lucy's mom gets her shit together

rainstorm

angelina — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 05:06:07 +0000

Well, it’s started raining here, finally, really raining, and being a native Washingtonian, I am under no illusions that it will stop at any time for the next eight months. I always have a bittersweet feeling at the beginning of the fall- I like the rain right now, so refreshing, but I know that the homogenous grayness and incessant moisture will have totally worn me down by June, when the temperature rises above 60 again. I’m a little grumpy tonight- diet stuff has been going okay; I did eat some jellybeans tonight at the movies, but in general, it’s been salads and sammys with no mayo. Not too shabby. I’m trying to lose a quick ten pounds before my birthday (though I know that’s a ridiculous expectation to have without crash dieting). I’m feeling a little bit lonely and blue tonight (I fought with my ex tonight and it made me feel even more alienated from the opposite sex than usual), but I’m actually going to go to bed early, get 8 full hours and hopefully awake refreshed. I have a lot of work to do this weekend, but I’m going to cook healthy, moderate meals for Noah and I while we are slogging through it all.

rough one

angelina — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 18:52:13 +0000

Well, yesterday was not great. Things went fine during the day, had half a chicken breast on wheat bread with basil and light mayo for breakfast, a salad for lunch (not the healthiest salad, admittedly, as it was in a restaurant and it had soppressata, olives, tomatoes, fresh mozzerella, vinaigrette and torn up bread- that thing was delicious). Then dinner rolled around and I made flank steak, which I was intending to have over a salad. Instead, I made ricearoni and ate six leftover pizza rolls. I ate probably two cups of ricearoni (which is super disgusting in it’s own right- so salty and fatty and obviously not actual rice), about half of one full package. Then I ate about a half cup of leftover rice pudding, a mango and some dried apples. I need to clean out my fridge because I still have stuff in there (half of the previously mentioned frozen lasagna, the rice pudding, pizza rolls etc.) that I should never eat if I’m trying to follow a diet plan. Doing that today. I’m trying not to be too bummed out about last night, but I’m upset and bloated and feeling like I can never get this thing done.

Yecchh, I need to go exercise.

speaking of busy

angelina — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 18:18:06 +0000

Yesterdays food breakdown:

Super salad for lunch: romaine, spinach, chickpeas, tomatoes, broccoli, olives, feta, sprouts, radicchio, balsamic vinaigrette. Dinner was a chicken and broccoli stir fry.

Had a busy day yesterday- taking it easy today, staying focused.

back in action, for real, y’all

angelina — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 07:05:51 +0000

So I’ve been on a break from blogging for several months now, but I have recently finished up the movie I’ve been working on, gotten my business off the ground and have a short break from school, so now is as good a time as any to jump back in head first. I’m down about fifteen pounds since May, and haven’t really lost any weight since July. I need to get back into it. The past few days I have been eating myself sick and I haven’t cooked a meal this entire month (unless you count baking a frozen lasagna- my Italian grandmother would probably disown me if she ever found out). The only salads I’ve eaten have been at restaurants. While we were editing the movie these past four weeks, I ate a gyro and french fries virtually every day for lunch and when I did emerge from our editing lair, it was to either walk the dogs or read an actual book or pay bills or other normal things that have been completely replaced by work, work, work. I haven’t worked out strenuously more than twice a week in two months. But, no more! While I have a certain amount of anxiety about NOT having this huge project in my life any more, I’m happy to have this whole thing removed from my plate (at least for now, or until we decide we want to re-edit the whole beast). Also, my friend Nancy’s wedding was two weeks ago and though I loved my dress and felt great during the actual ceremony (I LOVE a wedding and had a large hand in planning this one; so fun and romantic, and everyone gets drunk after the parents all leave and tons of cute groomsmen to dance and flirt with), it is never fun to be the fattest girl in a wedding. And I definitely was. It’s especially un-fun if you are a fat girl in a tight black dress who also happens to be the wedding videographer (my partner filmed the actual ceremony, I filmed everything else except activities I felt I was duty-bound to participate in as a bridesmaid- such as cutting a rug on the dance floor, trying to catch the bouquet, having endless photos taken of the wedding party by the grooms annoying photographer sister) and subsequently has to watch hours of video in which all else is eclipsed by her own rotundity. I’ve been a little depressed since then- all my girlfriends are seriously paired off or married, I’m fatter than any girl I know, my life is in order these days- more than it’s ever been, except the diet thing is like the last vestige of my unfortunate former self. This blog really helped me embark on the dieting process and stay involved in it: I need to get back into it immediately, because I really do feel like shit and I have enough time now to easily devote a few hours each day to working out, cooking and generally caring for my body, which is completely in shambles. Every time something upsets me, I want to reach for a cardboard tube of Pringles or something else horrific and processed. The town I live in is completely obsessed with healthful living and I have un-paralleled access to delicious organic food from our miraculously affordable co-op and our incredible farmers market and our great seafood and meat shop where I can get oysters pulled from the bay this very morning. I love to cook, love to eat well and healthfully, and I know this is what makes me feel best, I just need to push myself a little back into it. I’m furious with myself- I don’t want to have my youth consumed by being fat. I just split up with the guy I was seeing for a couple months, David, and I haven’t had sex with anyone in nine months, almost, because my body confidence is at an all-time low. David and I went out on probably ten dates and it was starting to get weird, on my part, that I didn’t want to do very much in the physical intimacy department- and it’s not because I wouldn’t like to have sex with someone I’m seeing casually. I just couldn’t bear the thought of him seeing me in all my cellulited glory and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to really enjoy myself for this reason. With Jason, who was my last REAL boyfriend, I knew I wasn’t going to be with him for the long haul, but we really liked each other and I was with him long enough (18 months) that I felt really comfortable. These days, I just feel like I don’t have time to devote so much energy to maintaining and developing relationships with guys who I’m not really serious about. The physical confidence issue is such a big, boring one, I don’t really want to trot it out with someone unless I know I like them enough to one day love them. I feel like I’m secure enough in my adult life now to not get over-involved or crazy if I started sleeping with someone, to maintain my independence and sense of agency, and now that I’ve finally arrived at this stability that has for my entire life eluded me, I’m too self-conscious to fuck anyone. Oh, sweet irony. Anyhow, I know if I work out regularly for two months, get back into the habit, my former sexual confidence will return, even if I don’t lose any weight. The workout thing is another thing I know for sure: when I work out three or four times a week, my life is better in every way. I hate the disconnect between thought and action on these, the two crucial issues that are bringing me down these days: eating and exercise habits.

So, I’m going back to the original plan, for real this time. I’ve been a procrastinator my whole life and I’ve been procrastinating about getting back into diet mode for months. I have to stop it and start being accountable to myself again. I need to get a food diary on this blog, in detail and honestly; that really helped me before and I know it will make things easier again. So that’s the plan: I’m starting tomorrow. My birthday, incidentally, is one month from tomorrow and I want to lose ten more pounds by then. That’s my goal and I’m going to spend the next thirty days sticking to my plan and getting geared up to be a model of self-restraint over the impending holiday season.

still stressed

angelina — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 08:10:12 +0000

Things are going okay. I’ve been eating like a crazed rhino this week but generally am losing weight (slowly). The end of the quarter is nearing, at which point I will have a three week break, which happens to coincide with a somewhat dead time in my project schedule at work. I plan to get reacquainted with blogging every day, during that time. But until then, keep on truckin and stay positive, ladies!

small business woes

angelina — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:13:38 +0000

I have had almost no time to write on this blog- my partner on the documentary film I’ve been working on this year and I decided about a month ago to start a web marketing business and adding those additional 30 hours per week on top of school, the movie, my personal life and the needs of my dogs has put me into stress overload. Also, writing overload- I’m responsible for the blog text on our own website, for the text for the three website projects we have for the business and I’m also working very hard on my This American Life internship application. The business is actually going great and I am feeling fulfilled and happy in most aspects of my life. Fortunately, this means that I have had not much time to eat junk food or laze about. I have not exactly been on a strict diet but I’ve been somewhat restrictive about what I eat- until today. Today I ate a footlong subway sandwich and a whole box of white cheddar cheezits- I have no excuse; I was actually sitting around relaxing, chomping down crackers, when all of a sudden I realized the whole damn box was gone. I also ate about fifteen mini-carrots with hummus. I now feel sick and bloated from the crackers, but I’m moving on from it. I am actually losing weight, but I feel I really need to work up a regular exercise schedule. Watching the Olympics this past week has really made me miss regular swimming (and how about that adorable swimming machine Michael Phelps, hmm? I don’t feel a swelling of patriotic pride too often given the current administration, but watching him accomplish what he did really makes me feel proud of America). I know I’ve mentioned this before and I’ve been swimming occasionally at the college pool, but I think maybe a regular swimming regimen might be my way out of this mess. I swam competitively for years when I was younger (and I was very good at it and that workout never felt like a chore) and always loved it. I ordered a new racing swimsuit today and I’m going to pick up some goggles and a swim cap tomorrow. I’m going to try to swim in the mornings and get on a more regulated sleeping schedule. I’m an unreformed night owl and I largely control my own schedule so some nights I stay up until five or six in the morning and then wake up very late. I do my best work between 7pm and 1 am. But I think a 10 to 11 am swim and 9 am wakeup time might help me get into the regimented mindframe I need to maintain a diet. I think this is a good, workable exercise plan to supplement dog walks and stationary biking. I’ve got to get back in good shape.

ongoing struggle

angelina — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 05:49:51 +0000

I’ve literally had no time to write lately- I am stretched to maximum capacity in terms of work and hours in the day right now. The diet is off track- not badly, but I’m having good days and bad days, and I haven’t been getting enough exercise. Five weeks until the wedding and I need to be able to wear my sexy dress with the pride of the consistent exerciser and dieter. This weekend I’m doing a thorough cleaning of my filthy, chaotic house and cooking a bunch of healthy food for consumption during the next week or two. That will make me feel better; I’m also going to take a long hike with the dogs and complete the art project I started last weekend. And I’m going to eat lightly and healthfully. That’s the plan.

yak attack II

angelina — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 07:26:55 +0000

Drove to Yakima today; did not eat all day (unless you count five diet pepsis), then went to dinner with my sister, Thai food. Ate 3 small spring rolls (fried, not the healthiest choice but i was freaking STARVED), and phad see ew- rice noodles with broccoli, chicken, egg, bean sprouts, soy and peanut sauce. After dinner I ate a piece of chocolate at my grandmothers new apartment and two low-calorie fudgecicles (60 calories apiece and actually quite satisfying). I need to eat three squares tomorrow and not let this erratic eating schedule continue. Just because I am at my parents house does not mean I will binge or neglect exercise as a crucial component of my day (say three times, then repeat!). Wish me luck- parents house is always a food trap for me. I will be happy on Monday if I have exercised all three days and not had a binge episode of any kind. That’s my goal.

well. . .

angelina — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 04:56:48 +0000

Things are going all right, mostly staying on track. I’m having more trouble sticking to my exercise plan, as I’ve been smoking too much and there’s nothing that takes the fun out of working out like smoking five cigarettes immediately beforehand. I’m still having trouble feeling motivated and in control but generally things are going fine. I ate a chicken breast Subway sandwich today (half at 11 am and half at 3), one donut and a ginger ale (I don’t know, I was hanging out with my pregnant buddy, things just got away from me). Tomorrow will be great.

fast food

angelina — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 09:39:39 +0000

Well, today was horrible. I didn’t eat all day (busy, stressed, don’t know), then at nine I ate a bacon cheeseburger with fries. I never, ever eat fast food, even when I’m off my diet plan and steer clear of even homemade hamburgers, usually, but once I got it in my head, it was like the car steered itself. Fuck.