Angel Food (lowfat)

Last weekend was my brother’s wedding. With all the excitement of this blessed event, I forgot to post my weigh in results. My last Thursday weigh-in was a gem - 159.8. It’s been a couple months since I’ve dipped below 160, so I was thrilled to be back in the land of the 150s!

One’s brother only gets married once (one hopes!), so I didn’t worry about dieting over the weekend. I weighed myself Monday (why do I still torture myself like this?). The results weren’t good - too much wedding cake, I suppose. I avoided the buttercream, but the raspberry mousse filling was absolutely dreamy! On the plus side, I worked out last night for the first time in weeks, doing a new weight routine for arms and revisiting an old ab workout. I feel good and strong today and plan on doing some cardio this evening. Since I’m back into my healthy routine, I’ll cut myself some slack tomorrow if my weigh-in isn’t ideal. But, I’ll be sure to weigh-in to keep myself focused and on track.

I had a strange little weekend in Florida these past few days. My pilot, his dad, and I had planned to go to the beach (my double-digit sized tankini be darned), but the mean Navy scheduler decided that my fiancé couldn’t have the day off after all. So, my darling pilot-in-training cursed and went flying with an embittered instructor pilot (who, no lie, started the flight by saying, “I’d rather be with my kids right now than flying with you”) while my future father-in-law and I spent the day together at the beach.

I love my FFIL, but he can be an annoyingly randy old man. He’s not creepy toward me (well, there was that one time he drunk dialed me), but he’s the kind of man who admits to watching Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade simply because “she’s stacked.” Yeah. One of those men. I still haven’t quite figured out how he spawned my lovely husband to be.

Before hitting the beach, FFIL and I lunched at one of those tourist trap restaurants that dot the Gulf Coast. Our waitress blessedly steered us away from all of the fried seafood, suggesting that we try a grilled Amberjack sandwich for lunch. It was truly the best piece of grilled fish I’ve ever had and totally worth sitting through a day with the FFIL checking out women half his age. After lunch, I did my best to enjoy my time with said FFIL and not drown in the red flag surf. We got absolutely pounded by the waves. I’m usually an ocean gal, but it was stressful constantly bracing ourselves against the whitecaps breaking over our heads. Somehow, even with all the beautiful women on the beach, I managed to avoid freaking out about being in a bathing suit. Until, that is, my FFIL decided to take some photos of me jumping over the waves. I saw myself in a picture and thought, “dear Lord, where is my muscle tone?”

It was such a frustration to look at pictures of myself and still feel so dissatisfied with my image. Immediately, my thoughts turned to scrambling for my cover up, never eating again, or just eating everything because darn-it I have made no progress dieting in the past year and a half. But, I realized that I couldn’t let my frustration morph into desperation. You know the desperation I’m referring to? The one that means eating an itty bitty dinner because it’s low in calories, only to see your diet melt into a hungry puddle of butter later in the evening?

So, despite being unhappy with the state of my flabby midsection and arms, I didn’t eat a grilled chicken salad for dinner.  No, I ate quite lovely grilled steak and shrimp kebabs. I also ate a little bread (just a little), a little rice, and most of my grilled veggies. I even drank a non-light beer. I felt satisfied and not over full. I repeated the same dining process on Saturday and Sunday, refusing to think about dieting, instead thinking about enjoying my meals. I ate what I wanted, and not too much of it, and I lost 1.5 lbs this weekend. Perhaps this is how thin people eat?

So, I just finished reading Julie and Julia, the book about the Julie/Julia Project. If you don’t know what the J/J Project is, er, was, it was a raucous blog about one woman’s obsessional cooking through Mastering the Art of French Cooking (524 recipes) in the span of just one year. It was also the first food blog that I regularly read. I loved it as an antidote to my Gourmet and Bon Appetit magazines, publications that have you believing that there’s something wrong with you if you balk at paying $28/lb for organic chanterelles. (I actually spent that on mushrooms one Thanksgiving, although I only bought 1/4 of a lb for the salad course, thinking I’d ruin the precious recipe if I substituted a cheaper fungus. Sadly, the chanterelle and pear salad was possibly the most underwhelming plate of food I’ve ever eaten on Thanksgiving.) Well, having finally finished the book about the blog, I find myself wanting to cook, and write, and give my little spin on the recipes I encounter.

Also, I still want to lose weight.

Here’s the deal, though. With the exception of the recipes in Cooking Light, I nearly always hate any recipe that purports to be low-fat, low-cal, or ”points-friendly.” (I most especially have hated the “points-friendly” recipes written by Weight Watchers.) But, since I love to cook and love to eat yet still have 10-20 lbs to lose (depending on how nice I’m being to myself), I most definitely need to focus on low-fat, good-for-me comestibles. So, my plan going forward for my 3fc blog is: when I’m feeling a bit lazy, I’ll cook and share tasty recipes I come across in Cooking Light; when I’m feeling more spirited, I hope to revamp others’ recipes to make them a little more healthful (or, in the case of the WW recipes, a lot more tasty).

I’ve not yet picked out a first recipe to write about here. I’m in Florida this weekend visiting my pilot-in-training fiance, praying that he rocks his checkride this afternoon and the visual navigation route later tonight. He’ll not be in from his two flights until about 11pm or so. That leaves me about 6 1/2 hours to do a bit of recipe research and experimentation. Now, where did I leave my uppity Aug 08 Gourmet?

 So, 14 years after graduating from high school, I finally finished up college last Thursday. It’s still sinking in that I don’t have to study my way through my weeknights anymore.  I’ve not quite figured out what to do with myself. I have a wedding to plan, although we can’t set a date yet. I’m definitely in limbo, just waiting, waiting, waiting for the military to tell my DF what his pilot training schedule will be for the next year. But, I’m determined not to get too frustrated by this whole limbo thing. After all, I graduate in just a few days with a 4.0 GPA. Not too shabby for a former college dropout!

Also, the week back on Weight Watchers went really well for me. I lost 4.2 lbs! Now, I know that’s generally too rapid a loss, but there’s always an adjustment period the first week back on points. Perhaps more important than the number on the scale, my DF and I had a real breakthrough with our eating habits when I visited him this past weekend. He actually didn’t protest too loudly when I refused to go to Waffle House for breakfast. (Funny, I still ate a waffle for breakfast - although it was half a belgian waffle with no whipped cream or butter.) For dinner, we took advantage of his living so near the water and got shrimp and flounder from an amazing fish market (the boats unload their catch directly behind the counter). I’ve never had such fresh seafood in my life! Silly to say, maybe, but it was a real step forward for us not to dine out at every meal and make healthy choices at home.

This week, I’ve no big plans to go to Pensacola, so staying on points should go just as well as, if not better than, last week. Now, I’ve no expectations for another four lbs gone, but two sure would be nice.

Friday evening I had an argument with someone close to me, and I ended up staying in a funk all day on Saturday. I hate that I am an emotional eater. For years, I thought that I was overweight/obese (depending on the moment in time) simply because I love good food. I love to cook. I love to eat. But, I know that I’m heavier than I should be because whenever I feel off kilter or out of sorts, I tend to turn to food. I’m not a big snacker or one who furtively eats straight out of the cupboard or fridge. Instead, I like the celebration of a mealtime gathering with friends or family. I’ve not yet mastered how to enjoy a fun meal without eating too much. When I lost down to 135 lbs, I did so largely by avoiding celebration meals or dining out. Of course, I was also terribly lonely that year.

Now, I’m trying to strike the balance - enjoying evenings out with friends, celebrations with family, etc. while eating appropriately for my health goals. Last night, however, the confluence of an evening out with friends with my feeling terrible about the fight I had wreaked havoc on my week’s weight loss progress. For dinner, I chose shrimp soft tacos, probably one of healthier choices at the local Mexican restaurant, washed down with 3/4 of a pitcher (!!) of margaritas. About halfway through my meal I actually thought, “I’m not hungry any more. I’m actually quite full.” But, emotionally empty and drained from my argument and restless sleep the night before, I kept eating and drinking. It was as if by physically overstuffing myself, somehow I could nourish and fill up my emotional life.

I can, and will, move on from my Mexican restaurant debauchery of last night. In some ways, maybe the experience will even wind up being good for me. I identified the dangerous combination of feeling empty emotionally and a celebration-type meal. The next time I feel like I might encounter such a struggle, I’m going to reach out to someone - bloggers, my oh so helpful brother, perhaps even the one I hurt. In my church, we are encouraged to resolve conflicts and sins with others before we approach the communion table. Perhaps, for me, I need to do the same whenever I approach the dinner table.

This morning, my scales read 155.2 - a 1.6 pound weight loss for the week. Now, that’s a result a girl can be happy with! I have finally hit my weight loss stride. Who knows where my motivation wanders off to? I’m just glad that the prodigal has returned, and I welcome it with open arms!

The next time my motivation goes on a bender, I’ll refer back to this entry to review my techniques for a successful weight loss week. So, here’s what I did during the week:

Technique 1 - I recorded what I ate. Monday - Thursday, I was the food diary queen. I wrote down my meals, sans point values or calories, and noted the WW “good health guidelines” that I acheived - fruits and vegs, dairy, H2O, exercise, and vitamins.  When I got home Friday, I put away my little yellow notebook. This wasn’t planned, just forgetfulness on my part. I had a moment this morning when I said, “oh hello there,” to the notebook before putting it with my purse to go to work with me. Despite the lack of recording over the weekend, I think I did fine because of technique 2…

Technique 2 - I ate real meals and did not snack. I love food. I crave complete meals. I do not do well with the six mini-meals concept that so many people swear by when losing weight. So, this week I made a concerted effort to enjoy my meals (sometimes even eating ice cream!) and to put away the snacks. I ate just until satisfied and no more; I allowed myself to get decently hungry before eating again. This technique worked really well, and I plan on keeping it up this week!

Technique 3 - I was kind to myself. I finally owned up to the fact that I might very well make a weight loss mistake every single day. I realized that I didn’t have to be perfect in order to lose weight. I enjoyed eating real food with real fat and real calories. If I made a mistake, I simply acknowledged it and told myself to make a better choice next time.

I’m looking forward to my weigh in next week to see how I do over the holidays. Last year, I was freaked out as the holidays approached. I knew that pumpkin pie and stuffing could decimate my points allowances. I was terrified of gaining weight. I found myself eating little at meals, then finding pieces of candy or another spoonful of potatoes to feel full. I wound up putting on a couple of pounds. This year, I’m not afraid that I’ll gain weight. It’s odd, but I’m confident that I’ll keep losing weight during the holidays. I’m not thinking about point values at all. Instead, I’m thinking of all the joy I’ll have hanging out with my family and friends. I’m thinking of how much fun I’ll have stealing some moments alone with the one I love. And, I’m thinking of how much I’ll savor that piece of pumpkin pie that I’ll eat on Thursday. 

This morning, I weighed 156.8. I had hoped to have lost 2 pounds this past week (putting me at 155.8), but I’ll definitely take 1! This past weekend was one of those times when things could have gone horribly wrong with my diet. I was spending the weekend with my BF in Florida. We went to an air show with plenty of fair food offerings - funnel cakes, corn dogs, etc. I compromised, drinking a Coke but splitting a grilled chicken sandwich with my BF.  I disagree with those diet nuts who say that it isn’t good for us to link food with celebrating. However, it is good to realize that you can have fun and celebrate without eating a ton of calories. There’s a balance, and I found it this weekend.

I’m still shooting for a 2lb weight loss one of these weeks…I hope to be a 154.8 by next Monday. That’ll set me up for almost hitting my Thanksgiving goal weight of 153.8. Writing what I eat down in my little yellow notebook is helping to keep my tendency to snack too much at work in check.

I really don’t want to record my weigh in amount from yesterday. I decided last night that I’d just email my group of encouragers and beg off the weigh in for the week. This morning, my attitude is different. I am tired of simply “trying to lose weight” and am ready to just do it (with apologies to Nike…). I know that if I don’t report my weight, then I’d be on a slippery slope to gaining again. So, yes, I gained - I was at 157.4 yesterday morning, a .4 gain for the week.

I am giving myself goals this week to kick up my motivation. This “try a little bit” technique for weight loss has  helped me to feel better about myself. However, I’m tired of modest gains. Despite not posting them, I’ve had ultimate goals in my mind all along. I wanted to be 135 by Christmas a month ago, but I don’t think such a quick weight loss is possible right now. I’m finally feeling really motivated and know I need to be more mature and stop making excuses if I want to reach my goals.  

So, my two utterly acheivable goals for the week are:

Goal 1: Weight loss of 1.5 lbs by 10/29 (so 155.9 lb next Monday, can’t weigh in on Sun because I’ll be flying back from a friend’s wedding) 

Goal 2: Cardio workouts 3 x this week 

Ultimate Goal: 143 by New Year’s Day 1/1/08

So, why the newfound motivation? Last week was terrible, mostly because I let my insecurities sabotage my progress. I felt bad about being overweight, afraid that I was a disappointment to my BF or my family. I resorted to old patterns of overeating to feel better. Of course, the old patterns never work - I only felt worse about myself and slightly sick from eating so much. I felt unloved and unlovable. I threw myself several pity parties.

My wonderful BF, blessedly, confronted me about how crazy I was being. He helped me to see that I’m not some sort of a failure. I’ve pretty much been kicking butt for the past few years. I lost a ton of weight, still maintaining a 53 lb loss. I’m dating a wonderful man who loves me deeply. I’ve built up several new friendships and grown closer to my family. I’m finishing my BA, probably with a 4.0 average. I even feel pretty gosh darn attractive. Despite all these achievements, however, lies this truth: even if I still weighed 210 lbs and wasn’t working toward goals, that wouldn’t make me a terrible, unlovable person.

But, there are times when I get nasty and beat myself up over the weight gain that happened last year. I deserve to be happy right now, in my size 10s. Gaining weight hasn’t hurt my relationship, but my attitude about myself has. So, I’ve gained back some weight, and I’m disappointed. When I’m honest with myself, I know why I’ve gained weight back, and it isn’t my thyroid! I’ve been eating too much. They barely know my name at the gym anymore. But, I can’t get caught up in throttling myself because I’ve slipped back into old patterns. Instead, I just have to create new ones. I want to be an active, outdoorsy sort of gal. So, I just need to make time to be active and outdoorsy. I’m tired of my BMI teetering between the normal and overweight level, and I want to wear my cute smaller clothes. So, I need to make sure I eat better, stop making excuses, and work hard to acheive my weight loss goals.

Part of my insecurities stem from my feeling like an imposter. When I was at 135 and could shimmy into a size 6, I felt like a fake. I had an overweight coworker who told me everyday how I had gotten too skinny. It’s as if she was really saying, “you’re the chubby one in the office, you shouldn’t be that small.” I felt like I was playing dress up, knowing that one day I’d have to give the clothes back. But the truth is, the me at 135 was just as authentic as the 157 lb me and the 210 lb me. In fact, the smaller me was probably more genuine because I realized what it took to be healthy, and I was doing it. I wasn’t anorexic; I wasn’t starving myself; and I wasn’t making excuses for staying heavy.

Adding fuel to my new motivated fire, my BF needed to know my weight to take me and a friend flying this weekend. Sensing my embarrassment, he didn’t make me say my weight out loud. He let me plug in the number and figure the calculation. I don’t want to be embarrassed by my weight anymore. I don’t want my weight to get in the way of what I want to do in life.

As it did in the weeks after Shenandoah, my motivation has been building these past few weeks. I have felt it happening, and I’m at the decision point: I can take the motivation and run with it, or I can live my same life. Truly, I’m fine now, but I know that I can be better. I can be healthier. Why wouldn’t I do whatever is possible in order to be healthy? Gains and bad weeks are going to happen, that’s almost certain. But how I handle them can be different. I can be motivated and mature. And, I can move ahead.

This morning I weighed 157.0 - minus .4 lbs for the week! I’m really excited about this loss because normally I’ve gained weight after a Saturday. I’m weighing in on Sundays now instead of Mondays.  I’ve identified I’ve been using Sunday as a starvation day to make up for overeating on Friday and Saturday. It is much more sane simply not to go crazy eating on Saturdays. Moving my weigh in to Sunday motivated me not to eat too much yesterday. 

And, it would have been so easy to eat too much yesterday. I had another fantastic weekend (there’ve been many lately). My brother and I hung out again and visited the Your Dekalb Farmer’s Market. They have a great little deli/restaurant. I tried a few vegetarian dishes - a cauliflower curry, ratatouille, and a spinach/artichoke bake - and treated myself to a samosa. Later in the day, we randomly stumbled upon old friends of mine - people I love dearly and see far too little of. They live in Virginia and DC but were in Atlanta for a wedding. Seeing them was amazing and surreal, dream-like, really. I kept myself to one drink at the Brick Store while we caught up with each other. On my way back down South from Atlanta, I stopped in and had dinner with other friends. Despite trying to watch portions lately, I ate two bowls of chicken chili along with them.  I love chili, and was impressed by how warming yet healthy Natalie’s was. I made mental note of her recipe while watching her cook and can’t wait to try making it myself.

Some news on the weight loss front is, I’ve not renewed my Weight Watchers membership. In 2004, I lost 16 lbs on WW while learning what portion sizes really should look like. Off the plan, I was able to lose an additional 59 lbs in 2005. I feel like I’m at a time when I can go off the plan again and do really well. This time around, I have an even greater support system of friends with a group of four former coworkers of mine. Our crazy emails encourage me more than WW has lately. Here’s hoping for weight loss without assigning a point value to every iota of food!

I’m entering this week with a lot more energy and optimism than I’ve felt in a long while. Really, Saturday was a remarkable gift of  a day. I’m still smiling from the joy of it all!

My weight today is 157.4 - a -.2 lb weight loss for the week. Only a fifth of a pound lost, but I’m moving in the right direction.

 I continued my trend of blowing my diet on Friday and Saturday. My weight was 155 on Thursday, but even the promise of such a healthy weight loss didn’t keep me from eating too much this past weekend. My brother had come for a visit, and he needed some TLC after a really rough week. “TLC” often means good food, of course. We had our usual chili - it was great, but already I’m getting tired of it. The real kicker on Friday night was pear crisp with ice cream. My stomach was already full, but I didn’t pass all that butter and cream. I would have felt much better if I had.  Saturday, my brother came to my house for dinner. One of my roommates had kindly bought steaks to share. We also baked potatoes and made mac n cheese. Why the double carbs? The steaks were NY strip and so, so good. At least I packed away half of mine in the fridge before digging in.

Despite the stark reality of my weekend overindulgence, I actually feel pretty good today about my dieting. My progress is slower than I’d like, but it’s progress all the same. Planning my meals is really helping during the week, so I just need to be smart and plan my weekends, too. I also sat down last night and sketched out a reasonable workout schedule. I’ve been telling myself that I’m too busy to exercise with work and school. But, I’ve realized that if I have hours to spend playing Wii Golf and watching the Food Network, then I definitely have time to work out.

So - specific weekly goals:   155.9 (1.5 lb weight loss) by 10/15 and cardio 3 times this week.