What can I say? I’ve been a bit neglectful of my wonderful little blog. Partly because I’ve been struggling with keeping things on track and partly because I just haven’t made the time for it. I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal stress and obstacles these last few weeks.
First and foremost has been my relationship with my husband. Who is soon become my ex-husband. We finally came to the decision to end our relationship. I guess really, I finally came to the decision with him. I think he decided on it a long time ago but I’ve been resisting. I don’t really know why other than the fear of what ending it might bring. Loneliness. Rejection. Pain.
But honestly, I’ve been feeling all those things for the last 14 months anyway so letting it finally be over was actually, surprisingly, freeing. The minute I said the words to him (”I think you need to go ahead and file for a divorce”), it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I started to feel better than I have in months. Better about me. Better about what the future might hold.
I’m still going through some ups and downs with it right now and there’s a part of me that still misses him. But I know that I am better off without him. All the bitterness and anger I have been holding on to the last several months just seemed to melt away when I finally realized I had the strength to let him go.
And in that moment, it was like something just clicked in me and I started to get back on track with my program and doing the things I need to do to be a happier, healthier me. When I weighed this morning, I was actually at 280. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve been hovering between 283-288 for the past couple of weeks and it felt wonderful to finally break that barrier and start moving back down the scale.
I’m still struggling with food a little but it’s getting much easier to say “No” to the things I know that I don’t need. I’ve been working out a little more regularly although I hate to admit I’ve been VERY neglectful of my bike. I haven’t ridden in almost 2 weeks. Only consolation for this week is that I bought some “10 Minute Trainer” videos and have worked out with them a bit. Today being the exception but I’m still pretty sore from yesterdays work out. Who knew 10 minutes could do so much???
I made a bold step and put myself up on a dating website. Some people may think it’s too soon but honestly, I haven’t been in a relationship for over a year now. There’s been no love, no emotion in my relationship with my ex-husband. (Not even the occasional booty call) Perhaps I should wait until the divorce is finalized but really, why? There is no way that there will be a last minute reconciliation so I’d rather just get back in that saddle and start moving forward again.
So here I go. Recreating my life. Recreating me. And hopefully somewhere along this journey I’ll find someone who can appreciate the me that I am becoming and will continue becoming. I am a work in progress. And I like the way I am progressing.
Hopefully I’ll be around here posting more updates and pictures of my new hotness. 
Posted on July 22nd, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: General | 1 Comment »
I weighed in at home this morning and I was still down (actually down more than I was Saturday morning) so I made sure to have a cute outfit on that actually fits well and to pack my “before” outfit in the car. I got to the center, weighed in and was actually down another pound since Saturday, putting me at 289.5. I signed the 50 lb board and only have 8.5 more to go to reach the 60 pound board. WOOHOO!
The girl at the center was wonderful about letting me do my little “fashion” show. I always wear this certain pair of shorts when I weigh in because they are super light cotton so I changed out of those back into my black dressy Capri’s and took the signing pictures. They aren’t as great as that one in the red shirt. I think I need to invest in more red when I go shopping. Then she was really cool while I changed into my “before” clothes and took my pictures.
I could tell in the pictures on the camera that there was a difference but when I got home and put them up side-by-side… I damn near cried. Ok, I *did* cry. I couldn’t look at them without crying.
I know I’ve made some big changes because my clothes fit different and I feel different. But I never really saw it and didn’t feel “real” until today. I don’t think my feet have touched the ground yet.
I printed these out and hung them on my desk at work (minus the weights… I don’t need my office knowing just exactly HOW fat I was/am). They will be a constant reminder to me of what I’ve accomplished and how it means I can make it to my goal. I think I might even print off a couple more and hang them around my house!
So without much further ado, here are the now infamous pictures!
Posted on June 23rd, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: MRC Journey, Pictures, Progress/Goals | 4 Comments »
Well, it’s been a rough week. I broke down on Tuesday and had beer. Which lead to a late night Taco Bell run. Wednesday was so-so with a little slip at lunch where I indulged in a couple of bites of fried pickles and zucchini and ate a roll. Thursday and Friday were perfectly on plan, though. I got back on the bike Thursday morning for the first time in almost 2 weeks but only managed to make it 1.6 miles. I didn’t get to ride on Friday because it was raining.
Today, I decided to get up and ride to the center for a weigh in. I basically just got out of bed and got on the bike. I weighed on my home scale and it said 289.4. I really thought it was just a fluke because that was a HUGE drop since yesterday.
When I got to MRC, I chatted with the counselor for a couple minutes while I cooled down (1.5 mile ride there) and then we took my blood pressure. I was pretty surprised that it was only 104/77 even after the ride. I was even more surprised when I hopped on the scale and was 290.5! I lost 5 lbs since my weigh in on Thursday.
And it meant that I could sign the 50 lb board. Something I have been longing to do for the longest time! So it was pretty funny when I flat out refused to sign it.
I looked like crap! I just got off the bike and was all flushed. My hair was in a ponytail and dirty looking. No make up. Wearing a pair of spandex capri’s and a big ol’ baggy t-shirt. Plus I had on my glasses because I didn’t feel like putting my contacts in. NO DAMN WAY I was signing that board and getting a picture taken looking like that. I told them that if it was still down on Monday, I’d do it then.
I had this whole set up in my head worked out for when I hit the 50 lb board. I was going to bring my “before” outfit so I could see the difference in the way it fit and I wanted to be wearing something cute for the picture of me signing the 50 lb board. I just honestly didn’t think it would happen today!!! (not that I’m complaining) :) At least I can be all ready for it on Monday.
Posted on June 21st, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: Cycling, MRC Journey, Progress/Goals | 1 Comment »
Once again I find myself walking down that path of self sabotage. I know I’m doing it but I can’t seem to stop myself. I love the “new” me. The compliments, the way I feel. But for some reason, these last couple of weeks, I’ve just wanted to be “normal” for all the sense that makes.
Food never really controlled my life before. I didn’t eat well, but I didn’t constantly think of what I was going to eat or when I was going to eat again. Since starting this lifestyle change, I feel like that’s all I do. I have to make sure I get up in time to eat breakfast. I have to either take my supplements with me or make sure I have something ready at the house that I can make for lunch. Then comes dinner. I don’t eat out because I’m afraid of the temptations and when I do, I try to only go places where I know I can order things on plan.
So for the last couple of days, I’ve just wanted to be normal and not think about what was going in my mouth. I wanted to eat (and drink) like my friends without feeling like I was giving up something, like I was missing out.
I’m writing this now in hopes of being strong here in a few minutes when I get to the bowling alley where everyone will be drinking and ordering french fries and hotdogs and pizza. I didn’t have what I wanted to for dinner because my friend came over and brought me a salad from Arby’s. Unfortunately, it was the breaded chicken not the grilled but still better than the sandwich and fries. But it wasn’t enough because I ate a smoothie and green beans for lunch so I’m going to have fight extremely hard not to eat something at the bowling alley.
I’m just hungry right now and I know it’s because I’m coming off a couple of bad days and having to fight the cravings. I just have to remember what the scale this morning… 300.6. I almost cried because that’s 6 lbs more than I was on Thursday. I know that it’s mostly just water and if I can stick with it and do a B6 flush tomorrow, I should at least be back down to 293 by Thursday. But it still really hurt to see that 3 at the beginning again. I swore I’d never see that number again and because I haven’t been able to control myself for the last week or so, I’ve set myself back.
I can do this. I know I can. I have to focus. I have to remember just how badly I want this. I will do it. I won’t cave tonight no matter how bad the cravings get.
Wish me luck…
Posted on June 16th, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: MRC Journey | 3 Comments »
I found this really cool website (thanks for the person that posted about it in my comments) where I can track my bike ride and see just how far I have been going. I found out my first couple of rides were just right at 3/4 of a mile so of course I wanted to start going further (I’m impatient).
On Thursday, I finally sat down and figured out how to install my odometer/speedometer and according to it, my ride was exactly 2 miles and I averaged about 9mph. I would go about 11-13mph until I had to peddle in the wind and it would drop down to 5-6mph. I’m telling you, that wind is KILLER! Stupid west Texas. I have a feeling I just need to get used to it!
It was over 100 yesterday and is supposed to be that hot the entire weekend and through the first part of next week. Awesome. Because of that, I didn’t go out until about 8pm last night. It wasn’t too terribly hot but I do definitely work up a sweat, which is good, right? I ended up going 2.4 miles yesterday. I’d like to get my daily rides up to at least 5-6 miles and do that for a while then start increasing a mile at a time.
I’ve decided my goal for this time next year is to hit 50 miles a ride. Then the long term goal is to do a Century ride. Yeah, I think I’m going to be come one of those crazy bike geeks. If I really do intend to get this serious about it, I have a feeling I’m going to be getting a better road bike in the not too distant future!
I need to take a picture of my new “baby” and upload it for you guys. I am totally in love with my bike now!
Posted on May 31st, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: Cycling | 1 Comment »
I’m doing an online weight loss challenge with some friends of mine from all over the country. There are 28 of us and it was $20 each to enter. The top three places money (50/30/20). Our weekly weigh in day is Thursday so I always count my Thursday first morning weigh in as that weeks loss.
When I first started weighing at home again in January (had the scale just did a really great job of avoiding it), I was 346 pounds. When we started this challenge, I was 312. Today, I was 296. That is 50 freakin’ pounds since January. Twenty-one weeks. (I’m in 4th place, btw… But am totally going to get into the top 3!!!)
I can’t believe I have lost this much weight. I’ve never lost this much before. I honestly feel like if I can lose 50, I can lose the 200 that I really want to lose. Metabolic has my goal at around 175, but I would be just beside myself if I could get to 150 or less.
It’s not going to be easy and I will screw up but if I can lose 50, I can lose another 50. Then another and another. So in what? Approximately 15 more months, I can possibly be at my ideal weight? Piece of… chicken! 
Posted on May 29th, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: Progress/Goals | 2 Comments »
Well I did it. I got up this morning and went for a short (and I do mean short) bike ride. The first part of it, the seat was slipping again but I made a couple of adjustments before heading back and it was still where I set it when I got home so that’s good. I think my route was MAYBE a mile and might actually be a little less but it totally kicks my ass. I am so out of shape. I’m going to keep doing that route until it doesn’t feel so challenging then will add another block and another block until I can go for at least an hour.
Oh, and the wind was kind of up so on my way back I was peddling right into it. That SUCKED!!! I felt like I was going about 1 mph and my thighs were burning! I really hope that it will help me build up the muscles in my legs and get rid of that upper thigh fat.
When I got back and cooled off, I actually wanted to go again. I have a Gold Canyon party tonight (my debut) at 5pm but I think when I get back from that, I might go for another short ride. I could probably do it twice a day for the next couple of days. Still need to get my odometer installed so I can see just how far I’m going!
Maybe that’s what I’ll go do right now…
Posted on May 25th, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: MRC Journey | 2 Comments »
I’ve been wearing size 28 pants since I started this lifestyle change and it’s gotten to the point where I just look really bad in them because they are so baggy and sag all over. Most of them, I’m putting on/taking off without even unbuttoning or zipping them. I’ve been putting off buying new stuff because I know I won’t be wearing them long either. I did buy one pair of 26 jeans from Wal-Mart a couple of weeks ago but even they are starting to look a little big.
Today, I went to a “door buster” sale at Kohl’s and even though I wasn’t expecting them to fit, I tried on a couple of pair of 24’s. One were a pair of Lee denim bermuda shorts and the other were a pair of Vanderbilt denim capri’s. I went in the dressing, totally expecting to have to put them back on the rack. Much to my shock, both pair fit. They are snug but I had no problems getting them up or zipped and buttoned. And the Lee’s have a snap button, not a button hole button and they didn’t pop back open (of course, thinking about it now they might when I sit down). I also bought a tank top. I don’t wear tank tops because I hate my arms. This has a little wider strap and looks like two tank tops layered. I plan on wearing it and bermuda shorts to a BBQ I’m going to on Monday. I also bought a pair of gray cotton workout pants in XXL. Before, I don’t think I could have even worn a 3XL. I ended up spending way too much on clothes that I hope to not wear for long but hopefully they will get me through the summer.
I also got my stimulus check on Thursday and immediately went and bought a new bicycle. I got a 21 speed Trek Navigator. It’s awesome. I rode it yesterday afternoon but am having trouble with my seat sinking (probably because of my fat butt). Tomorrow I am going to get up and try to take an early ride. I need to see if I can figure out a way to keep the seat from sinking, though. It makes it really hard to peddle after a bit because my knees are coming up way too high. I used it as an excuse for not riding today. I can always find an excuse. But even if I have to put a little duct tape on it in the morning, I am riding that damn thing! I even bought a helmet last night!
I’ve been lax with my food the last couple of days. I had a couple of fries last night when out for dinner with friends (did order an on plan meal, just picked off their plate). Then today, I was at my friends early this morning and she made breakfast. Eggs, turkey sausage (neither of those really off plan) and blueberry pancakes. I had one pancake with some syrup on it. I came home after running errands and had a smoothie for lunch but didn’t eat any veggies. Then I was REALLY bad for dinner. Cheese nachos and two tacos from Taco Villa.
I don’t know why I always do this to myself when I’m so close to goals. On my home scale, as of Thursday, I am only 1.2 lbs from a full 50 lbs lost since 1/02/08. At MRC, I’m still 8 lbs away which I could easily do in 2, maybe 2 1/2 weeks. I started my period yesterday and it just makes me want to shovel everything in. Tomorrow, I will be 100% on plan. And I’m going to make sure I’m stocked up on everything I need for the week and even try to prepare a couple of meals in advance for easy heating/cooking.
Rereading my blog has helped me put things back into perspective. I’m so glad I’m doing this, even if I was the only one reading it. Being able to write this down and going back to read it again really helps!
Posted on May 24th, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: MRC Journey, Progress/Goals | 2 Comments »
I don’t even know anymore. Love? Hope? Or am I just being scared and stupid and afraid of what might happen if I just let him go?
I’ve spent the last 2 hours basically crying my eyes out while fighting with my estranged husband. He moved out almost exactly a year ago today, on May 22nd. In a weird way, it’s been the worst and best year of my life.
Worst in that I miss him so much. I still love him completely. It’s that “unconditional” thing for me. Even with all the shit he’s put me through, I haven’t stopped loving him. I still see the wonderful man that I married almost 5 years ago. I’ve gotten glimpses of him in our time together this past year.
Don’t get me wrong though. He’s been a major asshole as well. He’s treated me pretty shitty and I’ve put up with it. I guess I’m a glutton for punishment.
While I don’t want to end our marriage, I don’t know how long I can keep going through this. I’m missing both the emotional and the physical aspects of my relationship. He was my best friend. I could tell him anything and trusted him with my life. Part of that trust has been broken but there’s still so much of myself that loves him and I don’t want to let him go. At least not without feeling like I’ve done everything in my power to save us.
I really thought tonight was going to be the night that everything was decided. But yet again, he’s gone and I’m left wondering what is going to happen next. I basically told him that this decision is his and to think about it carefully because once it’s done, it will not be able to be undone. There won’t be a second chance. I will not let myself be hurt like this again. So if there was any part of him, any part that all, that thought he could find his way back to me then something has to change. There has to be some major effort on his part to give this a shot. It means coming back home and trying to find our happiness again. Starting fresh with forgiveness on both parts and the understanding that neither of us is perfect.
And I guess the best part of this has been that I’m not sure I would have taken the steps to make myself healthier and lose this weight if it were not for his leaving. I’ve done a lot of thinking about me over this past year and I haven’t been happy with myself for a long time. It might be what drove that wedge between us in the first place. I wasn’t happy with me so I didn’t do the things I needed to make him happy with me either. I’ve had some serious emotional roller coaster rides this past year and I’m starting to wonder if I might not be just a wee bit manic depressive. I will literally go from sitting at home all weekend, not showering and sleeping 12-20 hours A DAY to feeling like I’m on top of the world and nothing can hold me back.
Everyone that knows us both (and even those that only know me) continue to tell me that I don’t deserve this. I deserve to be treated better and to find someone who loves me for me. And I agree with them. I do deserve better. But I can’t seem to get my heart and my brain on the same page. Everything in my head tells me to just do it. Cut my losses and move on. But my heart… Damn that heart. It just keeps holding on to the great things about him and remembering/missing all the things I love. The way he laughs. The way he sings along in the car and savors the words to the song. The way he snores. The way he makes this little noise that sounds like a laugh as he’s falling asleep. The way he made me feel safe, like no one could ever hurt me. His big strong arms wrapped tightly around me in the worlds best hug. The way we could sit on the porch and listen to music and drink beer and be completely happy with each other. We’d sit there for hours and share stories about our lives and talk about the things we want to do in the future.
It’s those things that are keeping me here. That keep me fighting.
I guess at this point I just have to wonder if I’m fighting for the right reasons or the wrong ones. I do love him. That’s not up for debate. But do I want this to work out because I’m afraid of being alone? Or because I’m just stubborn and hate to fail? Or out of pride? Maybe because I feel like I’m going to disappointment my parents (who have NO idea what has been going… thankfully they live 8 hours away)? Could it even be because the thought of being back out “on the market” scares the shit out of me and I’d rather be in a bad marriage than trying to date again? I honestly have no idea.
I’m so confused right now. He tells me tonight that he thinks I might be his one chance at forever. But that’s not enough to make him want to come back right now. That in his mind, the things I did wrong in our marriage (long story short, bad housekeeping/cooking skills) made him feel like I didn’t care about him as much as he cared for me. Like he was giving and giving and I was just taking without giving as much back. And the part that bothered him the most was that I was perfectly content to sit back and continue it. I should point out that had he mentioned how important those things were to him I would have worked harder on that part. But he didn’t. He let it sit there and fester inside until it poisoned the good parts and he lost sight of them. Now he says he just can’t move past that feeling of bitterness, of rejection and defeat.
It’s amazing I have lost a single pound with all this emotional baggage I have been carrying around this year. I want to get drunk. I want to eat without conscience. I want to throw the fucking scale out the window and say forget it!
But I won’t. Because this has been the only thing in the past year that has made me feel even remotely good about myself. I’m doing it for me. Not him. Not anyone else. For me. And I will continue doing it for me regardless of what happens. If he comes home, I’ll continue to eat my meals on plan and it even might help him lose a pound or 30. I won’t let myself fall into a rut of fast food and laziness. I’m getting my bike with that rebate check (that will hopefully come the 23rd) and I will ride it every single evening, rain or shine. I am going to reach my goal of 175 lbs by this time next year. I will fall. I will slip. But I will pick myself up by the bootstraps and get right back on that horse. This. Is. For. Me!
My shoulders are so tight right now, I think if anyone were to touch them I would scream. I have a massage in just under 2 weeks. Thank God. The toxins that baby is going to release will probably make me sicker than a dog but hopefully it will all be worth it.
Enough rambling. If you stuck around this long, thank you for your time. Hope it wasn’t depressing/boring!
Posted on May 20th, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: General | No Comments »
Two different updates today -
Personal Scale Update
(from when I started on 1/02/08 to today)
Starting weight: 346
Today’s weight: 299.8
Total lost: 46.2
This was a huge milestone for me this morning. I set my first “major-mini” goal at 47 lbs because I wanted the scale to show a number below 300 and this morning, it did. I practically squealed with delight and hollered, “You can kiss my ass 300#!!!”
This was goal accomplishment #1 today.
MRC Scale Update
(from 2/7/08 to today)
Starting weight: 341
Today’s weight: 301
Total lost: 40
This was goal #2 accomplished today. I have been chasing down that 40 lb board for a couple of weeks so I was very excited about being able to sign it today. Next up, the 50 lb board! And before that, losing 50 lbs according to my home scale (hopefully next week).
Posted on May 16th, 2008 by angierue
Filed under: Progress/Goals | 2 Comments »
