One day at a time, one pound at a time!

I don’t even know anymore. Love? Hope? Or am I just being scared and stupid and afraid of what might happen if I just let him go?

I’ve spent the last 2 hours basically crying my eyes out while fighting with my estranged husband. He moved out almost exactly a year ago today, on May 22nd. In a weird way, it’s been the worst and best year of my life.

Worst in that I miss him so much. I still love him completely. It’s that “unconditional” thing for me. Even with all the shit he’s put me through, I haven’t stopped loving him. I still see the wonderful man that I married almost 5 years ago. I’ve gotten glimpses of him in our time together this past year.

Don’t get me wrong though. He’s been a major asshole as well. He’s treated me pretty shitty and I’ve put up with it. I guess I’m a glutton for punishment.
While I don’t want to end our marriage, I don’t know how long I can keep going through this. I’m missing both the emotional and the physical aspects of my relationship. He was my best friend. I could tell him anything and trusted him with my life. Part of that trust has been broken but there’s still so much of myself that loves him and I don’t want to let him go. At least not without feeling like I’ve done everything in my power to save us.

I really thought tonight was going to be the night that everything was decided. But yet again, he’s gone and I’m left wondering what is going to happen next. I basically told him that this decision is his and to think about it carefully because once it’s done, it will not be able to be undone. There won’t be a second chance. I will not let myself be hurt like this again. So if there was any part of him, any part that all, that thought he could find his way back to me then something has to change. There has to be some major effort on his part to give this a shot. It means coming back home and trying to find our happiness again. Starting fresh with forgiveness on both parts and the understanding that neither of us is perfect.

And I guess the best part of this has been that I’m not sure I would have taken the steps to make myself healthier and lose this weight if it were not for his leaving. I’ve done a lot of thinking about me over this past year and I haven’t been happy with myself for a long time. It might be what drove that wedge between us in the first place. I wasn’t happy with me so I didn’t do the things I needed to make him happy with me either. I’ve had some serious emotional roller coaster rides this past year and I’m starting to wonder if I might not be just a wee bit manic depressive. I will literally go from sitting at home all weekend, not showering and sleeping 12-20 hours A DAY to feeling like I’m on top of the world and nothing can hold me back.

Everyone that knows us both (and even those that only know me) continue to tell me that I don’t deserve this. I deserve to be treated better and to find someone who loves me for me. And I agree with them. I do deserve better. But I can’t seem to get my heart and my brain on the same page. Everything in my head tells me to just do it. Cut my losses and move on. But my heart… Damn that heart. It just keeps holding on to the great things about him and remembering/missing all the things I love. The way he laughs. The way he sings along in the car and savors the words to the song. The way he snores. The way he makes this little noise that sounds like a laugh as he’s falling asleep. The way he made me feel safe, like no one could ever hurt me. His big strong arms wrapped tightly around me in the worlds best hug. The way we could sit on the porch and listen to music and drink beer and be completely happy with each other. We’d sit there for hours and share stories about our lives and talk about the things we want to do in the future.

It’s those things that are keeping me here. That keep me fighting.

I guess at this point I just have to wonder if I’m fighting for the right reasons or the wrong ones. I do love him. That’s not up for debate. But do I want this to work out because I’m afraid of being alone? Or because I’m just stubborn and hate to fail? Or out of pride? Maybe because I feel like I’m going to disappointment my parents (who have NO idea what has been going… thankfully they live 8 hours away)? Could it even be because the thought of being back out “on the market” scares the shit out of me and I’d rather be in a bad marriage than trying to date again? I honestly have no idea.

I’m so confused right now. He tells me tonight that he thinks I might be his one chance at forever. But that’s not enough to make him want to come back right now. That in his mind, the things I did wrong in our marriage (long story short, bad housekeeping/cooking skills) made him feel like I didn’t care about him as much as he cared for me. Like he was giving and giving and I was just taking without giving as much back. And the part that bothered him the most was that I was perfectly content to sit back and continue it. I should point out that had he mentioned how important those things were to him I would have worked harder on that part. But he didn’t. He let it sit there and fester inside until it poisoned the good parts and he lost sight of them. Now he says he just can’t move past that feeling of bitterness, of rejection and defeat.

It’s amazing I have lost a single pound with all this emotional baggage I have been carrying around this year. I want to get drunk. I want to eat without conscience. I want to throw the fucking scale out the window and say forget it!

But I won’t. Because this has been the only thing in the past year that has made me feel even remotely good about myself. I’m doing it for me. Not him. Not anyone else. For me. And I will continue doing it for me regardless of what happens. If he comes home, I’ll continue to eat my meals on plan and it even might help him lose a pound or 30. I won’t let myself fall into a rut of fast food and laziness. I’m getting my bike with that rebate check (that will hopefully come the 23rd) and I will ride it every single evening, rain or shine. I am going to reach my goal of 175 lbs by this time next year. I will fall. I will slip. But I will pick myself up by the bootstraps and get right back on that horse. This. Is. For. Me!

My shoulders are so tight right now, I think if anyone were to touch them I would scream. I have a massage in just under 2 weeks. Thank God. The toxins that baby is going to release will probably make me sicker than a dog but hopefully it will all be worth it.

Enough rambling. If you stuck around this long, thank you for your time. Hope it wasn’t depressing/boring!

Posted on May 20th, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: General