Once again I find myself walking down that path of self sabotage. I know I’m doing it but I can’t seem to stop myself. I love the “new” me. The compliments, the way I feel. But for some reason, these last couple of weeks, I’ve just wanted to be “normal” for all the sense that makes.
Food never really controlled my life before. I didn’t eat well, but I didn’t constantly think of what I was going to eat or when I was going to eat again. Since starting this lifestyle change, I feel like that’s all I do. I have to make sure I get up in time to eat breakfast. I have to either take my supplements with me or make sure I have something ready at the house that I can make for lunch. Then comes dinner. I don’t eat out because I’m afraid of the temptations and when I do, I try to only go places where I know I can order things on plan.
So for the last couple of days, I’ve just wanted to be normal and not think about what was going in my mouth. I wanted to eat (and drink) like my friends without feeling like I was giving up something, like I was missing out.
I’m writing this now in hopes of being strong here in a few minutes when I get to the bowling alley where everyone will be drinking and ordering french fries and hotdogs and pizza. I didn’t have what I wanted to for dinner because my friend came over and brought me a salad from Arby’s. Unfortunately, it was the breaded chicken not the grilled but still better than the sandwich and fries. But it wasn’t enough because I ate a smoothie and green beans for lunch so I’m going to have fight extremely hard not to eat something at the bowling alley.
I’m just hungry right now and I know it’s because I’m coming off a couple of bad days and having to fight the cravings. I just have to remember what the scale this morning… 300.6. I almost cried because that’s 6 lbs more than I was on Thursday. I know that it’s mostly just water and if I can stick with it and do a B6 flush tomorrow, I should at least be back down to 293 by Thursday. But it still really hurt to see that 3 at the beginning again. I swore I’d never see that number again and because I haven’t been able to control myself for the last week or so, I’ve set myself back.
I can do this. I know I can. I have to focus. I have to remember just how badly I want this. I will do it. I won’t cave tonight no matter how bad the cravings get.
Wish me luck…
Posted on June 16th, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: MRC Journey
I’m sorry, but if you’re like me, you just can’t be “normal” about food. I know I can’t. It was a hard thing to realize, that I just can’t eat stuff like “normal” people do. If I do, I will stay fat and get fatter and be unhealthy forever. I try to think about it akin to the way an alcoholic can’t have just one drink, even though a normal social drinker can. It’s the same thing for me. If I decide to eat the way those around me are eating, I will self-destruct. I hope you find a way to satisfy your cravings and still stay onboard with your long-term healthy goals.
Thank you for commenting! I did OK tonight. It was so very hard but I fought the majority of my cravings. I had 3 pieces of pepperoni. Not slices, just the cooked pepperonis on top of the pizza and one little bite that had no cheese, pepperonis and just a little bit of sauce. Plus I have to say that was the ONLY thing they ordered tonight. Not the usual hot dogs and fries. There was an ice cream cake but I avoided it like the plague.
And I bowled two games so at least I burned a couple calories. 
It is okay! You just took a small scenic detour and you are getting back to the interstate now. You want this. You can do it. I experienced a difficult weekend with an event and cravings from eating off plan for just one day. Get back in there. I have faith in you and know you can do it.