Angel Food (lowfat)

I have allowed things to get kind of topsy-turvy for myself lately. I’ve been suffering bad headaches now for several months. A couple weeks ago, my doctor diagnosed me hormonal migraines, prescribed some medicine, and had me undergo a CAT scan just to rule out something else. Since that visit, I suffered for several days with the absolute worst headache of my life, searing pain for about 12 hours followed by 48 hours of a constant dull throb. The meds I had been prescribed did nothing to alleviate my pain. Finally, my scan results came in this week and, the “something else” couldn’t be ruled out; so now I’m set to see a neurosurgeon.

I wish I can say that I approached this health issue with grace, holding on with a deep faith and optimism. But, I’m afraid I haven’t. I found myself withdrawing from  family and friends and stuffing myself with crap food. Normally, I don’t go near a fast food place, yet I ate several full meals from value menus this past week. I felt sluggish and unmotivated all week, even losing my running shoes for a few days. I gained a few pounds, but honestly didn’t care at all that I’d undone my good progress from the past month.

I sort of had an awakening on Thursday, though, after having lunch with a wonderful former professor of mine. Now that I’m graduated, we are moving from a professor/student relationship to a friendship; I still see her as a mentor, and I think she’s comfortable interacting in that role with me. She sympathized about my anxiety over this new health thing, but she also gave me a little kick in the pants. She helped me realize that I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and had sort of shut down.

Since Thursday, slowly but surely my faith and optimism have been restored. I absolutely want to live my life being exactly who I want to be, relinquishing the things I don’t have control over to God, to others, to the ether, whatever, and making the choices that I can make to live more happily. Today, I’m planning several healthy meals for the week using ripe fruits and vegetables of the season, a canteloupe  sorbet and a corn chowder, just to name a few. Also, I’m thinking about starting a new food blog (lack of experience be darned!).

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last blog post. As I’ve learned over the past week and a half, fear is not an effective motivator. How much better it is to live with a postive outlook, incorporating joy and good health into everyday living.

Did anyone else see the episode of Oprah yesterday that featured folks who have lost a massive amount of weight? I don’t usually watch her show and her new-age-i-ness makes me cringe, but I happened to be sick at home yesterday and caught the show on “Weight Loss Heroes and Sheroes.” It was cool, even occasionally inspiring, to see so many people who’ve done well with their weight loss. Still, I have to say that I was a wee bit disappointed in the show. I would have enjoyed seeing fewer people with more time spent on their stories - not in a Dr. Phil way, but in a way that honors the complexities of emotions and experiences that people have as they are losing weight. I’m not arguing with the truths that careful dieting and exercise are the keys to losing weight. But, I would have liked to hear more of the people’s stories: How did family and friends react to their weight loss? At what point did they experience plateaus? What did they do to push through the hunger, through the days when they just wanted to give up? Instead, Oprah seemed more focused on trotting out the formerly fat, asking them their “breaking point”, and asking “what is your secret?” I don’t want to sound like I’m totally hatin’ on Oprah; mainly, I just think she tried to cram too much into one show.

One thing that did really strike me as I watched was something one of the guests (or maybe it was Bob Greene?) said. It was mentioned that if you have a void to fill, you can’t expect that void to be magically filled just by reaching your goal weight; if the void is still there, you most likely won’t be successful at maintaining your goal weight. Certainly, those statements are true for me. For much of my life I was obese, about 50 lbs heavier than I should have been. My “breaking point” is related to my going on a hiking trip with an ex boyfriend and being mortified when I couldn’t make it back up a steep climb. I was being lapped by toddlers and the elderly! After that trip I was determined to start a weight loss program but didn’t do anything for a few weeks. When I saw the pictures from that trip, however, I didn’t recognize myself in the photos, was horribly embarrassed by how I looked, and immediately signed up for Weight Watchers.

Being “horribly embarrassed” motivated me to lose weight, which was great, but I never did work on truly filling my void. Instead, I told myself that I’d no longer be embarrassed, that I’d be wonderfully attractive and happy, when I reached my goal weight. I happened to hit my goal weight of 135 lbs the same day that I met my future husband. It was the happiest day of my life up until that point, but then a terrible thing happened. The first year I dated Andy, a fear took hold of me. That fear told me that, if I gained weight, Andy wouldn’t be attracted to me and I wouldn’t deserve his affection. My fear nearly broke us as a couple, and it caused me to gain 25 lbs the first year I dated him. Eventually, I realized what was going on, and I was able to stop the craziness and maintain my weight (going on Synthroid for hypothyroidism also helped some - although my doctor says no one can attribute more than about a 10lb gain from the disease alone). Of course, my fears about Andy were totally unfounded. He says he never noticed that I gained weight (he’s either really unobservant or really sweet), and since we’re engaged I now feel very silly for thinking that I’d suddenly be horribly unattractive to him.

So - where does Oprah and “filling a void” fit into all this? Well, mostly my void is formed by feeling that I am somehow undeserving. Of what, exactly? Of almost anything good. I’m a smart gal (I’m not afraid to be bold about that), but still I often felt like an imposter in school. I felt like I made A’s not because I was deserving of them but because the work was simply “too easy.” I avoided relationships with guys entirely because I didn’t feel deserving of them. The couple times I did happen into a relationship, I spent the whole time thinking that the guy must have something wrong with him for loving me. In weight loss, I never felt like I deserved to be 135 lbs; somehow, I was still the 210 lb girl fitting into size 6 jeans. Now, as I’m actively counting WW points and working out regularly again, I’m also going to work on the deserving part. I’m going to try to really let the good things that are said about me soak in. I’m going to dust off my Bible, bypass the scary Old Testament prophets, and go straight to all the good bits about how much God loves us. And, I’m going to stare my void in the face and start throwing little pebbles of deservingness into it.

 (BTW - wound up losing 4 lbs last week.)