! trANNsformation BaBy !

Ok, so it seems that we are on a roll.

Well besides having back rolls that is….

The usual breakfast of oatmeal, lunch was at the airport in Ontario - Chili’s - Mesquite Chicken Salad - with the infamous dip fork in dressing - spear salad method of eating. Believe you me - it took a nice long time to eat that salad. I ordered it without the tortilla strips and cheese. I had the tomato basil soup - a cup of it. It was very delicious. Fuck it seemed too good to be true, even as I was eating it. Very creamy and a bit greasy. I just looked it up - HEAVY CREAM. Crap - I looked it up and it must be about 500 calories. GEEZ. The salad I did well, but next time - I’d better ask for the vegetable soup. Shit - didn’t think it would be THAT bad. I had a tiny packet of peanuts on the plane and it held me until tonight. Dinner was a roast beef sandwich made right in my kitchen. I even added WATER to my favorite salad dressing to make it less caloric. I shook it up real good and then drizzled it on the bread for flavor. It was good.
Topped it off with 3 pineapple spears for dessert.

I’m thinkin a grand total of 1300 at the most. Hey, not bad. I’m starting to get the hang of this salad thing.

Now, I’m starting to feel like I need to MOVE my body. Yes. This is starting to creep up on me - I mean today I thought - I want to go for a walk. It wasn’t due to obligation, rather these healthy food choices (ok, forget the goddamn tomato basil soup).

* twilight zone theme music playing in the background *

What’s going on? I’m not suffering…I saw the lady across from me ordering that giant sandwich with french fries. She was not overweight, but average sized. I did not look longingly at that sandwich. I did however sigh at some point during my salad spearing - but I made it to the end, drank that big cup of lemon water and thought - good for you Annie.

Tonight I wanted to put another slice of cold roast beef on my sandwich, but I was like - NOPE, you don’t need that.

WTF?!

Now I’ve got to tell you that this morning I tried on a skirt and it was too snug to wear. I felt frustrated as I went through a few different combinations feeling like everything just grabbed a roll and held on for dear life. I don’t know if that helped me make this decision today because I didn’t think of it after I left the house. I got preoccupied with the flight and driving to the airport etc. But it probably did give me a little more resolve than usual.

I really want out of my fat suit. It’s become unbearable. I’m learning something new everyday and I’m feeling strong right now. In this moment, I feel strong. I feel like I can do this…

I had fun with the 17 year old boy I brought back from Ontario. We joked, we played hangman, he giggled like a little kid. I giggled like a little kid. He beat me at tic tac toe - TWICE! I even managed to give him a hug when I left him. He’ll turn 18 this summer and he’ll be leaving the ’system’. He’s smart and determined, but he’s missing a lot of social skills due to his history. For a little while we sat on that noisy, cold ass plane with the sun shining through the window and played hangman on a white vinyl barf bag. It was fucking precious. I felt my heart swell up for him.

I’ve decided I’m goin’ to his graduation.

Sometimes it’s a good day you know?

Even if you’re as big as a house.

Well, today was pretty good.

Oatmeal/blueberries cup of tea for breakfast, lunch was a corn on the cob and a cup of chicken with rice soup, 1/4 of a chai latte and then for dinner I met up with Ms. Crisis.

We had a salad and I had a cup of cabbage soup. It was very good. I really enjoyed it. Now the salad had walnut bits, some bacon crumbles, grapes (yum) and a lemon vinagrette dressing with a grilled chicken breast. It was really great.

Ms. Crisis talked about things that were going on with her hubby - a temporary job change that was unexpected that will cost him his benefits for a little while. She’s not happy about it at all. Fortunately he doesn’t have health issues like her - but it’s not a good thing.

She’s so sweet - I couldn’t find that gift certificate that I got for them from Barnes & Nobles so I went empty handed. Meanwhile, she had a night light (angel) in a pair of fuzzy socks along with 100.00. Good grief. I tried to give her back the 100.00 and she refused saying she would be insulted.

So, I guess that makes my gift only 40.00 - but you know what - it’s all good. Man. I love her but those phonecalls weekly - I probably deserve the 60.00 a year.

It was a nice dinner - I was totally satisfied with that cabbage soup and big salad. It was great. Makes me wanna make some cabbage soup - freeze some and pull it out occassionally to have. Now I don’t normally add any nuts or bolts to my salad - but now grapes were hella good. I know I won’t do the nuts because I’m frightened of the fat in nuts.

But now I’m wondering if just a handful would be alright because I’m not hungry right now. Usually I’d be hungry a few hours later.

So tomorrow is my round trip to Ontario - not so bad but it takes frickin all day to do it so that part sucks. But at least it’s just an hour flight. Not bad I guess but time consuming.

Last trip for the rest of the year - fingers crossed.

So I got my teen’s pictures developed and MAN - did she take a few lousy pics! I was so hoping there would be something halfway decent to put in a frame for her brother, her and her Mom. Oh well. I guess I’ll make due with what I have and when I go up to visit her again this month - I’ll bring my digital and take a decent picture of them with their Mother. I’ll take the best of the other ones, frame them and put them in a frame as well. KIDS!

I found a great frame for the Mom - gonna make that the kids present to her with their picture inside. Maybe this will help her get it together because honestly - I’m the one who calls her to bring her to visit - she never calls on her own. I know she’s depressed but good grief. These are your babies.

Oh well.

That’s life in the fast lane.

Can I hear a 1600 calories today? FUCK.

Yep, no more Shopaholic’s brother’s beef ribs. I didn’t know they were SO high in calories. SCARY. I only had two and didn’t even eat all the meat off them but oh well. It really fucked me over.

I even thought I did well because I ate a salad for dinner tonight when I took one of my kids out to eat and the mall. I gulped and ordered a salad. Then as I ate it I wondered about the calories in the dressing (mental note - get it on the side so you can play the dip fork game). So tonight I came home and looked it up - it wasn’t so bad like 400 calories total for the salad - of course the majority coming from the dressing. I was so proud of myself when I ordered a salad. No sweets afterwards either, just grabbed a piece of hard candy at Marie Calendars. I bought a pie for the foster Mother. It was Banana Cream and it was 7 bucks. Not bad for a whole nice pie - I wish I could have a slice but hell no - not now.

So it looks like even my drink choice - a nonfat sugar free latte - only drank half of it wasn’t too bad but the ribs really fucked me up.

Oh well. Lesson learned.

I did drink a lot of water today so that was very very good.

I’ll be interested to see if I get any damn results soon.

No more beef ribs though….

Well, I’m back from Alabama sans the banjo on my knee.

Brutal though - I have to say. I am so finished with this traveling nonsense. Saturday started at at 4am and got to Huntsville by 5pm and then I was up at 4 again this morning to head downstairs to the ticket counter at 4:30am and we got to SFO by noon. My coworker who does transportation for the kids came on time to pick her up and drive her another 2 hours home. She had a great time but unfortunately she failed a class that we were hoping she passed before she left.

Oh well.

Now I’m back home and it’s cold - not to mention I’ve got another cold again.

Oh well.

Now Saturday was sparse on the eating - I had a grand total of 2 corn on the cobs, 3 hard boiled eggs (which somehow I managed to screw up) and a cup of blueberries along with oatmeal in the morning. I didn’t eat at all while traveling. I was hungry when I went to bed that night. Weird, I don’t ever remember feeling hungry at bedtime.

Today I managed some eggs and a piece of ham at the airport (2.50 thank you Atlanta) then when I got home I had a big plate of salad with my 2 tbps of my favorite dressing, a handful of cherry tomatoes and then a bowl of rice and korean soup. It was pretty good. I also had a cozy shack sugar free puddin for dessert.

I am a happy camper.

It’s so hard to wish you weren’t as big as you are now. It’s hard to look in the mirror and NOT be repulsed by your own reflection. The worst thing about it is that it’s no one’s fault but your own. So every time you pass by something you would normally eat - it eats at you a little because you CAN’T have it.

Because all of those shouldn’ts end up distorting your body and ultimately wreaking havoc on your self esteem.

Well we’ll just hold on and see what becomes of us now that we’re tryin’ real hard to do manage our shit.

Damn, gotta go back to the grind tomorrow. Couldn’t take a day off because it would screw up the extra time I could get credited to me for traveling this weekend.

Now ain’t that a bitch.

Oh well.

I intend to sneak out early tomorrow….

Now I’d better have a cup of tea to ward off the munchies….

Oh well.