Well, yesterday was not great.  Things went fine during the day, had half a chicken breast on wheat bread with basil and light mayo for breakfast, a salad for lunch (not the healthiest salad, admittedly, as it was in a restaurant and it had soppressata, olives, tomatoes, fresh mozzerella, vinaigrette and torn up bread- that thing was delicious).  Then dinner rolled around and I made flank steak, which I was intending to have over a salad.  Instead, I made ricearoni and ate six leftover pizza rolls.  I ate  probably two cups of ricearoni (which is super disgusting in it’s own right- so salty and fatty and obviously not actual rice), about half of one full package. Then I ate about a half cup of leftover rice pudding, a mango and some dried apples.  I need to clean out my fridge because I still have stuff in there (half of the previously mentioned frozen lasagna, the rice pudding, pizza rolls etc.) that I should never eat if I’m trying to follow a diet plan.  Doing that today.  I’m trying not to be too bummed out about last night, but I’m upset and bloated and feeling like I can never get this thing done.  

Yecchh, I need to go exercise.  

Yesterdays food breakdown:

Super salad for lunch: romaine, spinach, chickpeas, tomatoes, broccoli, olives, feta, sprouts, radicchio, balsamic vinaigrette.  Dinner was a chicken and broccoli stir fry.

Had a busy day yesterday- taking it easy today, staying focused.  

So I’ve been on a break from blogging for several months now, but I have recently finished up the movie I’ve been working on, gotten my business off the ground and have a short break from school, so now is as good a time as any to jump back in head first.  I’m down about fifteen pounds since May, and haven’t really lost any weight since July.  I need to get back into it.  The past few days I have been eating myself sick and I haven’t cooked a meal this entire month (unless you count baking a frozen lasagna- my Italian grandmother would probably disown me if she ever found out).  The only salads I’ve eaten have been at restaurants.  While we were editing the movie these past four weeks, I ate a gyro and french fries virtually every day for lunch and when I did emerge from our editing lair, it was to either walk the dogs or read an actual book or pay bills or other normal things that have been completely replaced by work, work, work.  I haven’t worked out strenuously more than twice a week in two months.  But, no more!  While I have a certain amount of anxiety about NOT having this huge project in my life any more, I’m happy to have this whole thing removed from my plate (at least for now, or until we decide we want to re-edit the whole beast).  Also, my friend Nancy’s wedding was two weeks ago and though I loved my dress and felt great during the actual ceremony (I LOVE a wedding and had a large hand in planning this one;  so fun and romantic, and everyone gets drunk after the parents all leave and tons of cute groomsmen to dance and flirt with), it is never fun to be the fattest girl in a wedding.  And I definitely was.  It’s especially un-fun if you are a fat girl in a tight black dress who also happens to be the wedding videographer (my partner filmed the actual ceremony, I filmed everything else except activities I felt I was duty-bound to participate in as a bridesmaid- such as cutting a rug on the dance floor, trying to catch the bouquet, having endless photos taken of the wedding party by the grooms annoying photographer sister) and subsequently has to watch hours of video in which all else is eclipsed by her own rotundity. I’ve been a little depressed since then- all my girlfriends are seriously paired off or married, I’m fatter than any girl I know, my life is in order these days- more than it’s ever been, except the diet thing is like the last vestige of my unfortunate former self.  This blog really helped me embark on the dieting process and stay involved in it:  I need to get back into it immediately, because I really do feel like shit and I have enough time now to easily devote a few hours each day to working out, cooking and generally caring for my body, which is completely in shambles.  Every time something upsets me, I want to reach for a cardboard tube of Pringles or something else horrific and processed.  The town I live in is completely obsessed with healthful living and I have un-paralleled access to delicious organic food from our miraculously affordable co-op and our incredible farmers market and our great seafood and meat shop where I can get oysters pulled from the bay this very morning.  I love to cook, love to eat well and healthfully, and I know this is what makes me feel best, I just need to push myself a little back into it.  I’m furious with myself- I don’t want to have my youth consumed by being fat.  I just split up with the guy I was seeing for a couple months, David, and I haven’t had sex with anyone in nine months, almost, because my body confidence is at an all-time low.  David and I went out on probably ten dates and it was starting to get weird, on my part, that I didn’t want to do very much in the physical intimacy department- and it’s not because I wouldn’t like to have sex with someone I’m seeing casually.  I just couldn’t bear the thought of him seeing me in all my cellulited glory and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to really enjoy myself for this reason.  With Jason, who was my last REAL boyfriend, I knew I wasn’t going to be with him for the long haul, but we really liked each other and I was with him long enough (18 months) that I felt really comfortable.  These days, I just feel like I don’t have time to devote so much energy to maintaining and developing relationships with guys who I’m not really serious about.  The physical confidence issue is such a big, boring one, I don’t really want to trot it out with someone unless I know I like them enough to one day love them. I feel like I’m secure enough in my adult life now to not get over-involved or crazy if I started sleeping with someone, to maintain my independence and sense of agency, and now that I’ve finally arrived at this stability that has for my entire life eluded me, I’m too self-conscious to fuck anyone. Oh, sweet irony.  Anyhow, I know if I work out regularly for two months, get back into the habit, my former sexual confidence will return, even if I don’t lose any weight.  The workout thing is another thing I know for sure: when I work out three or four times a week, my life is better in every way.  I hate the disconnect between thought and action on these, the two crucial issues that are bringing me down these days: eating and exercise habits.  

     So, I’m going back to the original plan, for real this time.  I’ve been a procrastinator my whole life and I’ve been procrastinating about getting back into diet mode for months.  I have to stop it and start being accountable to myself again.  I need to get a food diary on this blog, in detail and honestly; that really helped me before and I know it will make things easier again.  So that’s the plan: I’m starting tomorrow.   My birthday, incidentally, is one month from tomorrow and I want to lose ten more pounds by then.  That’s my goal and I’m going to spend the next thirty days sticking to my plan and getting geared up to be a model of self-restraint over the impending holiday season.

Things are going okay.  I’ve been eating like a crazed rhino this week but generally am losing weight (slowly).  The end of the quarter is nearing, at which point I will have a three week break, which happens to coincide with a somewhat dead time in my project schedule at work.  I plan to get reacquainted with blogging every day, during that time.  But until then, keep on truckin and stay positive, ladies!