someone to do for you! Woman are doin’ it for themselves!

Breakfast was really good - I got the Crustless Quiche (asparagus (my favorite),
black forest ham & white cheddar) - it was in a small ramekin baking dish
(therefore - no crust it came with a tiny baked scone (hella good) and a
tiny espresso cup full of diced fruit. Now here’s the catch - they offer you
EITHER coffee or juice.

You ain’t gettin’ both OK?! I read that on the menu and found it mildly amusing. MILDLY.

Tummy still not actin’ right so I had a few bites. Now this is the cool part -
so I tell dude downstairs that I was wondering when the new room would be done
as I’m not feelin’ so hot… he says, ‘Let’s go check - it might be open now!’
Guess what? It was almost all done! So he gave me the keys and offered to move
my things to the new room (that’s the 4 diamond thing - I think). I moved my
stuff into the new room and went out to Mendocino village. It’s overcast today,
but fortunately no rain. I walked around their little shopping area.

Ok. I was invisible today to these merchants. I am not kidding. I would walk
in and no one would say hello or anything. After about 4 shops - I wondered if
I should just start takin’ shit because I’m invisible right? Then when one
merchant greeted some OTHER (I’m forgoing race here in some feeble attempt to hope that I was being ignored because of my bright red sweatshirt… I had make up on, my hair up, hoop earrings, jeans and clogs. I DID NOT look homeless, nor was I some stray evil teenager) older folks heartily - I knew it was fucked up. I
looked at her and she totally knew where my head was at. She says, ‘Well if you
have any questions, feel free to ask.’ I just looked at her again and shook my
head while walking out. WTF? That really sent my blood pressure up. You know,
it almost discouraged me from walking into another joint. But then I thought -
fuck em.

They’re not gonna keep me out… shit. Can you imagine if I was an African American? WTH?

I’ll stop there. I will. It’s my birthday.

Lookin’ at what these rich folks are buyin’ is cool. I saw some incredible artisan
wood furniture. Amazing. In one joint, I actually opened a drawer and looked
in because it was so beautiful. Sheer pleasure, I’m telling you. Sippin hot
chocolate while gazing at the beautiful ocean, seeing creative artwork, lookin’
at rich folks…. sippin’ hot chocolate. Knowin that you get to ‘go home’ to an
awesome room….

I actually smiled to myself quite a bit today. I was happy. No, not MACCHU PICCHU happy. But at times euphoric for being able to spend the day like this - surrounded by beauty and not dwelling on people’s ignorance.

I guess everything happens for a reason. I feel completely relaxed right now.

Ain’t no sandpaper skids in this tub - maybe bath tonight? I’m watching disc 1 of 2nd season ROME *HBO (Netflix) and it’s actually pretty cool. I’m getting into it - so maybe I won’t be bubbling up…. but I got the little bottles so I can do it at home

Does the day get any better? I spoke to both of my best friends, feasted my eyes on
both human and celestial creativity, sipped HOT CHOCOLATE, and came back to awesome warm room with a
bed bigger than life itself?!!!!

Oh yeah: Stocky sent this today via e-mail: Song for you:

Hi Baby,

I was writing and this was my thoughts of you.

Laying next to you felt so safe and warm.
Warm from the beating of your heart against me.
I want to wake up every morning with you in my arms.

Thank you for letting me in your world and sharing yourself with me.
Thank you for trusting me to share your home, your joy, your pain.
Thank you for making me laugh like a kid again.

I write a song for you so you know how I feel.
I sing this song for you cause my heart is real
I don’t want to rush you, but I do want to love you.
Not just physical love, but emotional love, unconditional love,
friendship love that never ends.

Very sweet. Weird. I’ve never had anyone communicate this way. He’s a nice guy.

Anyhoo, so it was quiet out there, not many tourists. I stopped at the Mendocino hotel
and had a little bit of lunch. Clam chowder was good and the spinach salad -
yummmmm. Bought a sandwich for dinner, as Rendevous restaurant is closed
tonight! It’s Zagat rated 1 for Mendocino but they’re only open W-Sunday
Oh well -

I ate the meat and part of the bread tonight. It was good. The reception desk gave me those balloons you see and two tiny squares of chocolate. I thought that was nice of them….

So that’s it. I am pretty doggone happy laying in that giant bed (awesome - tempur-pedic is the shit) with those fluffy pillows eating my cold grapes and lookin’ forward to havin a few bites of the cheesecake slice I bought. Shit - after all it is my birthday.

I am so fortunate to have the money, car, health and mental capacity to do this today. I am grateful.

I’m lookin’ forward to breakfast tomorrow

DAMN life is so good right now.

I raise my blueberry soda to makin’ it these 40 years and to MAKIN’ it through another 40!

Thank you for your birthday wishes - it truly makes me feel special that I’ve got friends out there in this big blue marble
G’nite one and all xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox

Ok, I’m here.

It took 3 hours to drive up, the coast was foggy but nice. I drove past the joint and decided to go another 8 miles to get to the Safeway in town for budget eats

I had the deli dude make me a wrap on whole grain tortilla thingie w/ roast beef, pepperocini, tomatoes & spicy mustard. I bought a box of 100 calorie baked cheetos crunchies and a POM light tea - pomegranate hibiscus green tea (35 cals - but it has HFCS - oh well.) So the other food I had today: a slice of that cheesecake stocky got me - honestly that needs to be thrown out. That starbucks tall hot chocolate (2 pumps), a package of madelines (from Starbucks - I used to love those so much), black seedless grapes & two graham crackers. I could of done without the madelines (honestly, one was enough), the hot chocolate (I figured birthday?!!) and the goddamn cheesecake (WTF?). OH well.

I headed back to the joint and got there around 5:15. Nice setting, nestled in the woods.

So the front desk was not impressive - but that’s what the room is for right? The dude offered to bring in my bags (guess this must be the 4 diamond thing) and gave me a tour of my room. He spent a long time on the Italian coffee maker but neglected to tell me what time breakfast was in the morning. (That irritated me later after I looked through their room guide) He showed me the private jacuzzi (1/2 intervals - make reservation at one of the tiny reception desks). I felt a bit weird when I had to ask if I got the discounted rate for these two nights. But damn, I’m not one of these rich folks that have an endless bank account! He told me yes and gave me the price - which was alright but I forgot about that tax! Oh well. It’s still cool.

This made me realize that I forgot an important item. My swimsuit.

Then in horror, I realized I forgot something more important than that enormous stretch of ugly black lycra & nylon….

SHIT. MY TOY!
FUCK!
Can’t even get laid by MYSELF on this trip. GODDAMN IT!!!!!!!!
(I’m still annoyed….)

So I proceed to notice that while there are these not so luxury robes - NO SLIPPERS in the closet?! I lit my little candles, put KEM on their CD player, stripped off those jeans and took photos of the joint.

Hmmm.

The bathroom is not impressive. The bath accessories are ok - Hermes Eau l’orange… fancy. I’ll definitely be jackin’ a few of those.

That tub is definitely not for soaking. It’s long but narrow as hell (like mine) and it has those skid things on the bottom? Ugly as hell. Not inviting. I paid how much for this room and the tub is shit? I want to soak. I guess the thought is that you jacuzzi your ass with your mate, then shower when you get back. What about those of us who like to soak to the sounds of KEM? I guess one could definitely fuck in that shower. It’s long enough - no cramped up positions…

Yeah, your girl could turn it out once upon a time ago….

Oh well.

Now she forgets to bring the only thing that turns HER out anymore….

The bed is nice - tempur-pedic (the real thing - not the generic I’ve got at home) thread count is cool on the sheets (though I’ve seen those sheets at Ross). You can pick a pillow (I didn’t do it today) but they’ll bring it to you. I think I’m ok with the 5 they have on the bed. Thanks. I’m not THAT high maintenance.

The big screen TV is nice. The fireplace is cool. They give you a complimentary bottle of Merlot (little) - will save that for Wildchild.

it’s a nice room. The ocean view is through a tiny side window that isn’t apparent unless you stand by the main window (pretty view of trees) and look right into a tiny window. This is called Ocean Pullman Suite - now I imagine many a rich folk has gotten pissed about that misnomer….

Not me though. I’m just wondering where the slippers could be - yet too ‘country’ to ask - I’ll do that tomorrow…. I put my black grapes in the fridge, smuggled in my Safeway bag tucked away in my carryall. I didn’t want to seem like the ghetto girl that I really am…. I managed to smuggle in my water too That tiny VOSS bottle they have in here costs 4.00. WTF? I asked for some hot water and they brought me a tea pot. I immediately poured my hot chocolate from Starbucks into that sink (later I read that it was an italian hand cut bowl- I went back and cleaned off the ring. Yes. I was gonna do that in the morning - but what if it STAINED?) and poured hot water into my Nissan Stainless.

Here I sit with sipping my chamomile tea in front of the roaring fire, votives lit (soy fragrance candles), KEM serenading my ears with smooth jazz in my underwear….

I caught sight of myself in the full length mirror posted on the back of the suite door - quite by accident. (It should be outlawed- it’s just plain rude) There I stood, shirt on, hair disheveled and pale white cellulite ridden large thighs screaming out obscenities….

I shook them out, watching the cellulite move from side to side. Then I lifted the shirt to look at the belly which sat round and lumpy like a sack of russet potatoes. I lifted the shirt higher to a place that was much more friendlier. My bra, which actually looks nice. That eased the pain a bit. Then as I yanked the shirt back down, I said to myself, ‘Hell hon - you lost 35 pounds and look a lot better than how you used to look - so chill out!’

With that, I hopped into the bathroom.

Nope, not perfect.
Fuck.
Not even firm.

But you know what? It’s me.
Goddamn it, I worked hard for THIS version of my lumpy, flabby, cellulite ridden, pale self.
So fuck perfection. Fuck it.

When I get back, I’ll start working on the other 20 pounds left to go…. but not on any extreme diet. I’d like to try something healthy….

What did you think I’d be mature enough to say, Anngirl -Beauty is in what you do, not what envelops your bones. No, I am not wise. I am old enough to realize that if I become obsessed with this that it will surely lead to my ruin, but vain enough to realize that a little realistic fine tuning wouldn’t make matters worse. I wish I was wise. I wish I was void of any superficial yearnings of youth and beauty….

Oh well.

So I called the travel insurance folks and she said she would e-mail me the forms to submit for reimbursement (2 days it will take to e-mail them?!). I wonder how much I’ll get back? Shit. Oh well. At least I’ll try for it…

I’m gonna work at the hospital this Sunday. I don’t want to but I’ll do it one last time. I think I’ll tender my resignation. That place sucks too.

Shit, why am I thinking about this trivial shit. I’m supposed to be having fun. Not thinking about how much money I may have lost (credit card charge - honestly I don’t have 2 grand) or working my part time job.
Hmmm.
Where is my period?

I’m in a 4 diamond resort remember?

Yes.

OK, you are temporarily a rich single chick chilling out by yourself in a nice joint because YOU CAN.

shit. Can’t believe this room goes for 245.00 during the weekend!? WTF? With that TUB?

Wow, last log on the fire.
It’s 8:30pm.

dude told me where to go to get more… but honestly…. I want to hit the hay early so I don’t feel rushed tomorrow morning. Gotta be outta this room by 11:00am. Hopefully I can check into the next room way before 3pm.

I’m gonna go to Mendocino tomorrow and browse around. Hopefully it won’t be too rainy… I need to look up cool places to eat lunch… I’m not sure I want to go out for dinner. I probably want to stay in and sit in front of the fire Bore you all with my shit.

Thank goodness I brought KEM.
What a joy to my ears.

Excited about jumpin into that big ole King size bed yeah, even if it’s without a man or my other friend

life is good.

WTF? You were supposed to be gone - hiking in Peru! WTF?

yep, so when you started having pains in your gullet on Thursday night and between runnin to the toilet and catching zzz’s on the bathroom floor (well that little strip outside of the bathroom - my joint is way way too small to even sit crosslegged on my bathroom floor) because you’re afraid to lay in your bed in case you’re too late jumping to the toilet….

so then you got up off the floor after an unrestful night of trying to cat nap on the floor - you went in to your miserable job to finish up. You were so sick that you left at 1:00pm without finishing everything. You said -FUCK IT. left your boss a message and knew that you should have never come in the first place. You sat on the toilet until 4pm when you suddenly realize that there was no way in hell that you were going to be able to get on that plane at 5:00am. No way you could hike when you wanted to die. The thought of being alone, passing out in Peru amongst strangers and being on the trail when you need to be at your best finally got you to call the travel agent to hear that you needed a doctor’s note to provide to the insurance agency in order to recoup at least some of your money. You then called Kaiser (while sitting on the toilet) and managed to dig out one of your mother’s old depends diapers and drove to the urgent care clinic at 5:30pm when all you wanted to do is sleep on the bathroom floor again.

Then the doctor told you that she could give you cipro and you could be on that plane. You sat there incredulous, eyes puffy from crying your ass off because of your shit job that drove you to illness, because you may lose 2 grand that you charged on your credit card, because Long Beach finally wrote that she’s still got hope for the future but writes her baby daily, because you weren’t getting laid for your birthday, because you’ve got diapers on and frankly that’s fucking depressing, because the insurance company are a bunch of assholes, because your job is SHIT……

Finally she writes that note and you humiliate yourself by having to go the lab and provide that stool sample. Your watery discharge sitting in small vials in your lap as you wait for your number to be called - still crying because you didn’t spoil your diaper but your trip is spoiled and your body is pissed off at you.

This finally came to an end last night. It feels like I’ve been doing sit ups non stop for 3 days. I stood on the scale this morning and guess what - I weighed 160. Yep. Finally October’s goal that’s not even real because it’s all water…. oh well. I’m grateful that I spent last night in my bed.

i woke up early and cleaned up the house. I had to cancel Stocky’s date on Friday - so I called him this morning to come over and he drove over by noon. I couldn’t recognize my house - it’s so friggin clean.

But don’t you dare open the closests.

The date was ok. He bought me Deadwood 3rd season - but didn’t wrap it (it was in the bag he bought it in) - He knew the deal and of course I said it too. He giggled - but he knew that he needs to ‘tighten up his game.’ We hung out at my house for a while, went to eat Ramen (he bought me a tiny cheesecake for my birthday), went for a 5 mile walk around the lake (felt extremely long today) and then we watched an episode of Deadwood. We laid on the couch together, me behind him with my arm draped over him. He’s a gentleman - no funky business. But I couldn’t kiss him and that made even me feel bad. He wants to go see a movie & dinner on Halloween. It was nice being close to someone again - but honestly….

Let’s hope I’m finding him more attractive on Wednesday. Maybe the dark will help….

So guess what. I’m going to a nice joint for my birthday on Tuesday. I’m leaving tomorrow to Mendocino and this joint is a 4 diamond joint but I’m getting it for hecka cheap. A billion times cheaper than what I put on my card for Peru. So I thought it would be nice - shit - if I wait for some dude to take me there…. I’ll take myself. So I’m thrilled about it. It’s gonna rain tomorrow. I’m gonna take my camera and my lap top too…. My movies. I wanted to hike but it’s gonna rain non stop tomorrow - so I guess I might hit their gym if they have one? Or fuck it maybe not.

Their breakfasts are supposed to be really good. There’s a fridge in the room so I can buy a sandwich for dinner No spending tons of dough…. it’ll be nice. No, it’s not Peru - but it’s not my tiny studio either. The drive will do me good….

I’ll weigh myself tomorrow since I’ve ate normal today. Grapes, a bit of ramen noodle at the ramen shop, a tiny wedge (5 inch cheesecake) of cheesecake, more grapes (black seedless - yum). I also had a 1/2 container of greek fig yogurt too….not cool I know.

So with this I head for my bed which is immaculately made (my bed? see what penis in my house can do?) - I wonder if how much I’ll weigh tomorrow…..

I wonder whether I might of fell off the face of the earth on my peru trip and that’s why this happened? I don’t know….

I want to think it was for a good cause…. one door closes - one door opens…

or maybe…
just maybe.

Shit happens.

Life goes on.  Even though I feel guilty about leaving last night’s sadness and emerging this morning bleary, exhausted, puffy eyes and aching heart, yet full of anxiety for the day ahead.

Life races on anyway.  Sometimes with us kicking and screaming. 

Time stops for no one.

Move it or lose it.

Excuse my foray into my trivial existence….

I type from my cubicle tonight.  It’s 10:00pm and I just got back from a home visit.  Let’s just say that I need to shower when I get home again.   Gee, I just love this job. 

I don’t know what to say except that things are still as nerve wracking as they’ve been for the last week.  I thought about sleeping here… that’s how bad it is.  I leave on Saturday morning at 4:15am to the airport via shuttle and honestly - I don’t think I’ll be sleeping at all the next few days.  Let’s just hope I have time to fuckin pack.

I’ve been hittin the ’sauce’ again.  You know, that clear, thick viscous shit that sends your tongue into seizure and your ass into massive proportions…. curds in HFCS.   Yep, I found a tub in the fridge here at work that I bought a few days ago and neglected to throw out.  Yeah.  Life sucks - have some HFCS.  That’ll cure all your ills.  No need to call anyone though - I will not be purchasing any more of that crap.  As I’m sure I will be acutely reminded of my poor judgement as I haul my fat ass up rocky hills next week. 

In the meantime due to my dietary chaos, things are not moving as well as they need to be…. ‘nuf said. 

Today’s crap food:  Naked Juice Probiotic Smoothie (let’s not forget that promoting a healthy digestive & immune system requires not eating bullshit - but hell - maybe it overtook the egg salad?) coffee (three sips of a suga free carmel latte - mind you not due to any concerns about my diet - rather I got so busy it became 5pm still sittin on my desk and honestly I don’t want to miss my trip because of food poisoning), egg salad with Kettle Baked aged cheddar potato chips (1/2 bag - 2oz), two persimmons and a few organic grapes.  Yep, not cool but shit - I’m in survival mode right now and I’m damn glad that it’s not a whole cheesecake.

Stocky sent me a text this morning ‘Good morning lovely lady’ and tonight.  ‘Sleep good my friend’.  Yep, maybe it’s that mercury shit (Ella) that’s contributing to me being mildly irritated by it…

So tomorrow in the midst of this chaos, I’m going to eat a quick dinner at the oyster joint (happy hour $1 per oyster) and then drive back to this hole to work.  I’ll need a break by then. 

I jumped on the scale this morning and I’ve only gained 2 pounds 164.  Not cool, I know, but hell considering the bullshit I’ve been eating - not bad.  I am assuming that when I get back - I’ll be at least 5 pounds down.  Let’s hope.

I better get outta here - I’m gonna go straight to bed tonight after the shower.  I need to haul ass in here hella early. 

Life. 

I guess we would be fucked if we weren’t resilient.  One minute we can be so overcome with raw emotion and yet we manage to carry on while managing the pain.  Sometimes we think we’ll never stop hurting and then one day… it moves from searing to smoldering and then to a white scar that forever marks our heart.  It aches sometimes and sometimes it aches all the time.

I feel guilty for being able to put this aside…

I hope that baby knows that he/she was loved - even from afar.  That her/his arrival was much anticipated and celebrated.  His/Her’s neurotic, full of shit, insane Auntie imagined what joy that she/he would experience in the loving care of Long Beach (oh yeah, and boyfriend).  If I got to choose a mother, it would be Long Beach.  No offense to my Mother, whom I love dearly. 

I hope he/she comes back soon and the world reverberates with his/her cry of joy at birth. 

I hope Long Beach (& boyfriend) will be able to endure this loss and try again.

Life.