Somewhere over the rainbow
I’m back.
LA - what can one say about the City of Angels that hasn’t been said before?
Oh, the San Fernando Valley (aka PORN capitol of the world) where I resided from 1991 to 2000, still looms large, gloomy and stifling. I managed to get my divorce there, nearly kill myself because of the heartache and bounced back to graduate from Cal State Los Angeles. My brother and one of my best friends, ‘LA’ live there. It’s rather bittersweet going back and seeing the old stomping grounds. Such sadness in that place, I always feel a bit melancholy as we drive through the streets.
On Friday night we went to see my old co-worker from Kaiser and she looked exactly the same! Time has been good to her. She brought pictures of her children growing up which was just fabulous. We then went to dinner and to El Torito for drinks. Karaoke night which made us laugh and wince. The Valley is such a fragile place (or maybe it’s just me). A woman in her late 40’s to early 50’s walked in - a bleach blonde with a frizzy perm, powdered pale face, peacock blue eye shadow, revlon red lipstick, mismatched bag & purple dress and black pumps with worn heels. She was clearly looking for companionship. My eyes followed her as she hoisted herself onto the bar stool and tried to make eye contact with the men. She ordered a drink (pink margarita) and smiled at a few men. She clapped wildly at times and ran her index finger on the rim of her glass as she checked out the scene. LA said, ‘You know this is a big night for her’. I could see that it was - suddenly envisioning her carefully applying her makeup and assembling her outfit. I wondered what her apartment looked like and what she ate for lunch. Whether she smoked or not and if she had any luck with love. As the night wore on, she sat alone - constantly vigilant and making a little conversation with the bartender. I felt consumed by her loneliness and then had to wonder if it wasn’t my own. I would never have the balls to dress myself up and go into a bar. I’m not woman enough for it. I was suddenly struck with a deep respect and affection for her. Here she was a woman determined to have a good time no matter what…. I wished her the best in all that she did. I loved her from the top of her frizzy head to those worn ass velvet black pumps! Good luck sister - we all fucking deserve a break!
My brother actually bought tickets to the Bourne Ultimatum movie (I loved it!) and dinner at a Thai joint. Gosh, I couldn’t see those lost 15 pounds underneath his gigantic t-shirt. But I told him that I could see it and was so proud of him. My poor brother. I bleed for him on a constant basis. It’s difficult because I don’t show him enough with tender words that I truly love him and wish that I could protect him from this cruel world that we live in. He lumbers around (all 300 pounds) of him and it just breaks my heart because I know he is lonely. My father broke his spirit (countless beatings, yelling and cruel words) and he eats to comfort himself. He spent nearly a year in a mental institution during high school but he refuses to go to a therapist for his clinical depression. He’s been at his job now for about 6 years and I know they don’t treat him well but it’s so hard for him to find another job. He’s functioning but it’s so sad.
Ok, enough. He’s doing alright. Dear brother, I know that next life - you will be truly happy. Maybe you were curious about what it felt to be in this skin… Only happiness for you next time.
LA in the meantime is full of artificial breasts, plump lips, tight skin & clothing. Everyone wants to exude SEX. No wonder ‘LA’ takes her boob pills religiously…. it’s a lot of pressure. Needless to say we went to the gym, worked out, saw women in their late 50’s with huge artificial breasts and lips that made Angelina Jolie look like a nun. From behind, these women were remarkable with their lean, tanned bodies donned in skin tight bright shorts & halter tops - yet the minute they turned around time would not be masked despite the most earnest attempts at manipulation.I was amazed the entire time.Wow, I thought - how did they manage to get their bodies looking so young? tight? It was truly a testament to their dedication to looking good (oh yeah and being healthy - but honestly do double DD’s improve one’s health?). I did however find it sad to see quite a number of uber tan, size 0 Mothers strutting through the gym in their hot yellow short shorts, tight junior’s size t-shirts straining over their enormous Barbie boobs - being trailed by a glum or chubby teen aged daughter. I felt the poor girl’s pain. The locker room was full of tan perfect breasts which stood up perfectly no matter what position their owners had them in. Flat bellies and countless lacy leopard print thongs….
Oh why couldn’t I possess such taut perfection?
LA is definitely not for one with poor self esteem.
Food was plentiful this weekend and I indulged despite the ravages of seeing all of those beautiful bodies. I got home from the airport and went to a Thai joint for take out. I ate so much that my stomach is bothering me right now. Not a good thing. But tomorrow it starts all over again. The efforts to find some level of satisfaction with myself. As I stood in the mirror at the gym and looked at my saggy thighs, stomach, breasts; I felt grateful that my reflection did not make me nauseous. I thought, ‘I look ok. I’m working on myself - I may never have one of those racehorse bodies but hell - I’ll be alright. I can do this.’ That’s more than I’ve thought about myself in years.
My hair is so much softer from all that steam room action w/deep conditioning. It actually feels a bit like petting a soft furry animal rather than running your hand across the brillo pad. LA remarked constantly on what a disaster it was - but I refused to let it get to me. LA is a thin, petite beautiful asian girl with shiny hair and clear skin. She turns head even with no makeup on. I didn’t tell her I was on MF. I told her I was starving myself (which is essentially the truth) and she told me that I should not be doing that…. her parents who I have known for at least 10 years told me that I looked good but warned me against losing more weight. They think I look good now. I thought that was very sweet.
Her niece and nephew are 3 & 5 - adorable little scamps. It’s fun to be around little ones… it was even better that I didn’t have that usual yearning that accompanies this activity.
Salesman was consistent in his texting - I actually found myself daydreaming about having sex with him. Yep, wonders never cease. We’re gonna go out on Thursday night - his daughter is comin in from Florida on Friday for the long weekend. Salesman is getting a physical on Tuesday (that little STD clearance thing) and has a dental appointment next week. I’m glad - I might have been up to no good if given the chance. Startup called tonight and we’ll meet at 7:00pm on Tuesday night for our little outing. Somehow my steam is gone for that dude - so we’ll see. Shit. Looks like this week I’ll be having my period which really is not cool. Oh well - just in time I guess to thwart any half-assed thoughts I might have had about next weekend….’nuf said. That epidemiologist wrote me a line since he came back from Mexico so I wrote him back and asked him when he’d be available to meet up. Shit - why waste time with countless e-mails? Honestly - who has all that time? I’m playing the E-harmony million question game with two chinese men right now. So maybe something will come up at some point. I can’t give up. I’ve been alone for 4 years now and it’s about time to get in the game…
I’m beat. I’m a bit scared at how much I’ve gained because of this weekend - but hell - I’m back on the wagon tomorrow so it can’t be too bad at next Saturday’s weigh in. I’m gonna work real hard this week for the exercise component as well.
It was good to finally come home and open the door to my messy ‘box’. It’ll be nice to sleep in my own bed.
There’s no place like home.
