Angel Food (lowfat)

A friend of mine, who is a recovering alcoholic, likes to quote this line from the Big Book: “insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.” Following that definition, my dieting lately has been insane. I keep doing the same things over and over, and then I’m upset when I lose only a few ounces each week. Some of my habits are good. For instance, I have been writing everything down faithfully into my food diary, even during the weekend when I went way beyond my remaining flex points. I’ve also been trying to make healthier food choices (this morning, I forewent [?] the cheese danish at work for a half of a whole wheat bagel). Also, I’ve been honest and forthright with people about the fact that I’m dieting again. But that’s about it for healthy, sane diet behaviors for me.

So, what are some of my insane diet behaviors? Primarily, going totally bust on my food points. Additionally, I bring my workout clothes with me everywhere I go, yet never seem to make it to the gym. Another insane behavior of mine is that I weigh myself every single day (sometimes twice or more) as some sort of not very helpful motivation. Clearly, three weeks into Lenten discipline of points counting, I need some sort of dieting intervention.

I’m staring down my Wednesday weigh in tomorrow with dread. I want different results tomorrow than I’ve had in past weeks; realistically, I know that I won’t weigh any less this week. The good news is, tomorrow is the start of another weight watching week for me. I’m going out on a limb here and saying that things will be different this week. I’m finally mad enough about not seeing any progress with my weight loss to change some of my insane behaviors. My absolute number one behavior change has got to be sticking with the Weight Watchers flex points plan. I’ve chosen the plan as my weight loss tool. It makes no sense for me to be writing every morsel of my meals into my food diary for no good reason, no good results. Additionally, I commit to 3 short cardio sessions this week. These work outs probably won’t spur much weight loss; however, getting into the habit of working out is a very sane behavior that I want to incorporate into my life.

My AA friend tells me that no one can get sober until they decide that they’ve had enough, until they decide to make a change. I’m so tired of doing the same things over and over, knowing all along that I’m not doing what I need to do to be healthy. May this be my “enough” moment, the moment that I believe that I can be restored to sanity.

So, this is the exact time in my Wed-Tues weight loss week when things start to go south. Usually, about this time, I put away my food diary into my work bag only to sheepishly dig it out when I go to work on Monday morning with a food hangover. I’m determined this weekend to keep my food diary handy - I’ve tucked it into the outer pocket of my purse (instead of sticking it deep into my work bag). I suppose some will think it odd that my chic little black purse has a green note pad hanging out of it; honestly, I don’t care. I need to journal my food points faithfully this weekend, and I’m thinking this strategy will keep the food diary on the forefront of  my mind.

Looking ahead to the next few days, it will be a veritable minefield of diet-busters.  My mom, sister, and I are heading to Atlanta to go wedding dress shopping this afternoon.  (Ok - so that’s not diet busting, just a fun thing I’m up to today.) Then, we’re having dinner (potential diet-buster here) with my brother and his new lady friend. Tomorrow, I’m making the six hour excursion down to Florida for my fiance’s birthday. So, not only do I have to avoid the road food along the way (my favorite being fried peach pie and candied pecans at a farmer’s market), but I also need to watch my portions during the birthday meal. I’ve no idea what the meal will be. If I cook at home, I can whip up a nice recipe from Cooking Light that no one has to know is low-cal/low-fat; but, most likely, we’ll go out with friends to an Italian place where a low-cal portion is basically 1/4 serving of a meal. If Italian it is, I’ll try to avoid the garlic bread and be satisfied with a glass of wine and a half serving of pasta with marinara (perhaps stealing a bite or two of the birthday boy’s dessert).

I’m really, really, looking forward to following up here on Monday with my progress over the weekend. I’m so tired of feeling like the weekend is “not good” because I’ve overeaten. This weekend, I’m going to try to watch what I eat but also remember that good/bad aren’t necessarily determined by my caloric intake. May all of you out there have a “good weekend” (no matter how you define it)!

My weight this morning was 157.6; I lost a pound last week.  When I have a week with a loss, I know that I should view that week as a success. However, as usual, I lost that pound the first two days of WW points counting for the week and stalled out over the weekend. (Perhaps “stalled out” is too kind - my weekend dieting can be more like a series of fender benders.) Monday and Tuesday, also as usual, I sputtered through my dieting. I drove along healthily throughout the day, then stalled out while nibbling on cupcakes and Girl Scout cookies late in the evening. 

I think an issue that I need to overcome is my resistance to accepting a lifestyle change. I’m not comfortable with my life as it is, with its size 12 jeans and evening boredom; yet, I’ve not committed to making the necessary changes to lose weight and feel energized again. Why is that? Probably because my life the way it is now is easy. If I really committed to getting back down to a size 8, then I’d have to put in real effort. I’d feel hungry from eating less. I’d feel sore from exercising more. But, I’d probably feel better about myself. 

I don’t yet know how this week is going to go. I’d like to be optimistic and say I’ll be a perfect points counter and hit the gym 4 times. But, I just don’t now that I can make that promise. Instead, maybe I’ll focus on one major change - weekend points counting. Usually, somewhere around 5pm Friday, I put my food diary in my bag and don’t dig it out again until Monday morning. This weekend, I’ll be faithful about counting every point I eat. I’ve still got a few days to psych myself up for this challenge. I think this small strategy could make a big difference in curbing my sputters and stalls until my next Wednesday a.m. weigh in.

After a couple weeks of being particularly undisciplined with my weight loss, I’m trying to get back on my plan today. I’m doing the Weight Watchers thing - 21 points a day with 35 flex points a week. It’s so hard. I am really hungry and am having trouble not thinking about food. Unfortunately, I also have this little ounce or two of self doubt in my head that I will never be able to follow the points plan to the T. You see, despite losing 75 lbs on the plan once, I was never really successful at it. That is, I never, ever once just ate the prescribed amount of points. I always went over by a few each week - and I still lost weight.

Since then, though, I’ve gained between 20-25 lbs back (depending on the weigh in). When I decided to stop gaining and tried the points plan again over the past year, I always went much more than a few points over - I’m talking I was going over something like 30 points a week. Gee, wonder why I’m having trouble losing weight? I’m having trouble accepting hunger as a normal state of being and with having energy while dieting.

Hunger and depleted energy levels don’t help, but self doubt seems to be my biggest problem. I’ve been able to maintain easily between 153 and 158 lbs without paying attention to what I’m eating. I’ve been wondering, is staying below 153 maintainable for me? Also, is the WW flex plan really doable for me? Perhaps, more importantly, am I confident enough to pull of my skinny jeans again?

The answer to the first two questions is, I’m pretty sure, “yes.” Reaching my goal weight of 135 via flex plan is doable - I did it before. Although I didn’t maintain as well as I’d like, once I was determined to stop my weight gain, I’ve been able to maintain my weight pretty well. As for the confidence question - that’s definitely the million dollar question. I hope to be able to answer “yes” one day. I want to feel good in my body. At 135, I didn’t, and it was a shame. It wasn’t too long before I started gaining weight. Now, I’m feeling pudgy and soft again. I’ve slacked on my New Year’s resolution of working out. I’m starting to be out of breath on certain flights of stairs. I don’t feel as attractive around my fiance as I’d like to. I figure, I can either bury my hopes for a healthier body. Or, I can choose to feel motivated by them and do something to feel better physically while I work on my self confidence. So… flex points counting it will be for me.

Briefly — here is my weigh in update for the past couple weeks –

 Feb 6: 160.0 lbs   Feb 13: 158.6 lbs

My weigh in day is changed to Wednesday for the forty days of Lent. I’m incorporating flex points counting into my Lenten disciplines. My first week was not good, prompting this post. I definitely fell off the points counting wagon on the weekend. It looks like a good weight loss, I know, but it really isn’t. I totally pigged out on Mardi Gras, which skewed the weigh in on Feb 6. I was down to 158 by Friday, but then didn’t lose anymore…

Thanks for whoever’s reading my ramblings. If you have any tips for keeping up a high energy level while points counting/dieting, I’d appreciate what you have to say! Also, any suggestions on how to deal with the hunger?