Also, this is an easy, elegant, reasonable desert to bring to any party (I just made one today for my knocked up friend and her future husband), and not a terribly guilt inducing one either.In a cuisinart or food processor, grind up one box organic ginger snaps with five or six tablespoons low fat margarine spread until it is crumbly.  Press this down into a pie or small cake pan.  Place sliced peaches, nectarines or pears (my favorite is ripe nectarines) in one layer atop the bottom crust.  Brush with orange or apricot marmalade or preserves mixed with about an ounce of warm water.  Bake for 20-25 minutes.  This is a delicious desert, served with sour cream or creme fraiche or just by it’s lonesome.  It can also be made into a delicious vegan pastry by replacing the butter or margarine used in the normal recipe with Earth Balance or another non-dairy spread.  I know desert recipes are pretty much the LAST thing I should be posting in a diet blog but as someone who does a lot of cooking and entertaining, I’m always looking for easy convenient recipes that use seasonal ingredients and are tasty and fast. Enjoy!

My computer is acting up a bit again, so I’m hoping it’s not a preview of another spectacular technological shutdown.  Decent day today.        Food breakdown: no breakfast.  For lunch, I ate about two thirds of a teriyaki meal (rice, teriyaki chicken, chicken katsu, seaweed salad).  I had a big gap between lunch at noon and the next time I ate, at nine pm: a salad with 1 can tuna, lettuce, carrots, tomatoes and olives, with sesame vinaigrette.  I also ate about two servings of cheese (an incredible farm-made gouda from austria that I splurged on and was worth every penny) and sliced turkey, and five ginger snaps (dammit).  I have a very busy next couple of days and I’m just going to try to stay the course.  No exercise today, save for a brief dog walk this morning. 

Well, immediately following my claims of rededication to the diet plan and  the blog, my computer went into a complicated, incomprehensible shutdown that took nearly two weeks for the Mac store to make any sense of it.  During that time, I’ve been somewhat off track, but not horrifyingly so.  I am trying to get a handle on it and now I really have to: my best pal’s wedding was supposed to be next July, but she’s preggers, as it turns out (surprising, but happy news, considering Nancy’s wanted a baby for as long as I’ve known her), so it got bumped up to the middle of September.  I’ll have to wear a dress- she’s letting all four bridesmaids pick out black dresses in whatever style and configuration our hearts desire (bless her!).  The one I picked out is sexy and one-shouldered and form fitting enough that I am trying to somehow reconcile the literally thousands of situps that must be done before this event, as well as the ritual bridesmaid starvation and the why-am-I-not-married-yet blind panic that is at every second threatening to break loose from it’s mental chain and cause me to devolve into a raving, man-chasing lunatic.  So, back to the diet, pronto.  My food breakdown of the day was not great:  for breakfast I ate a wheat english muffin with one egg, sliced chicken, lite mayo and a tomato.  No lunch, but I did stuff a handful of stale tortilla chips down my throat around three.  Dinner was wheat pasta (all pasta has become my arch enemy for the next month and a half) with basil, tomatoes and steak.  Eh, could have been worse.  Also, ladies, thank you all for your bolstering comments on previous posts.  It really helps to know there are people out there empathizing and sending positive vibes; I am doing the same and hopefully we can collectively muster enough strength and resolve (and commitment to the damn situps or whatever) to accomplish our respective goals.  

I am really in a bad way these days. . . I can’t seem to get back on track with the diet and my life has been really hectic and unpleasant.  I planned some time tonight to look around at the blogs on this website for inspiration because I need something to help kick start me back into diet mode.  This whole month has been truly a shoddy effort for someone with almost now about 70 pounds to lose.  I’m back to feeling self-conscious and logy a lot of the time.  My work and personal life is suffering; the dogs haven’t had enough exercise, the house is gradually growing dirtier.  All these things in combination are making me feel less like a functional adult then ever- and already, it’s hard to feel like a functional adult when the evidence of my inability to take care of myself is written all over my jiggly body.  I have a whole bunch of stuff to do tomorrow, but Monday I’m going to take the day for cleaning, food preparation (healthy foods to have on hand), working out vigorously and generally trying to re-center myself in terms of the food thing.  My birthday is three months away and the holidays five; I need to not feel humiliated in front of my extended family by then and that means being on an exercise program, a healthy diet and a regimented schedule of working on all my creative projects.  When ever I feel depressed, it manifests itself in all the behaviors I’ve just described: I have trouble keeping the house clean, I eat a steady diet of food that I know makes me feel like shit and which does not even taste that good to me, I watch movies instead of working on my writing or other creative endeavors, I see less of my friends then is normal for a generally social creature like myself, I don’t work out and have trouble even walking the dogs.  People say if you don’t have the fundamentals down, it will affect you whole life; if you’re not eating, sleeping and exercising well, it is nearly impossible to keep the rest of your affairs running smoothly.  All those things have been a serious problem for me this month and I need to get back on track.  It took me such a long time to come around to really wanting to commit to the long, arduous process of losing weight that to fly off track the second month is really demoralizing.  I just need to get back into a positive mindframe, start working out everyday again and once again stock the kitchen with foods I like, which are healthy.  God, I just need to snap out of it.

It was my sister’s boyfriends birthday today- they’re having some problems and we had a rather awkward dinner tonight.  Spent the day with my grandmother; got in a long walk with the dogs for exercise, but otherwise no work out (damn it).  Food breakdown: no breakfast, nightmarish lunch at the grandma’s assisted living apartment of which I consumed about half a cup of cottage cheese, one small muffin, two tablespoons canned fruit and a cup (7oz) of tomato soup.  Ate a sandwich- multi grain bread, chicken breast (the processed kind- gross but actually tasted ridiculously delicious), sliced cheddar, mayo, mustard, jalapenos, tomatoes and lettuce.  THEN went to a late dinner with Sister and the Boyfriend: ate about one handful of chips (dammit, Mexican restaurant) with salsa, then a seafood medley in a spicy red sauce ( I took home two thirds cause of the aforementioned sammy), about half a cup of refried beans and half a cup of rice and one small corn tortilla.  Also ate one slice of birthday cake, which was carrot, but without the frosting.  That’s about it.  Long, long day.

Well, I drove over here today to help get my grandmother settled.  As usual, feeling like a big, oafish fatso compared to my relatively thin sister and mother, but whatever, I had a decent day with food.  No exercise (mucho driving).  Food breakdown: in the morning, I ate a sandwich on sourdough with sliced chicken, tomatoes, light mayo, greens and smoked cheddar.  When I got to Yakima (five fucking hours later due to holiday traffic- usually it takes three and a half), I had two small handfuls of tortilla chips, about 10 mini-carrots and two stalks of celery.  For dinner, we had sauteed shrimp with brown rice, broccoli with tahini and  salad with green-leaf lettuce, mushrooms, sprouts, chives, cucumbers and gorgonzola.  I had one small serving of light ice cream for dessert.  Not the worst day and not the best; better than I’ve had in a while, except for the exercise thing, but I will remedy that tomorrow with lots of hiking and an hour on the stationary bike (while watching the finale of Hells Kitchen online, on my laptop) and lots of playing with the dogs.

Well, I am going to try to re-commit to this blog after a long (ish) absence.  I got incredibly sick for about a week and then have been off the food wagon for a little bit.  I need to get back on track, as I’m just so sick to death of being fat.  I haven’t gained back any of the ten i lost, but I haven’t lost more either.  I need to power up and re-dedicate to this whole pain-in-the-ass process.  I have been unpleasantly busy, but i have to make the weight loss lifestyle a priority once again.  This weekend I am helping my mother get my grandma moved in to an assisted living facility.  The whole thing has been incredibly draining, confusing and upsetting.  I’m hoping that when she gets settled, after a brief adjustment period, she will be happier and safer i.e. able to socialize, not leaving the burners on, etc.  It’s going to be hard this weekend, but should get exponentially afterwards.  I’ll write tomorrow; got to get on track with detailed food breakdowns to keep myself accountable.

I’m so busy right now and I have a lot of crazy family stuff going on.  The past few days I’ve eaten like garbage.  I have to get back on track- I’m freaking out.  I can’t keep eating like this or I will undo all my hard-won progress.  Hopefully, I will have time to recollect this weekend, because i MUST get my head on straight.  It’s almost July.  My birthday is in late October, and I intend to lose a shitload of weight before then and not just in my fantasy life- in reality, through diet and exercise.  I feel so much better and happier when I’m working out a lot and eating plenty of fresh, healthy food, so why the hell am I smoking cigarettes and eating Baked Lays? I need to get my shit together (it is the name of my blog after all).

I had a total binge today- ate at a Chinese buffet, shoveled half a bag of potato chips down my throat, ate an entire bag of frosted animal cookies and half of one of those mini-wheels of brie.  What the fuck?!!  I was feeling upset today and a little shell-shocked from the family weekend.  I definitely have not had a day like this since I started this diet.  I feel like garbage, but I’m going to dust myself off and move on starting tomorrow.  I’m trying to drink a ton of water right now, to flush at least some of the nastiness I’ve consumed today.  I did not eat a single vegetable today (not even a tomato!), did not exercise, went to the movies and to the aforementioned Chinese smorgasbord lunch with one of my girlfriends.  Should have been the perfect relaxing, post-family-stress day and it would have been if I had treated my physical and emotional health with any respect.  This will NOT happen again anytime soon; I forgot how miserable it makes me.  

Everything went fine tonight- not my best meal ever, but definitely good.  My dad was pleased.  There is some really serious stuff going on with my grandmother right now, so the whole family is up in arms, but I’ll write about that tomorrow when I have even a iota of energy to spare.  Food breakdown: no breakfast, lunch was chicken\rice salad, dinner was a little of everything- 4 medium slices flank steak, serving of yakisoba noodles with veggies, coleslaw with cucumbers and red onions, 1 curried chicken skewer, three spring rolls (egg, bean sprouts, mung bean noodles, basil, chives- dipped in oyster sauce, not fried.  we used these insane rice paper spring roll wrappers, that have an amazing fresh taste- i’m totally going to use them in future culinary endeavors).  40 minutes on the stationary bike this morning.  A good day.  Also, thanks, ladies, for the supportive comments!  Will write soon, everyone stay the course, keep up the good work.