Angel Food (lowfat)

Well, my foray back into the land of the 150s was a short trip! I weighed in yesterday at 163.4. So… I gained how much in a week? Nearly 4 lbs? Eek!

After momentarily feeling like I wanted to crack the little scale display, I decided that I cannot stress about this weight gain. Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting a major loss since it was such a big family weekend with no points-counting involved. I wasn’t expecting such a big gain, either, but what can I do about it? I can’t change what I did (biscuits and gravy, cake, calzone, brisket, cookies…) or didn’t do (exercise, count points)last week. All I can do is work toward the future. So, I’m back to counting points, and I’ve been to the gym 3 days in a row.

Perhaps the best news of this past week is that I resolved to be confident at my brother’s wedding. I was going to wear a purple and brown, long-sleeved, autumnal dress. It would have been pretty, but I would have shrunk into the background. Instead, I took a risk and wore my favorite bubble-skirt blue tank dress with a gorgeous jewel-toned turquoise jacket. Recently,  since I’ve gained weight, I’ve let myself fade into the background. I don’t want people to look at me and think, “too bad, she’s not as skinny as she once was.” But, honestly, I can’t control what others say and think. What I can control is how I feel about myself.

Last weekend, I decided to feel beautiful. And, you know what? I not only felt beautiful; I also felt totally invigorated. Just the experience of feeling beautiful has given me the motivation I need to move on from my weight gain and to not lose faith as I try to lose weight. I’m actually looking forward to keep “working the plan” (as my friend in AA says), and I anticipate great results.

Last weekend was my brother’s wedding. With all the excitement of this blessed event, I forgot to post my weigh in results. My last Thursday weigh-in was a gem - 159.8. It’s been a couple months since I’ve dipped below 160, so I was thrilled to be back in the land of the 150s!

One’s brother only gets married once (one hopes!), so I didn’t worry about dieting over the weekend. I weighed myself Monday (why do I still torture myself like this?). The results weren’t good - too much wedding cake, I suppose. I avoided the buttercream, but the raspberry mousse filling was absolutely dreamy! On the plus side, I worked out last night for the first time in weeks, doing a new weight routine for arms and revisiting an old ab workout. I feel good and strong today and plan on doing some cardio this evening. Since I’m back into my healthy routine, I’ll cut myself some slack tomorrow if my weigh-in isn’t ideal. But, I’ll be sure to weigh-in to keep myself focused and on track.

I gave up last week. I threw up my hands in dismay. I was exhausted from failing. My weight loss has been stalled out for nearly two years! I’ve been somewhere between 153 and 162 since the fall of 2006 - nowhere near the 210 I was at my highest, but still a few sizes away from my beloved size 8 jeans. (I own one pair of size sixes, but I’m not crazy about them…) Somewhere on Thursday, I stopped my food journaling and decided that exercising was just not happening. I needed to reevaluate. Clearly, my half-hearted attempts at weight loss had become more trying than the times when I worked hard to lose weight.

On Sunday, my weekly Monday morning weigh in looming, I found myself with a choice to make. Do I, for the umpteenth time this year, stop my food diary, stop counting points, and stop working out? Or, do I do what it really takes to lose weight? New marriage looming, I realized that I must choose the second option. I don’t want to become a new wife weighed down by feelings of failure and disappointment. I want to start my new life feeling strong and healthy. I’m marrying a pilot who’s six years my junior, for goodness’ sakes, I need to be able to keep up with him!

After that little epiphany (yes, one can skip church and still be given epiphanies), I immediately set about finding my old WW points logs from 2005. Thank God that I saved them. I wanted to see what I did that made me so successful in weight loss a few years ago. How dedicated was I really? See, I have been telling myself lately that I can count points ever so loosely and still succeed. My journals tell a different story. I was shocked to read how faithful I was at points counting. I seriously stuck to the plan? Oh yes. On weeks that I went over my points allowance, I usually didn’t lose anything or gained a little bit. Another thing I noticed is that I regularly ate all of my recommended fruits and vegetables. I was the fiber queen!

Sitting in my kitchen on Sunday, with all these old WW journals in front of me,  I felt a strange combination of annoyance and relief. Annoyance  - that I’ve not been wanting to admit that someone else’s plan worked so well for me. (I am too gosh darn defiant and independent at times.) Relief - that there was something out there that worked for me. So, today, I am proudly giving up my own stubborn ways and am back on my the WW points plan (22 base, 35 flex a week). I’ve been fibering up and feel much less hungry than if I’d just been subsisting on cheese and crackers (re: last week’s breakfasts).  I’ll check in here again during the week to report on whether or not I’m ready to cannibalize myself from hunger (likely, I’ll be ok). I hope to report my weigh in results regularly on Mondays from now on (nothing like some accountability to start the week). For someone like me who likes to feel so in control, it actually feels kind of good to tell my little points log that it is to be my guide.

Today’s weigh in: 160.6 

Sometimes weight loss just doesn’t make any sense. My family threw a graduation party for me on Saturday with a buffet laden with, among other things, pulled pork barbecue, sliced smoked brisket, a “southern caprese salad,” and key lime pie. I ate with abandon, not counting any points. Still, I lost 2.2 lbs last week. Most likely, the nice scale victory occurred because I was diligent about cooking last week and really enjoyed my meals. Also, I worked out twice. That’s not great, but it is a 100% improvement over the week before.

This week, I’m planning to make a weight watchers recipe - a chicken and cabbage salad with soy dressing. I’ve had mixed luck with WW recipes - sometimes they can turn out tasteless or glommy from the lack of fat. The recipe I’m going to try tomorrow night calls for fat-free mayo, which I find pasty and gross. I’m going sub in reduced fat mayo instead. Since the original only has 3 points/serving, I figure that I can afford to add a few extra points to the recipe.

I’m a good cook but sometimes can be a strict recipe person. It feels good to realize that I can tweak recipes to suit my palate, the ingredients I have on hand, etc. and still make them work. I’m slowly starting to accept how to incorporate dieting back into my lifestyle. I really have to make it work for me instead of trying to shoehorn myself and my personal tastes into a way of being that are counter to who I am. Now, let’s just hope that chicken salad with a ginger soy dressing tastes good!

My weight this morning was 157.6; I lost a pound last week.  When I have a week with a loss, I know that I should view that week as a success. However, as usual, I lost that pound the first two days of WW points counting for the week and stalled out over the weekend. (Perhaps “stalled out” is too kind - my weekend dieting can be more like a series of fender benders.) Monday and Tuesday, also as usual, I sputtered through my dieting. I drove along healthily throughout the day, then stalled out while nibbling on cupcakes and Girl Scout cookies late in the evening. 

I think an issue that I need to overcome is my resistance to accepting a lifestyle change. I’m not comfortable with my life as it is, with its size 12 jeans and evening boredom; yet, I’ve not committed to making the necessary changes to lose weight and feel energized again. Why is that? Probably because my life the way it is now is easy. If I really committed to getting back down to a size 8, then I’d have to put in real effort. I’d feel hungry from eating less. I’d feel sore from exercising more. But, I’d probably feel better about myself. 

I don’t yet know how this week is going to go. I’d like to be optimistic and say I’ll be a perfect points counter and hit the gym 4 times. But, I just don’t now that I can make that promise. Instead, maybe I’ll focus on one major change - weekend points counting. Usually, somewhere around 5pm Friday, I put my food diary in my bag and don’t dig it out again until Monday morning. This weekend, I’ll be faithful about counting every point I eat. I’ve still got a few days to psych myself up for this challenge. I think this small strategy could make a big difference in curbing my sputters and stalls until my next Wednesday a.m. weigh in.

My weigh in this morning reflected 155.6 lbs, a loss of .6 lbs last week. As usual, my weight loss is puttering along slower than I’d like, but still I happily say “woo-hoo” to my few ounces of progress. 

I had some interesting moments while eating last week that I’d like to share. Having been writing my meals fairly faithfully for a few weeks now (weekends are still a problem), I’m much more conscious that apparently my diet can be pretty carb-o-riffic. When I make dinner, I may make one carb side dish. But, while eating at my parents’ house or dining in a restaurant, I’ve noticed just how often two or more carbs are offered as choices. Mashed potatoes and a biscuit? Rice and bread? Pasta with a cake chaser? It’s all a bit much, isn’t it?

I’m not some anti-carb Atkins or South Beach nut, but I recognize that I’m not getting a lot of nutritional bang for my buck by eating refined white flour products. I’m a fan of some whole grain products out there, like whole wheat pasta, bulgar, and whole grain Krispy Kremes . Yet,  I’ve still a ways to go to accept other whole grain foods. Despite years of trying, I have yet to identify the charm of brown rice. So, instead of finding whole grain substitutes for all of my carbs, my focus lately has been on just eating half of whatever carbs find their way to my plate. I was visiting my fiance this weekend, and he was impressed when I simply ate half a serving of potatoes and bread at mealtimes. In addition to cutting down on carbs, I’ve been totally loading up on vegetables. My mom gave me a startled look the other night when I took a whole forest of broccoli florets for dinner. I have learned, though, that whereas bread makes me feel very much like a stuffed potato, vegs leave me feeling satisfied yet light. So, it is baby steps for me for now, substituting vegetables for carbs as I write what I eat. Still, I have an eensy bit of hope that perhaps, one day, I’ll be the queen of quinoa.

Ok. My weight went up again this past week to 159.0. I wish I could innocently say, “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong!” But, I can’t. I know exactly what I’m doing wrong. I am eating too much food. My food diary isn’t helping me to keep the amount of what I eat in check the way I thought it would. I’m contemplating rejoining Weight Watchers online for a month to see if that will get me back into eating reasonably again. But, I hate to pay money to the program when I know how it works. grrr…

I’ve taken a few breaths now and feel more calm.  

I recognize that while I’ve been dedicating myself to eating better foods and making better choices (this past week’s Mexican food, notwithstanding),  I haven’t been dedicating myself to really “watching” what I eat. This week, I’m making it my goal to be mindful of how much, not just what, I’m eating. What was it that Round said several posts back? Eating to satisfy is much different than eating what one desires. When something tastes really, really good, I desire more of it. But, to achieve my health goals, then I need eat only what will satisfy me.

This morning I weighed 154.4. I’m down 1.6 lbs from my last weigh in a week ago. I did pretty well diet-wise this week, eating very healthily at the start of the week (homemade eggplant salad and a chickpea stew). The end of the week wasn’t the healthiest, but I watched my portions well. I’ve been busy so my blogs have taken a back seat. However, knowing that I’d be blogging my weight today kept me motivated throughout the week.

Finals week is upon me, stirring up lots of old issues. One of the reasons I dropped out of college when I was younger was that I was so plaqued with thoughts of failure. (Failure, for me, was anything less than an “A.”) I would procrastinate and procrastinate until I was overwhelmed by work. I often slept my way through finals week, telling myself I’d study in bed. But, I always just fell asleep. I’m not overwhelmed with exhaustion and depression as I was when I was younger, but it is taxing to still be fighting the old fears.  

I don’t mean to wallow. I realize how boring it is to read someone else’s wallowing blog entry. It’s just that I’ve been tired lately from trying so hard to maintain my 4.0 in school, to remain close with my boyfriend who lives in a different state, and to lose weight with everything else going on… I know this state of being is only temporary. My finals will be over tomorrow afternoon, and I will then be only one class away from graduating in May (13 years after finishing high school!).  Tomorrow night, I’ll be able to get to sleep at a decent hour and wake up for a regular day at work. Things I’ve been putting off as I worked on my final projects, like yoga, a job search, Christmas preparations, etc., will fill up my evenings. Soon enough, my wheels will stop spinning and I’ll start moving forward again.

My little streak of losing weight each week has come to an abrupt halt - the scales read 156.0 this morning. That’s a one pound gain for those of you who are counting. Oddly enough, I’m not beating myself up over this small gain, probably because I’m too busy beating myself up over other things. I had really good momentum going there for a while. I was kicking butt at school, was more focused at work, was losing weight, etc. , but I became absolutely mired down this past week. Was it fear, apathy, PMS that caused this slow down? Does the cause even matter, or should I just focus on a solution?

I’ve always had a problem with over-analyzing things (see my last blog post, if you must). “Doing” becomes difficult for me because I spend too much time fretting things over in my head. I have a deep, genuine desire to be a “do-er.” I’ve had this desire ever since I was a little kid. Yet, I let myself get overwhelmed with fear and worry to the point that I procratstinate or, at the worst times, totally avoid doing things. So, what am I putting off? I have a paper to write, a photography assignment to complete, and some weight to lose. When I put the words down in writing in front of me (instead of scirbbling them furiously in a planner), this to-do list seems utterly acheivable. I see how ridiculous I’m being. And, I realize how lucky I am that my to-do list isn’t something like, “avoid mortar shells, figure out where dinner is coming from, and find a nice sturdy newspaper to sleep under.”

I’ve got to remember not to be overwhelmed by the work I have to do. Instead, I want to be the kind of person who sees all the resources she has to work with.

Since this is a weight loss blog, not a paper-writing or photography blog, I’ll remind myself of the techniques I talked about in my November 19 post. This is what I’ll do this week to work on 21 lbs I want to see gone. And, I’ll do my very best to keep things in perspective and to keep moving forward.

Technique 1 - I’ll record what I eat

Technique 2 -  I’ll eat real meals and not snack.

Technique 3 - I’ll be kind to myself.

With more than a teensy bit of curiosity, I stepped on the scale this morning for my weekly weigh in. I weighed 155.0 - a .2 loss for the week. I recently read a blog entry by Round about how she doesn’t think it helpful to obsess over what the scale says. Despite my weekly weigh ins, I have to agree with her. The scale is simply a way for me to check in with myself and track my progress. The real weight loss work isn’t pushing the numbers on the scale further and further down. No, the real work comes with changing your lifestyle habits - eating well, finding exercise you can do regularly, maintaining some semblance of balance, and generally treating oneself better. Still, you will find me celebrating every ounce that the scale registers as gone. After beating myself up for decades, it only makes sense to give myself a pat on the back as the pounds come off and I work toward a balanced life and better health.

Sitting down to the Thanksgiving feast with my family, I realized that I wanted to try everything. But, for once, I didn’t want to feel ill after eating the meal. I doubled up on my mom’s cornbread dressing. (It’s the only time for a year I will have the chance to eat it, so why not?) But, I also was mindful of putting more green beans (freshly sauteed with garlic) and roasted asparagus on my plate than sweet potatoes. The dessert we ate a few hours later also did duty as dinner. I’ve been afraid of the big holidays in years past because I just knew that I’d over do it and gain weight. No, I didn’t have a huge loss of weight this Thanksgiving, but something better happened.  I realized that even feasting can be about balance and celebration can coexist with losing weight.