! trANNsformation BaBy !

Thanks for the comments of support whenever I feel like shit. It’s like gettin a hug when the world is bearing down on your pathetic whining ass. Thanks so much…

What can one say about today? I drove from 9:30am-3:00pm non stop - hit up about 5 different schools and 2 residences. Then came back and had 3 meetings with clients. Two in the office and one at the home. I wanted to scream I was so tense and overwhelmed. The morning started with a 2 hour Emergency call and I’m not even supposed to be on call because I’m going to Asia this Sunday night. (More about this in a minute) But I take it because there is no one else to do it. It was an insane day and I finally called it quits at 8:15pm. Tomorrow is not looking much better…

So I get a call from Investor last night and we talked for about an hour. He’s back from out of town and he’s flying to Pittsburgh for business from Weds-Friday. He wants to get together for dinner on Friday night. I was glad and told him that it looked like I was going to Asia but not sure what day. He was kind enough to look up visa requirements and found out that I need a visa for Cambodia. Man, this shook me to the core considering the travel agent that the lady was supposed to go through should have known this sooner. But I’m glad we’re getting together on Friday - I thought the ole boy lost steam but it seems he was super busy trying to get a newly built family vacation home finished. Hope it works out…. wouldn’t it be nice? I want to get to the happily ever after DAMMIT.

Meanwhile, I called up one of the girls who is organizing this trip and tell her about the VISA. Today, I got it online and it worked out fine but when was she going to tell me that our flight is on Sunday night at midnight? WTF? Well, I guess I’m going… it should be fun. I just won’t know what we’re doing at any given time because she’s not sharing the itinerary? I don’t get it… I really don’t - but I do trust everyone on the trip - they’re all really good gals. 3 RN’s and a social worker! 1 bleeder and 3 menders I’m gonna ask her again for the itinerary tomorrow - it’s be nice to share with my brother and friends in case the plane goes down. Remember that flight that went down in Thailand? I’m goin’ to Hong Kong, Bangkok and Siem Riep (Cambodia). Siem Riep will reveal beautiful Angkor Wat temples which I’ve wanted to see since I was a girl…. How fantastic is that? Shit, I need to buy another camera battery this week. $1868 for this doozy of a trip. Thank goodness for credit cards…. I’m gonna apply for a DIscover More card tomorrow. Looks like a good deal with 0%APR until 9/2008!

Today when I got home there was 1 bill overdue from the apartment fees joint, cable bill for 10.00 still owed and a goddamn bill for 20.00 for a credit card that I haven’t used in a year? It had no balance - so I paid it and am calling tomorrow morning. WTF? Gonna cancel that old ass card - the APR is 132% how crazy is that - is that even LEGAL? Man, I need to get my finances in order - I really suck at it. Even with automatic bill payment - it’s still hard sometimes.

Food. Shit, you don’t want to know the contraband that have passed these lips in the last few days. Italian food last night - bites of it but I had 4 pieces of baguette in a 12 year old balsamic vinegar with garlic in it. It was downright heavenly… man that was awesome. Then I had more than a few bites of lava cake and banana rum gelato (about 3 to be exact) and about 3 bites of ricotta cheesecake (not fantastic - but wanted to eat 3 whole bites). I also had a lemon drop cocktail (who am I kidding, I drank like 1/4 of it and Wildchild drank the rest). Dinner was tense at first, her son was stuffing his mouth full of bread and eating it theatrically. I stared at him, he was chewing with his mouth open it was downright disgusting. He played with his gameboy the whole time and he also told his mom, ‘We’ve been here for 3 hours, I want to go home now!’. I called him out on his table manners (his mother became defensive), I called him out on playing game at the table (her husband refrained from playing on his Iphone until halfway through dinner), I called him out for telling his mother he was ready to go. He cowtowed after a few minutes and his mother didn’t say anything. I will tell you this right now - my kid will not be acting like this in public. The training starts early in the Miller home - me and my brother were like crazy disciplined when we were kids and I’m not going to do that but one thing is for sure - that shit ain’t gonna happen on my watch. Wild child says, ‘well we just let him be a kid’ - I said, ‘Nothin wrong with that hon - but he’s 10 now and he needs to get with it.’ Honestly, spare me the family dinners. But fortunately, Husband paid the bill! Whoooo Hooooo… I told her I’d take her out some other time. She was fine with it. He didn’t even buy her a gift for her birthday - I was truly amazed. What a jerk. I know for some it’s a small thing - but guess what - acknowledge the day someone was born. No parade is necessary but man - you can at least hit her up with flowers or a cheap card. SOMETHIN! Dude is really a dud when it comes to shit like that…. I guess there’s always a give and take thing… I’m just glad I didn’t settle for him. I still find him to be somewhat repulsive. Nice guy, but just too fucking selfish for me. I’ve had my quota of selfish men.

So I spoke to ma today and she asked for Investor’s name so she can pray on it. Ma is handicapped and a hard core religious person. She is confined to the house because she has no friends to take her anywhere or relatives that will do it so she spends most of her time praying. It’s very sad and my father just perpetuates this lifestyle because he refuses to come back to the states despite her worsening condition, the lack of good healthcare and her ardent desire to be near her kids. He’s a real piece of work my father. Anyway, she’s feeling good about Investor and she’s gonna pray for me by name. My Mother will make you crazy, but the lady is definitely in the prayer hall of fame. I’m not tellin her I’m goin to Asia, she’ll freak out and drive me nuts about wasting money when I should be buying a house. Totally legitimate nagging, but honestly at 40 - I opt to skip it. I do however, tell my brother and he’s good about keeping secrets - since goodness knows how many he’s kept from all of us.

Well, that’s all that’s totally not fit to print - but I almost was going to go to bed without boring the world with my petty bullshit. I feel beat. I need to pick up my camera from Shopaholic tomorrow morning at another office before my 10:30 home visit which apparently was called in due to a major roach, garbage and unsanitary living conditions report by the housing authority. So that should be fun. Mother was surprisingly willing to set up a visit, I kinda softened it and came at it from the ‘we’re here to help you’ angle - so hopefully she won’t cancel out and force me into getting a goddamn warrant. Her poor boys… I hope it’s a manageable situation tomorrow. I’ve had some of the most atrocious dirty houses imaginable this year and quite frankly - I’m sick of it. At least this situation appears to be void of the incredible amount of hostility that I had to deal with last time. The last one of these was truly a nightmare…

I really need to get out of this field - child abuse and neglect is the shit job that honestly, I hate more often than not. I try not to soil these pages with this but I guess today, it oozed onto the keyboard. No wonder I feel anxiety some times…

Oh shit - before I go, I nearly forgot. Salesman is now kaput. But damn, it was rather sudden and abrupt. He texted me about why I haven’t been texting him (this sounds already like a story a 12 year old would tell - but fuck it - y’all know how I am) and I text back - I’ve been busy - how is your back? He says, it’s alright, can I see you before your trip? I text back: Salesman, we need to talk. Less than 2 seconds after I push the send button - I get a phone call. My new co-worker (a 25 year old gal) was like DAMN - he called back real quick?! He asks what we need to talk about and I tell him that we need to talk about our situation. I then tell him that he shouldn’t be mad at me because I did warn him ahead of time that it may happen. He abruptly says, ‘Fine. You have a good trip. Bye.’ and hangs up. DAMN. I was stunned. I was all ready for the ‘it’s me not you, I suck, you deserve better’ speech and he cut that shit short. Good for him. I felt really bad about it, but damn - I did tell him that it was casual dating with no expectations. He knew about my reservations…. I still feel bad about it, but he’ll be free to meet someone really cool that accepts him for who he is and that’s what we all want. But next time, I’m gonna cut it off way earlier. Forget my horny bullshit. DAMN - thank goodness that didn’t go even to a french kiss. But he now has the paperwork for the next woman…. (ok, that wasn’t cool either -but I’m being serious)

I’m hungry. I had a some soy chips, 1/2 pound of tri tip sliced from a deli, 1/2 pint of organic cherry tomatoes, one suga free energy drink, 1/2 container of 2% milk (man that was really delicious) and a few bites of luna bar. I’m gonna eat 2 98$ fat free hotdogs before bed. I shudder to think what I weigh right now…. I’m not going to think of it. I also had 2 squares of dark chocolate with hazelnut. Yep. Not cool at all.

I know.

I know.

I know.

So I didn’t make it to the hike this morning - which isn’t really surprising. I was woken up at 3:30 by someone trying to get into my apartment. Luckily the guy kept trying to open the door and (thank goodness) I had it locked. He was clearly drunk and he tried mine as well as the person across the hall from me. It was nerve wracking. A locked door does not make you feel safe at all, unfortunately. Finally the guy across the hall opened his door and the two exchanged some words. The guy was gone. Finally I fell back asleep. So when I did wake up, I was cranky and hungry. I think I’m still havin’ the blues or somethin…

I had some chicken & broccoli for breakfast. I’ve had a few cups of tea. It’s now 3:37 and Wildchild says she’s inviting the whole family to dinner tonight. That totally bums me out because her kid (I love kids) - is the most annoying kid ever. It’s what happens when you never wanted to be a Mom and you let your Mother raise him. He jumps into adult conversations, he says, “I’m bored, when are we leaving?” over and over again, she feeds him like he’s an infant, she reminds him to say hello to me every time. Totally frustrating! Even LA doesn’t like him - or her husband either. He’s 10 but acts like he’s 6. He and her husband will play on their prospective toys during dinner and that’s just so uncool. Her husband will play on his I phone and her kid plays his hand held video game thing. It’s so embarrassing. I wish I wasn’t going now. It’s her birthday so I offered to take her to dinner. When she called me she said she was inviting her cousin and son to come along - her husband was bad enough ok?! She then quickly said - you don’t have to pay. I told her I’d pay my share but honestly - shit. I wish I wasn’t going - but it is her birthday. Man. It just sucks. It’s almost 4:00 now and I have to drive downtown for this crap. Perfect way to end a pretty shit mood weekend.

Meanwhile, I decided to be productive and cleaned the bathroom today. The living room needs a cleaning too - but at this point I’m too crapped out to care.

What’s up with the FOUL mood? It’s so uncool. Next week is a real bitch at work and I still don’t know anything about this fucking asian trip. WTF? What is she gonna hand me a ticket at the airport? Why so fucked up? I’ll call her tomorrow.

I’m hungry and want to quit my diet right now. I just want out - it’s weird because I weighed 3 pounds less on Friday morning and yesterday I managed to gain the 3 pounds back? Weird weird weird. That’s what you get for weighing daily. Not cool. I intend to eat dinner tonight - it’s an Italian restaurant. No pasta or anything like that however. Can you imagine? 50 pound weight gain for one meal - it’s as unreasonable as the 3 pounds from one day and I wasn’t even eating big amounts of anything.

LA called and she went out with Real Estate last night and back out again tonight with Musician. I hope somethin works out for her. I feel frustrated and I’m not even in her situation! Maybe I just need a break from the diet tonight… I don’t even know anymore…. I don’t feel like binging or anything but I must say I’m feeling rather burnt out and frustrated.

Cats called this morning and I swear if its not bad news then it’s NO NEWS at all. I listened to her about her sleep apnea, work troubles, nasty co-workers, refinancing the house, desire to quit the job etc…. Man. I felt exhausted after that phone call. Sometimes, you just don’ t have the energy to deal with these calls.

Gotta or else I think I’ll go insane.

Time for some more tea. I hope this blows over. I really do. I don’t like feeling irate, frustrated and sick of it. It’s not me… Maybe I’m PMS’ing early?

What can I say about last night. Let’s try to find the right adjective - hmmmm….. DISMAL. Yes, that about sums it up. I enjoyed dancing closely with an 43 year old annebriated cutie with a hard, tight body- it was fun but pointless. I saw too many familiar faces and decided that this was my last foray into this venue. HKPB was there and not getting any play from the ladies. It was funny because he kept looking over at me and I did not make eye contact with him once. I’m glad I felt good about the way I looked and actually that 43 year old loser was the cutest boy in the room. So hurrah for feeling chemistry and getting turned on by a complete stranger. We left at midnight and went to IHOP to eat breakfast. I ate a good steak omelette with a 1/2 triangle of wheat toast. We talked about past loves and current situations. It was good and then I came home, wiped off the war paint and went to bed.

Woke up this morning with a belly ache and chased it with an egg white omelette with 2 98% fat free hotdogs and some guacamole. Now my belly ache has worsened. I’d kill for some greek yogurt. I had some figs already and Paul Newman’s Soy chips which are undoubtedly the best I’ve ever tasted….

I’ve got the blues and at 1:50 pm want to just crawl back under the covers and start this day over again? I’m glad to be goin on a good hike tomorrow to get my mind off of things and back on the right track. I’m too lazy to go anywhere to get anything to eat - I’d want to eat a greek yogurt (fat free) today with some blueberries. That would be ideal. I’m also questioning my diet right now too. I’ve been laying in bed reading You On A Diet…

I miss fruit. I miss yogurt. I miss real oatmeal. I hate being overweight. I hate being on a super restrictive diet. I hate looking at my body and noticing my big belly despite the 30 pound weight loss. I hate that I can’t appreciate my success so far and just get angry that I’m not MORE successful. I’m not in a good place today. I don’t want to reduce it to not having a fruitful night last night because honestly, I had fun. I guess I’m also bummed that I’m not getting anywhere in the relationship process even though I’ve just only started. I’m not being very reasonable right now and my hands are sticky with broken web shards….

I think a nap sounds good right now.

Here’s to a better day tomorrow.
There’s always tomorrow….

What a fantastic hike - it was sheer torture at one point - but man it was so worth it. I found myself smiling so many times and giggling at a few points when I saw the big hills! I thanked the universe so many times for the health to make this hike, the car to get me there, the job to pay for the gas, car etc etc. I saw a doe and tons of elk super up close! One time we both were startled - the buck & me! It was so beautiful on the way back because the fog had cleared up and the ocean was magnificent! It was incredible. It took me 3 1/2 hours from start to finish on this 9.5 mile hike and I took a few short breaks along the way to take in the view and catch my breath! Wow. What a sense of accomplishment. It was great because I went for at least 2 hours without seeing anyone! The bad thing is that I didn’t bring my hat thinking it was gonna stay foggy! So I think I’ve actually got a little bit of sun on my forehead! So bad for the ole skin and WRINKLES! Yikes. Oh well, that’ll teach me.

So on the way back I wanted a massage but my favorite lady wasn’t working today So instead I went to a Vietnamese restaurant that serves a mean papaya salad. So I had grilled pork skewer & papaya salad. It was so yummy. Then I went to Ross and found a coupla pairs of earrings (hoops - I’m OLD SKOOL). So I guess I’ll wear my new earrings and a lacy top tonight with jeans & heels. Wildchild called and told me she’s been napping so she could have enough energy for tonight. She’s so funny - in other words she wants to drink herself crazy. She’s probably already started by now!

Ok, better get in the shower…. I intend to hike again maybe tomorrow when I get up. I’ve got to take some advil tonight though

I’ll have fun regardless of whether I meet anyone p.s. I did not hear from Investor yesterday! Oh well. Then I got an e-mail from epididemiolgist wishing me luck - WTF? Dude, there’s no need for an e-mail. I wasn’t feelin you either but I didn’t feel the need to rub your nose in it. And by the way, a recent picture does not mean one from when you were 30!

Damn - I nearly forgot about eating my figs Oh JOY!