! trANNsformation BaBy !

I’ve been working like a dog all week.

Last night I was at work until the building’s lights went out at 10:00pm and wished I had another 1/2 hour to complete what I was doing.

I decide that I need to bring stuff home. I mean at one point or another we all do it. I’ve managed to not do this to myself because I like my space to be a ‘work free’ zone.

Well, despite today being my day off - I thought I might catch a glimpse of my kid today because he had a doctor’s appointment in the city. I call the group home staff at 1:00 after grudgingly typing notes for a few hours and find that he’s in crisis at the group home. He’s been in crisis since 9:00am! They were not handling the situation appropriately. I then proceeded to spend the next 4 hours fielding phone calls from the group home director, psych assessment staff at the local hospital, the duty worker (who had to FAX one lousy piece of paper - shit she got off real easy today) and leaving messages for my supervisor while anxiously typing notes. WTF? I might as well have been sitting at my desk. It was ABSOLUTELY miserable.

I just got the last call of the day and my kid is being hospitalized in the city. I’m relieved to hear this - if I wouldn’t have checked in today I shudder to think what could have happened. WTF?!!!

Ms. Crisis called in the midst of this and despite being interrupted to field the calls - she managed to detail the misery of her current situation for a good hour. As she was talking I wondered what I’ve done to deserve this…

This morning before the drama - I left the house for a hot minute because I wanted to treat myself to some chicken soup. Now mind you, I don’t crave chicken soup ever. But I felt like I wanted to make it and eat it in some attempt to comfort myself. I made it and ate it - but it was not comforting.

I did overeat today out of sheer frustration, but luckily I have nothing in my home that could really put me under.

I decide to call my mother tonight to check in - she’s had to let go the ‘helper’ that came to her home because she wasn’t cleaning the home properly despite redirection. She lamented about my brother’s debt (I told him not to say anything about this because we argued about it last time) which he explained to her in detail and then told her not to tell me about it. I was irritated already when she went onto say how happy Wildchild was with her husband and what a great decision she made - how that could have been me. Disgusting - that guy made me want to puke - how much would I hate myself to wake up to that shit every morning strictly based on funds. WTF?! I was not in the mood for this call today but did it out of obligation. I kept thinking about how horrible it was that my mother will be gone someday (perhaps soon) and I’m feeling so irate with her at that very moment. I yelled when the phone went dead because she told me I hung up on her WTF? Basically it was a miserable call for the both of us even though it ended with gratuitous ‘love yous’ .

Five minutes later my brother calls - a normal enough conversation for the first few seconds until we get to the topic of his debt disclosure. We argue and he hangs up on me. I just looked at the phone.

whatever.

I am truly sick of everything today.

yeah AND I’ve got rowing tomorrow morning.

i don’t give a flying fuck right now if my face freezes this way.

Rowing was cool this weekend.

I’m getting the hang of it and really enjoy it. I wonder what it would feel like to row continuously for like 20-30 minutes on the water. I’m honestly thinking about becoming part of the novice rowing team despite the long ass drive three times a week. I feel like I finally found something I like to do and it would be awesome if I could actually get good at it. It’s still debatable at this point due to the time involvement - 1 hour total commute time - waking up at 4:15 to get out of the house by 4:30am to get there by 5:00am to start.

Now mind you I used to get up at 4:30am when I was in the military and had to go do the physical training at the base which was a good 30 minutes away.

We’ll have to see. Although I have to say - today we were coached by a new dude who is the coach for the novice group - he’s like 6′2 or something like that - long, lean and at least 30 years old which was actually kinda nice. I see NO wedding ring (I know it doesn’t mean shit but hey), dude is a total GEEK and a bit verbose for my tastes but seems like a nice dude. I was thinking about his balls so I guess I’m interested

Turn off though - dirty fingernails.

Unless you’re a mechanic - dirty fingernails don’t fly with me. Let’s hope he was doing yard work before he showed up this morning - preferably in the backyard of his 4 bedroom house in Palo Alto in which he resides ALONE - because he hasn’t met the likes of ANNIE GIRL

We can dream no?

Food.

Ah the sordid topic.

I actually did some calorie counting and found out I did 1400 calories today. Now the sweet potato chips with mango/pineapple salsa were totally unnecessary - but hey it happened. My brother berated me to no end about the sugar/fat content of my meals. Whatever. I put up with this shit because I know it helps him with his own dieting (day 9 of nutrisystem with no cheat day) but I have to say that I’ve told him more than once to tread lightly.

I also managed to transfer funds today - from my higher APR card (damn it to hell when the introductory rate fizzles out - now it’s 10.99 and that’s AFTER I called to get it lowered from 13.99 - WTF?!) to two lower apr cards (1.75 and 1.99 respectively) so that makes me feel a lot better. Now we can get back to the business of paying this shit off. I was doing well until I got off track. So I’ve got about 8 grand to pay off right now and some decent cards that will let me do it by next April. No more purchases on credit cards - I’ve already removed them from my wallet. No need to anymore - I’m not going to pay for anything but car rental on my southwest card to earn rapid rewards points. So I feel like my finances are getting into check little by little. That feels pretty damn good.

it’s fucked how hard you work to make it and how quickly it slips away

My house is looking better - I managed to pick up more stuff - cut the pile on my bed down to at least 1/3 left which is fantastic. I also have tons of trash to throw out.

I even managed to look up my DYSON’s problem on their website - so I’ll do some ‘filter’ cleaning tomorrow to see if that’ll rectify my poor suction issue.

yeah, things are getting into order.

Tomorrow I’ll go ahead and sign up for my online classes for my classes - see if I can get my union to reimburse me. $260.00 is a lot of money - it’d be nice to get it back.

I had dover sole and vegetable biryani rice for dinner tonight along with a side of organic heirloom tomato w/lowfat cucumber yogurt dressing. It was quite good. Now my house smells like fish despite all of these candles and open windows - but I’m sure my body is thanking me.

Gym tomorrow morning?

alright - let’s not get crazy

Yet another method of causing anguish.

So today I was curious to see what 5′5 186 brought up. NOT PRETTY.

OBESE.

Now this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this vile word but hey at one point I was MORBIDLY OBESE - so I guess there’s an improvement.

I’ve also figured out that I need to lose 35 pounds in order to get to that MAGIC number 150 so that my BMI would be considered HEALTHY.

Why does this amount of weight seem so DAUNTING?

Last year I lost 40 pounds and got down to 160 for my birthday in October last year - I felt pretty goddamn GREAT at 160. But the CRASH diet (MEDIFAST) really didn’t last ;(. Now here I am approaching my 41st birthday and I’m yet again feeling anxious to drop this shit so I’ll feel confident about turning yet another year older only wouldn’t it be ideal if I could manage fluctuating only 10 pounds above my goal weight? No crash diets.

Hmmmm. Let’s see - I’ve got 3 months to get down to 160. I’ve decided to not pressure myself into the 150 - shit - honestly I can’t remember the last time I was 150 pounds!

I stopped by the store today and instead of getting roast beef for sandwiches - I got chicken and turkey. I think it’s the small changes that are going to really help me to do this without going to extremes. I also didn’t get any cookies etc that I normally indulge in on the drive back home. I also bought this organic no calorie fruit base sweetener that can be used in my tea. It was pricey 8.99 for 35 single serve envelopes so this should be interesting. I’ve got enough fruit to keep things interesting - I decided to stop buying my skinny cow ice cream cones because quite frankly - I was eating too many of them

I tried the Starbucks Vivanno Banana Mango (250 calories, 16g protein, 6g fiber, 2g fat) today - it was alright. I thought it might be a good meal replacement every once in a while. It’s like 3.80 with tax.

Looks like I might be checking on calories again to make sure I’m within reason….

Fuck. Here we go again - this time we’re going to do it the RIGHT way or should we say the HEALTHY way.

Ok, time for that organic peach

The guy has an ethereal voice and it manages to wrestle with his body to escape from it.

Beautiful stuff and he’s quite the DIVA.

I really didn’t manage to do much today.

What the hell?

I guess some days are meant to be unproductive.